He didn’t even look at me when I opened the door. Timidly, I put my hand under the water. If water could be colder than ice, then this was, because it was positively freezing. No longer concerned about what he’d say about me being in here, I acted on adrenaline. I shut the water off and looked in the cabinet behind me, thankful that the man had clean towels. Grabbing one, I stepped into the shower with Timber and kneeled down beside him. He was shaking uncontrollably. Throwing the towel over his naked body, I wrapped it around his shoulders and began vigorously rubbing his arms, trying to warm him. He still hadn’t said anything about me being in here, nor had he looked at me. Instead he was looking over the top of his knees, and he seemed like he wasn’t even here with me.
“Timber.” It was a statement to get his attention, not a question.
He opened his mouth, and his teeth started chattering. He was trying to speak but it came out mumbled and incoherent.
“What? Tell me what you need? I’m here Timber, I’m here.”
“Th-they’re…alllll…g-gone,” he shook out.
I continued my rubbing. “Who’s gone?”
He finally looked at me, his eyes red and glassy. He was crying, tears mixing with the water on his wet face. I brought a hand up and tried to dry one side of his cheek. “My brothers. They are all dead, and I killed them.”
His shaking was subsiding some, but a new wave of tears came from his eyes. I knew he must have been talking about his time in Iraq. I was getting insight into what happened to him, and I knew that I needed to tread lightly. Timber was on the edge and I was worried that any wrong words from me would set him off. He wouldn’t hurt me, but wherever his mind was right now, it wasn’t a good place to be. I needed to think, quick.
Suddenly, I knew. I somehow and in some crazy way knew what he needed. I had heard that Timber’s mom had passed away while he was on his first tour. I’d read about it in the Bay City newspaper online. I maneuvered myself in front of him and sat down on my butt. The cold water saturated my shorts but I didn’t care. I put both of my hands on his knees and spread them apart to create a space for me to get closer to him. Wrapping both of my arms around his shoulders, I brought his head down so that he was resting his head on my chest. I let him feel me taking deep even breaths.
Soon I began to feel his breathing rise and fall in the same tempo as my own. He relaxed into me, allowing me to soothe him. I rubbed large circles up and down his towel covered back and softly whispered, “shhh….” It was something that my own mother had done when I was upset. She held me close and quietly shushed me. It was her way of letting me know that she was there. He settled into me for a long time, so long that I’d wondered if he’d fallen asleep. His black hair was now dry, and I ran my fingers through it over and over. It was softer than I thought it would be.
Sometime later, his raised his head. His eyes still red from crying, he spoke to me without saying a single word. I knew what he wanted. Standing up, I grabbed his hand and pulled him up to me. I took the towel from around his shoulders and gently dried him. Nothing about it was sexual. When he didn’t have a drop of water on him, I grabbed his hand again and started to walk out of the shower. He tugged me gently back to him and I turned my face up to him in question.
“You’re wet,” he said very quietly.
When he reached for my top, I grabbed his wrists and shook my head. “No, Timber.”
He continued to stare into my eyes. I was swimming in a sea of blue. I watched him, his gaze darting back and forth, pleading with me that he needed this. He needed to take care of me now. Again he tried to lift my shirt, and this time I let him. Raising my arms up as he brought the fabric over my head, he leaned into me and reached for a towel. He dried me off much in the same way that I did him. When he got to my legs, he peeled my shorts down and left me in my panties and bra. As exposed as I was to him, the thought terrifying to me, I knew that he was the one that was exposing himself to me. When he finished, he stood back up and walked me out of his bathroom and across the hall to his bedroom. He pulled his covers down and stood back, waiting for me to climb in. When I laid down, he crawled in beside me, pulling me to him. We were both still wrapped in our towels, but yet I felt naked. Timber closed his eyes.
My mind was working overtime. I had never seen someone so shattered before. I’d somehow found a way to give him comfort, but what about the next time, or the time after that? Would I know what he needed? Did I even want to be here for the next time? As his breathing evened out and I knew he’d fallen asleep. I closed my eyes and settled on the fact that I would take this day by day. Timber had no one here. No family, and as far as friends go, I only knew about Roger and Slim. It broke my heart even thinking about leaving him alone, knowing that he could potentially go back to that dark place in his mind again. Who knows how long he would have sat there in the cold water, completely withdrawn? I shivered, and Timber’s arms tightened around me. I sighed deeply and let my body lose itself to sleep. For the first time in six years I found a sense of safety, and it was oddly in the arms of a man that was possibly more disturbed than I was.