Willa was working on not overthinking things, not worrying about every last thing that could go wrong. When she’d told Dax she was taking Monday off, she hadn’t told him it was because she would be away with Lance. There was a chance she would lose the best-paying job she’d ever had for—a taste of heaven? Normally the idea of risking any employment would have made her sick to her stomach, but this was different. This was Lance. A decade of thinking about him, secretly dreaming that something like this would one day happen.
She would have felt better about her decision if Lance was holding her hand. He wasn’t flirting with her. In fact, he was barely talking at all.
“Hey,” she said softly.
He smiled, but it didn’t reach his eyes. “Is for horses.”
“That’s so corny.” His smile faded and she kicked herself internally for critiquing instead of saying something that would have had him laughing again. “I had a good night.”
He glanced at her then back at the road. “It was different than I expected.”
The way he said it was like a lead stone settling onto her chest. “In what way?”
She wished she hadn’t been watching him so closely because then she might not have seen the flash of disappointment in his eyes. “I’m dropping you back at your place, Willa.”
“Why?” she asked in a calm voice even though what she really wanted to do was grab the wheel, pull the car to the side of the road and demand he look at her.
“We said we’d take it slowly then planned a few days of the exact opposite.”
Feeling cold, Willa wrapped her arms around herself. “I don’t remember complaining.”
He opened his mouth then snapped it shut as if deciding to hold back a comment. Willa’s stomach churned as she grew nervous. The longer he was quiet, the sicker she felt. His jaw tightened visibly, and he kept his eyes on the road ahead. “Did you say something to Dax about us?”
Oh, shit. “Yes.” What are the chances that answer will suffice? A girl can hope.
“I thought we had fun this weekend.”
“We did.”
“Then explain to me what I’m doing that is so wrong that you complained to my sister’s fiancé about it?”
Fighting back tears, Willa said, “You’re not doing anything wrong.”
Lance’s knuckles turned white on the steering wheel. “I want to understand you, Willa. I really want to, but I’m lost.”
“Dax misunderstood something I said. I was upset, and he assumed he knew why. I tried to tell him he was wrong. I thought I was clear, but maybe I wasn’t. He shouldn’t have said anything to you. In fact, he promised he wouldn’t.” Willa turned to face forward as she realized she shouldn’t have said the last part. It made it sound like she was keeping something from Lance. She was, but she didn’t want him to know that.
“He was worried about you. What I want to know is why.”
“It was before I talked to you on Thursday night.”
“And?”
“And Clay was asking me about you.”
“You talked to Clay about us?”
“No. Yes.” Willa covered her face with one hand. I can’t do this. I’m not ready to do this. “You’re right. You should just drop me off at home.”
Lance pulled onto a side street and parked. In a much softer tone, he took one of her hands in his. “Help me understand.”
Is this where I tell him about the pregnancy? About how I debated telling him for weeks. Do I lead with the miscarriage or how I hated myself because even though I had decided to keep the baby a part of me was relieved when I lost it?
Do I tell him that for a long time I blamed him for every mistake I made, every wrong man I slept with?
How because of him I almost turned my back on my sister?
That even now, even when I know none of that was his fault, a part of me is still angry with him—with myself. And so afraid I’ll lose myself again? “I can’t do this, Lance. Please, just drive me home.”
His face contorted with pain. “And if I do, what then? We go back to pretending we feel nothing for each other? Is that what you want?”
“I don’t know.” She stared out the window of the car only because looking at Lance hurt too much. She gathered her thoughts the best she could. Every moment with Lance felt right. They fit together in a way she’d never imagined they could. Not even back when she’d fantasized about being with him. Whether it was walking hand in hand through an art fair, or laughing over drinks with his friends, she wanted more of him in her life. With him, she didn’t compare herself to Lexi. With him, she felt beautiful and life felt full of possibility. I like who I am when I’m with him. She turned back to meet his eyes. “I do know. I don’t want to go back to how things were.”