Trailer Trash(60)

Cody shook his head, choking on his tears. “No, it isn’t.”

“It’s okay to miss him.”

That was the worst part, knowing he’d go on missing Logan like this forever. That nothing he did could change it. A sob burst out of him, wretched and humiliating but such a fucking relief after fighting so hard, and Cody gave up. He surrendered at last to the pain, shaking as he cried, almost falling to the floor as his knees gave out.

Good thing Nate was there to catch him.





Nate ended up sitting on the kitchen floor with Cody curled against his chest as he cried. It was painful, witnessing Cody’s grief, feeling the way Cody’s entire body shook with the force of his sobs, but Nate just held him, feeling strangely at peace. Holding Cody felt as natural as breathing. There was none of the strange terror like when he’d touched Christine, or the awkwardness he felt when he danced with Stacy.

It went through his head, over and over again as Cody’s tears finally began to slow.

This is right.

Although after half an hour or so, Nate’s backside was beginning to hurt. For the first time, he noticed how uncomfortable he was, scrunched against the cabinet, but he wasn’t about to disturb Cody now. Nate glanced around at the sad state of Cody’s home, and his heart ached for him anew. Even in the dim light, it was easy to see that the floor probably hadn’t been mopped in ages and the cracked linoleum was curling at the corners. Several of the cupboard doors hung crooked on their hinges. One was gone completely, revealing a shelf that contained only a couple of cans of soup and a jar of peanut butter, all generic brand. No Campbell’s or Skippy Extra Chunky for Cody. Probably no Coke or Pepsi in the fridge to wash it down with, either.

It was just one more thing Nate had taken for granted his entire life.

Eventually, Cody’s breathing slowed, although his chest still hitched every few seconds. Nate ducked his head, burying his nose in Cody’s dark hair, breathing in the clean smell of shampoo and the familiar tang of smoke.

“I’m sorry,” Cody whispered, between hiccups.

“For what? Being upset? You don’t need to apologize for that.”

“Do you know . . .” Cody had to stop and take a deep breath. Then, his voice even quieter, “Do you know how it happened?”

Nate had to think for a second about exactly what Cody was asking. “How he died?”

Cody nodded without moving his head from Nate’s chest.

“Didn’t you hear at school?”

“I heard a car wreck, but . . .” He shook his head. “I didn’t want to hear any more. I didn’t think I wanted to know, but now—”

He choked again, his shoulders shaking, and Nate hurried to fill the gap. He didn’t have to rely on the little information he had from his father. He’d heard plenty at school. “He was coming home from Casper with Shelley. Remember how it started snowing all of a sudden yesterday afternoon? I heard they stayed at his cousin’s through dinner, thinking the weather would clear, but it didn’t. And since it was a school night—”

“He should have stayed.”

“I know.”

“He shouldn’t have been in that stupid Camaro this time of year.”

“I know.”

“If I hadn’t traded shifts with him, if I’d just told him no, maybe he wouldn’t have gone to Casper at all and none of this would have happened.”

Nate wasn’t sure exactly what Cody was talking about, but it didn’t matter. “Maybe. But that doesn’t make it your fault. You had no way of knowing.”

“He just wanted to trade shifts.”

“You didn’t do anything wrong. There was no reason for you to say no.”

“I wanted the hours! How could I think the hours were more important than him?”

“You didn’t.” Nate shook his head, rubbing Cody’s back as he tried to piece together what must have happened. “He asked for a favor, right? And you said yes. That’s all. You had no way of knowing.”

Cody shuddered. “And Shelley. God, I haven’t even thought about Shelley.”

“You didn’t know her as well.”

“All I can think about is going to work and not having him there to talk to. Or going to school and not having him sitting next to me in social studies.” He sniffled. “All I can think about is me, and how much I want him back.”

Nate stroked his hair. “I know.”

“Does that make me selfish?”

“I think that makes you normal. I think the rest will come later.”

“It should have been me.” He was crying again, although not the gut-wrenching sobs of before. This was quieter. “Logan was going to college. He was probably getting a football scholarship. He could have done anything.”