Throwing open the door, I saw her sitting at her kitchen table with her legs folded under her, and Mel was standing at the stove with a mug and tea kettle. Both froze as they stared wide eyed at me in the doorway. The three of us were frozen in time. Mel was watching me, I was watching Kat, and Kat’s eyes were scrutinizing every inch of me. Mel started moving towards me, but Kat rose from her chair and came forward first. There was a softness about her as she approached me. I must’ve looked terrible, but I couldn’t take my eyes off of her. She neared me then stopped directly in front of me. My head was tilted down, but I could see that she was watching me wearily. Kat’s hazel eyes weren’t lifeless like I’d let myself believe. Something passed between us and I was certain she knew where my head was. She could see the shadows hidden inside of me. In this moment, I felt like we were connected. I felt her fear and she felt my demons.
Mel’s voice penetrated whatever was passing between us. “Want me to kick him out?”
Kat didn’t even speak. She simply shook her head no. I heard Mel sigh. “Okay, honey, I’m going to go downstairs then and help out Ed if you think you’re okay.” As she brushed past me, she muttered, “If you hurt her, it will be the last thing you do.”
Not breaking eye contact with Kat, I said, “I’m not going to hurt her, never again. You have my word.” Even though I said it to Mel, my words were for Kat’s ears.
We stood there alone, still in the doorway. I reached up and brushed a few strands of hair from her face and tucked them behind her ear. “I didn’t mean it.”
A stray tear fell from her eye and my thumb caught it before it left her chin. “Don’t say anything like that to me again.” Her voice was firm but I could hear the sadness behind each word. I slid my hand behind her neck and brought her body into mine. As I wrapped my arms tightly around her, she buried her face into my chest. I felt like I could finally take in a full breath of air. I breathed in the sweet coconut scent of her hair as I ran my fingers through it.
In this moment, I felt something for this girl. I cared deeply for her, and more than just a friend. Loosening my grip, I pulled her over to her bed and we both laid down facing each other. Because it was only a twin we were as close as we could get. Her legs were entwined with mine, and she had one hand tucked under her head, while the other was resting on my ribs. My own hands were in a similar position except I had one combing through her hair. She sighed contentedly.
“You look terrible,” she said quietly.
I gave her a slight smile. “I feel like shit.”
“You didn’t sleep last night, did you?”
“I couldn’t. I was watching you to make sure you were comfortable.”
Her green-brown eyes became tender. “Sleep, Timber. I’m watching you now.”
Those words cut straight to my heart. Kat was working her way inside of me, making me feel whole. I hadn’t felt whole in over a year. She was healing me from the inside out and she didn’t even realize it. Leaning in, she kissed the tip of my nose and brought her fingers down over my eyes, making me shut them. I think she knew that if she didn’t force me to, I would have continued to watch her. It didn’t take long, being enveloped by her small body and smell, for sleep to take me over. For the first time in months, I didn’t dream.
TIMBER WASN’T KIDDING WHEN HE said he would be ‘on me’. He has barely let me out of his sight over the last week. He even made me come to his work to hang out with Slim and Uncle Roger, twice, when Mel or Beaver had something else going on and couldn’t be with me. I thought it was total overkill but I couldn’t not pacify him. When he’d come back from wherever he was after I’d kicked him out, he looked completely wrecked. I somehow knew that if I turned him away, he would have retreated into himself and I wasn’t sure I’d get him back. His eyes had been bloodshot and tired, and it was more than just sleep deprivation. It was fear. I once again did what came naturally with him and let him hold me. I don’t think he realized that he had sagged into me and I had been fighting to hold him up. He had been even more lost than I suspected. It broke my heart.
We were now lying out on the beach and I was smiling with my eyes closed because I could feel his eyes on me. “What are you looking at, Nelson?”
“Your fucking smoking hot body in that black bikini.”
I opened my eyes and looked at him. He was grinning at me, and I couldn’t help the laugh that came from my mouth. “You’re so full of shit, but whatever. I enjoy it when your eyes are on me.”