Trailer Trash(70)
“That’s never going to happen.” Nate cupped Cody’s cheek in his hand, wiping at Cody’s tears with his thumb. “I told you before: I won’t abandon you like that again.”
“You will, though. We’ll graduate, and you’ll move away. You’ll go live in that apartment in Chicago and have a brand-new life, and I’ll still be here, only I’ll be more alone than ever.”
But Nate was already shaking his head. “I’m not going anywhere without you.”
“No.” Cody blinked, his tears forgotten as he tried to interpret exactly what that meant. “You don’t want to stay in Warren. Nobody wants to stay in Warren.”
“Then I guess you’ll just have to leave with me.”
“Wh-what?”
“There’s no reason you have to stay here either. You can come with me. We can share the apartment there. We can live there together.”
Cody gulped, trying to imagine it how it would feel to wake up next to Nate every day in a brand-new place so far from Wyoming that even the wind couldn’t find them.
God, it couldn’t be that simple, could it?
“Do you mean it?”
“Of course I mean it.”
“But it’s Chicago!”
“So what?”
“I can’t live in Chicago! The biggest city I’ve ever been to was Casper, and I was ten! Chicago’s huge. Chicago’s—”
“Then not Chicago,” Nate said, laughing. “We’ll find someplace else. I don’t really care where we go. I just want to be able to kiss you without worrying about who sees.”
“Oh God,” Cody whispered, suddenly not sure his knees were even working. It was possible Nate was the only thing keeping him on his feet. “You can’t want that. Jesus, why would you want that? It doesn’t make any sense! Why would you want this? Why would you want me?”
“Because I think love you.”
“No.”
“I mean, I know I love you.”
“Stop.”
“But I think—”
“No!”
“I think I’m in love with you.”
“No!” Cody covered his ears, despite still holding the cassette, trying to block the sound of that word. Nobody said that word. Not here. The inside of his crumbling trailer had never heard it uttered.
Love.
He had the irrational urge to run, to put as much distance between them as he could, but Nate was still holding him. Still smiling at him. Still standing here after saying he loved him, and Cody had no idea what to do or what to say. He took a deep breath, trying to steady his pounding heart, trying to find his focus. His eyes fell on the cassette tape, still clutched tight in his hand.
“I don’t have a tape player.”
It was such a stupid thing to say, after Nate had laid his heart on the line, but Nate just laughed. “I got you one of those too. Come on.” He stepped away, turning to grab the last three presents on the table. “You may as well open them.”
He sat down at the kitchen table, and Cody followed, his feet heavy, feeling like he was still in one of last night’s dreams. He sank slowly into a chair. “It isn’t fair for you to buy me all this stuff.”
“For crying out loud,” Nate groaned in exasperation. “Look, Cody. I know things are different for me than they are for you. I live in the Grove. You live here. I get a weekly allowance, and money from my grandparents for Christmas, and money from my mom just because she feels guilty about running off with some new guy, and I know you don’t get any of that, and it sucks. It isn’t fair at all.”
Cody thought he’d realized the full extent of his envy, but hearing Nate lay it all out like that made his anger feel somewhat justified. And yet, he also knew it wasn’t Nate’s fault.
“The thing is,” Nate went on, his voice quieter now, “none of that matters to me. You can’t afford to spend money on stupid shit. I know that. But I can.” He pushed the stack of presents a bit closer to Cody. “And I wanted you to have presents on Christmas.”
Cody turned the tape over in his hands. A tape Nate had made, just because the songs made him think of Cody.
Maybe it was selfish. Maybe it made things between them even more lopsided than before, but he wanted to listen to it.
He eyed the presents again, his resistance crumbling. It was Christmas, after all, and Nate had gone to the trouble of wrapping them and everything. Would it really be so bad to accept a couple of presents?
“Jesus,” Nate chuckled, shaking his head. “And I finally get a smile out of you.” He picked up the top box and held it out to Cody. “Open the damn thing, already.”