Toxic Bad Boy(10)

Not that I cared. I was always cold inside nowadays. Taking in gulps of the crisp air, my heart rate began to slow down. The nightmares always did this to me. I’d wake up in a full blown panic attack. It didn’t matter that Josh had been locked up at a facility for dangerous teen criminals.

He was still here with me, in my thoughts and dreams. Sometimes, it seemed I’d never be rid of him.

The nightmares weren’t always the same. Some were variations of the attack and others involved fears like Josh getting out of juvie and coming after me. After so many nightmares, my mind was triggered to wake up before their conclusion.

My therapist promised it’d get better, that the nightmares would come less and less frequently before stopping altogether. It had been four months since the attack and the dreams were still a nightly occurrence.

Mixed in were sweet dreams. The kind which involved hazel eyes gazing at me in adoration. Those dreams almost made it worth closing my eyes at night.

Turning to glance at the alarm clock on my nightstand, it was after five in the morning. I wouldn’t be able to get back to sleep so I grabbed my robe and a towel and went into the bathroom.

Under the hot spray, I leaned my head against the tile. If I didn’t get these feelings under control, my psychiatrist told my dad she’d prescribe an antidepressant for anxiety. I couldn’t help replaying the awful night in my head over and over again.

Even worse were thoughts of it happening again. Every strange male was a potential attacker. A guy who ended up on the same aisles at the grocery store could be waiting for me to go out to my car. Another guy driving behind me too long could be counting on me going home to an empty house. I never left the house at night unless it was with my dad.

Shampooing my hair was still a bit of an alien experience with the shorter strands. Cut right at my shoulders, it still had some length, but nothing like what I was used to. I’d dyed it the dark brown color myself last month, but went to a salon for the cut. My blond roots were starting to show so I’d have to dye it again soon using the same box of dark chocolate brown.

My mom had hated my hair at first sight when we’d gone out to dinner as a family. Three Fridays ago, my dad had driven us to meet her and Chance at a restaurant downtown, an approximate halfway point between our new house and hers. Her eyes had narrowed in disapproval and she’d complained it was much too short and my natural color was perfect.

My dad had shut her down without making a scene in front of Chance and the entire restaurant, but I could practically hear the snap of her mouth closing and the grind of her teeth. Her unhappy perusal at my hair told me she wanted to say more and probably would at a future time.

We had Chance most weekends and I spent an hour or so with my mom when we picked him up or dropped him off. I loved my mom despite our many differences of opinion. She had her issues, but I’d learned recently everyone did. Not that I always enjoyed my time with her. She fluctuated between concern for my mental wellbeing and the desire to have her golden girl back.

Still, I didn’t blame her for what happened. I’m the one who’d chosen Josh and I’m the one who hadn’t handled the breakup in the best manner. Take me out of the equation and Josh wouldn’t have flipped out. Caleb and Ian wouldn’t be locked up.

School was hard. I hadn’t made any new friends yet despite a few overtures from girls in class. Friendship meant trust and it was difficult for me to believe a stranger had good intentions. Even in our short time as friends and later more, Caleb had become a security blanket. I’d been popular at my old school, but it hadn’t been of my own doing. I didn’t have a naturally outgoing personality and I wasn’t confident people genuinely liked me for myself.

I’d considered making the thirty minute drive everyday and transferring to Cece’s school for senior year. Maybe I’d just transfer now, mid-semester junior year. With her exuberance, having Cece as a friend was like an entire group of friends. Jared, Taye and a couple guys from the crew were also at the same school.

Instead of feeling like a freak, I’d probably feel secure. I was suspicious of any guy who tried to talk to me. Feeling panicked whenever a boy flirted or asked me about an assignment in class was embarrassing. The alarm had lessened a bit since first returning to school. Rationally, I knew a guy asking which page in the textbook the teacher was on wouldn’t lead to him hurting me, but I couldn’t convince my racing heart or churning stomach.

Wrapping myself in my robe and drying off my legs with the towel, I used the same towel to wipe the moisture off the mirror. My face looked pale with the dark hair and faint dark circles hanging under my eyes. I applied concealer and foundation so my dad wouldn’t worry. Maybe I’d take a Tylenol PM tonight so I could get more sleep. The minty smell of my lotion as I rubbed it into my skin was soothing and I made a mental note of stopping by Target for some candles after school.