Now, he had to fake it again.
Telling Sadie that this, the sex, the affection had only been a trip down memory lane for him was the worst pretense of all. She was everything that was good and sweet and worth keeping, yet he would throw her away.
To save her.
No, he wasn’t noble. Making love with sexy Sadie had been the deepest wish of his heart, and he wasn’t stupid. He could see the tears that floated randomly across the surface of her eyes and knew there wasn’t a shallow bone in the woman’s body. She loved him. She always had. The evidence of that love was plain as day on her pretty face. And because he was a selfish, indulgent prick, he had to break her heart. His, too. Sadie deserved more than an emotionally damaged man who might leave on a mission and never return. She deserved those two or three perfect kids and the perfect man and the spectacular house.
As they lay in bed, the sheet rumpled and warm around their bodies, he dragged his hand down the length of her back, loving the way she wrapped her long legs around his.
“I keep waiting for the axe to fall,” she whispered.
He couldn’t see her face. She’d tucked it away, leaving him with only the image of her curly hair. “What axe?”
She laughed a little. “That pager. I hate that damn thing. Guess it’s the axe I’m thinking of. Keep waiting for it to beep. I don’t know. Maybe it’s more than that. Why are you so quiet?”
Despite the intimacy of the moment, Ren felt the tension and knew she did, too. He blew out a breath. “It has been good seeing you again, Sadie. I have so many memories tied up with you.”
She looked up, and the sadness in her eyes made him want to bawl like a bare-assed baby. “Is that all this is, Ren? You can tell me the truth. I won’t break.”
She might not break, but he sure as hell wanted to. Already, his heart was cracking into a million pieces. Knowing the hardest moment of his life was upon him, he untangled his legs from hers and sat up on the side of the bed. Feeling every kind of coward, he kept his back to her. “This won’t work, Sadie. You know that. Too much time has passed, and though I’ve loved seeing you, being with you like this, our lives are just too different. You don’t see this thing between us as anything permanent, do you?”
Silence fell.
Ren didn’t want to look back at her. He wanted to shove his naked body into his clothes and run from the room, but he forced himself to face her.
Damn it. Goddamn it!
Tears swam across her eyes to drip down her face. She’d pulled herself up, the sheets puddled around her hips, and Ren felt like he’d kicked a puppy. Sadie’s bottom lip trembled.
“I don’t know what I thought,” she whispered. “I guess I wanted to see you again so I could finally tell you that I’m in love with you. I always have been. Dumb of me, but I hoped maybe you would feel the same.”
His eyes burned.
Ren turned away and began to gather his clothes. Once he’d shrugged into them, he went about the business of stuffing his things into his bag. He couldn’t put it off any more. It was best to make a clean break. “We’re friends, sweetheart. I hope we always will be, but you have things to get back to, and so do I. I just don’t have room in my life for a woman, no matter how incredible she is. And you are incredible. You’re the kindest, most precious person I know, and believe me, some wonderful man is going to be really lucky to find you.”
Sadie stood naked from the bed and faced him head on. Gone was the bit of modesty she’d shown that first night. She reached over to flip on a lamp and glared at him. Her hands went to her face to furiously scrub the tears away. “Coward. I don’t want some wonderful man. I want you. Of all people, I thought you’d be man enough to face things head on, but instead, you’re ready to run like a big baby. Don’t tell me lies and expect me to buy it like a pansy-ass. I won’t, Ren.”
Stunned by the outrage, he stared at her.
Lord he loved this woman. His mom would call her a whippersnapper. Yep. Whippersnapper. She was more than sweet. She was feisty and strong and, um, had a little bit of a temper. Why had he never noticed it before?
He was pretty much speechless, but as he watched her tremble in fury, he opened his mouth then shut it again as Sadie stepped closer and pointed a finger in his face. “I know what you’re thinking, Ren. You think you’re not good enough. Screw that! You think your work is dangerous. Well, la-di-da. Walking across the street can be dangerous. Going to work can be dangerous. Kids get cancer and, bless their hearts, can die leaving everyone to wonder why. I’m a doctor, you dumbass. I know a little bit about danger, too. So why don’t you climb off your high horse and realize that we’re all in this big, wide world together, doing the best we can?”