His dad leaned forward to put his elbows on his knees. “No.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“She begged me not to.”
“But . . .” It seemed so feeble. So ridiculous. She’d torn their family apart, and yet his father had let Nate put all the blame on him. “That’s why you wouldn’t let me stay in Austin?”
His dad stood up, still staring at the ceiling as if it held some kind of answers. “I don’t want to talk about this again. We’ve been over it a thousand times—”
“But you never told me the truth, did you? Well, I want the truth now. No more lies. No more treating me like a little kid.” Even if he felt like one, at the moment. “Was it because Mom didn’t want me to know about the affair? Is that why I couldn’t stay?”
“That was part of it.”
“What was the rest?”
“Greg wanted . . . Well, he didn’t want . . .” He paced as he talked, as if searching for the right words. He ended up at Nate’s dresser, eyeing the frame of the mirror. Nate had wedged snapshots into it when they’d first arrived—one of the tennis team, a couple of him and his parents together as a family, some of friends from Austin—but he’d taken them all down in the past week. His dad frowned, eyeing the empty spaces where the pictures had been as if he couldn’t quite believe they were gone.
Nate watched his dad’s face in the mirror. “Greg wanted what, Dad?”
His dad sighed. “He didn’t want you. He knew you’d hold a grudge against him and he—”
“What?” Nate jumped off the bed, advancing on his father, even though he wasn’t the one Nate was angry with. “And Mom was okay with that? She just shipped me off like I was nobody, all so she could be with him?”
His father turned to meet Nate’s gaze, squaring his shoulders, reminding him he was still several inches taller. “She didn’t ‘ship you off,’ Nate. I wanted you with me, and with Greg in the picture, she agreed that was probably for the best.”
Nate fell back against his desk, stunned. “That’s why you let me believe you were the one who had the affair—just so I wouldn’t know that Mom didn’t want me.”
“Son—”
“Does she love me at all?”
His father laughed. It was dry and humorless and awkward, but it was a laugh nonetheless. “Of course she does. More than anything. She just . . .” He threw up his hands, looking powerless, even in his full cop getup. “She’s in love. I know you don’t know what that’s like yet, but someday you will. And when you love somebody like that—” His voice cracked. “The only thing you want to do is to be with them, whatever it takes. It isn’t logical. It doesn’t make sense. It’s just how it is.”
Nate sat down heavily in the desk chair, his heart seeming too big and too fragile. “The only thing you want to do is to be with them, whatever it takes.”
“I think maybe I do know what that feels like.” His voice sounded small and ridiculous, even to him.
His dad blinked, processing, but then a grin spread quickly across his face. For the first time in ages, it looked like a real, heartfelt smile. “Really?”
Nate squirmed in his seat, feeling like an idiot, but the words felt true. They felt right. “I think so. I don’t know. It’s so confusing and scary, and it doesn’t really make any sense, but—”
His dad laughed. “Yeah, that sounds like love.” His dad was still smiling ear to ear. “I’m glad to hear that, son.”
It was the last thing he’d expected to hear. “Why?”
“I don’t know. I guess because there’s nothing in the world like that first time. I sound like a damn greeting card saying it, but somebody around here may as well get something good out of this situation.” He shook his head, still grinning like a fool. “Well, who is she?”
And just like that, the spark of hope in Nate’s chest went out. What in the world could he say? What would his father think when he found out his son was a fag? And what did it matter anyway when Cody wasn’t even speaking to him? But luckily, his dad asked another question before Nate even had time to answer the first one.
“Is that who you argued with?”
Nate slumped, relieved he didn’t have to tell him quite yet. “Yes.”
His dad sat down again on the edge of the bed. “Well, I wish I could tell you it will all work out, but when it comes to things like this . . .” He shook his head. “Sometimes love sucks.”