Cold wind comes from the north, and I run my hands up and down my arms as I quickly relieve myself into the ravine. There is a bright half-moon and many twinkling stars to show my way in the cold night, and I can see the shimmer of the light off my skin. When I’m finished, I see a dark smear of dried blood on my penis.
There is no pain, and I know I’m not injured. I feel fantastic except for the sudden sinking feeling in my stomach as I realize the blood is definitely not mine, and there is only one other place it could have originated.
There isn’t much blood, but I know immediately that I must have hurt Beh when I put my penis inside of her. I remember when she cried out at first, but she didn’t tell me to stop. I thought she had felt like I had and had cried out from the intensity of our joining. It never occurred to me that she might have felt pain.
I was careful and gentle. It should not have hurt her.
Clearly, it did.
Panicked, I rush back into the cave, crying out for her. Beh sits up straight in the furs and looks at me with her eyes wide. She makes a lot of sounds, which get louder as I reach for her legs and pull them apart. She tries to shove my hands away at first, but I need to know how badly she is injured. In the dim firelight, I can’t see any blood on her.
With a yell, Beh pushes my hands from her knees. When I look at her face, she stares at me with her brows knitted together and makes more noise. She doesn’t appear to be hurt at all. Her mouth-noises are soft and don’t include the no sound, and her face isn’t angry-looking.
If I hurt her, wouldn’t she be angry?
Grabbing my penis in my hand, I point to the blood on it. Beh sighs as she moves her head back and forth. She takes my hand and brings me over to the fire and the large pot she keeps near it. She dips one of the squares she made from her leggings into the water and uses it to clean both of us off. Her own calm demeanor seeps into me, and as she touches me, I feel my muscles surrender to her peace.
There really isn’t very much blood on me—just the one, small streak. I watch Beh clean herself and see there is a little bit more, but nothing significant, and Beh seems just fine when I examine her again to be sure. She doesn’t appear to be in pain or even discomfort. She smiles and touches my arm softly as she finishes washing and brings me back to our bed. She picks up the fur we were lying on and tosses it into the pile with the one I spilled semen on earlier.
Beh must not like the idea of sleeping on the furs when they get wet like that, and I wonder why. She does like to have everything a certain way, that is for sure, and I assume this is just one more thing she wants to keep clean.
She continues to make sounds as she plumps up the remaining furs and sits back down in the center of them. I crawl over her to lie down, and she lays her head on my shoulder and wraps her arm around my waist. After drawing a clean fur over the top of us, I hold her close to me and watch the entrance to the cave to make sure my mate is safe.
Beh quickly slips into slumber, but I do not. Though physically drained, my mind cannot seem to relax enough to doze off. I think about Beh and babies and if there will be enough food for three of us in the winter. I wonder when Beh will give birth to a baby if one just started growing inside of her.
I end up spending much of the night just watching my mate sleep.
My mate.
There are no more questions in my mind; she really is my mate now.
When I look down at her, I wonder if there is a baby growing inside of her belly and if it will look like me, and I feel myself smile at the idea. I know I will have to do better—try harder—if I am to properly care for her and her children, but I don’t mind the idea at all.
I also know that sometimes you have to try to put a baby in your mate many times before one starts to grow. I’m not sure how many times, but I intend to try to put a baby in her as often as possible until I am positive there is one growing inside of her. Besides, it feels so good to put a baby in her. Just thinking about it makes me want to do it again, but Beh is asleep and I don’t want to wake her up. I will definitely try to put a baby in her again in the morning.
I take a long, deep breath and lean my head back into the furs. As my eyes close, I wonder if I can put more than one baby at a time in her, or if she has a baby inside of her already, if I can put another one there. I think one at a time is probably enough since we don’t have a tribe to help us with the baby. I think about the other mated couples in my tribe and remember clearly how they would come together even when the woman's belly was full of a child. I don’t remember a time when two babies were born at once.
I feel Beh’s steady breathing as she shifts a little in her sleep and mumbles some quiet sounds. They resemble the sound she made earlier, but most of her noises sound pretty similar. Only the kiss and no sound are different enough to notice. Most of the noises she makes just hurt my head, but I don’t mind so much. She’s my mate, she’s unusual, and she is mine.