Maybe they'll live.
Maybe they'll survive it.
They never do.
I wonder if it's wrong, teasing them that way, or if it's something they ought to be thankful for. I can only imagine how they must feel—the relief, the gratitude, the reverence for life. I wonder how many find God in those seconds, how many feel God for the first time in their mundane lives, as adrenaline and dopamine and all that feel good shit their body stores up releases in one big flood through their bloodstream.
Whoosh.
The highest high, brought on by the lowest low. Maybe they think it's a gift, a 'once-in-a-lifetime opportunity' you don't want to miss… or maybe it's nothing more than a cruel trick.#p#分页标题#e#
I'm not sure.
I don't know how I'd prefer it.
These are the things I think about when I lay in bed at night, staring at the ceiling in the darkness, past the point of exhaustion and well into my second wind. It has been, what? Two days? Forty-eight hours since I last closed my eyes and drifted off to sleep.
I'll sleep when I'm dead. That's something my father used to say, something he told my mother whenever she got on his case about working so much. The man never slept either, running on a perpetual second wind every day.
Life is short, barely a blink for some of us.
Why waste half of it with your eyes closed?
I'll sleep when I'm dead.
Maybe I'm already there…
Sighing, I turn my head, looking away from the ceiling, and glance at the bed beside me. Karissa is fast asleep on her stomach, facing me, her leg hitched against mine as I lay on my back. Her face is so close that even in the darkness I can make out the splattering of freckles along her nose, more prominent these days because of the sun. She looks so peaceful. I wonder if she's dreaming.
I wonder how often she thinks about dying.
Gritting my teeth from the pain, I shift onto my uninjured side, careful not to disturb her. I reach over and push some stray hair out of her face, tucking it behind her ear before running the back of my hand along her flushed cheek.
I think about her dying all the time.
Leaning over, I press a kiss to her forehead, giving myself just a second to linger, before climbing out of bed. I dress in silence, pulling my clothes on in the dark, and walk out of the bedroom without giving her another look. I head downstairs, grabbing a bottle of water in the kitchen, and stare at the pill bottles on the kitchen counter.
I still don't take them.
I leave the house, making sure to lock up, and glance at my watch under the glow of the outdoor lights.
Five in the morning.
I don't know where I'm going, or what I'm doing, but I can't stare at that ceiling, can't lay in that bed beside Karissa and dwell on dying anymore. I drive around for a while, letting the darkness consume me, letting the silence swarm me, before somehow ending up in Hell's Kitchen around dawn.
A hint of light touches the morning sky, the temperate already warm… it's going to be a sweltering day.
I park the car near the familiar deli for the second time in less than twenty-four hours, locking the doors before strolling toward it. It's empty inside, the chairs upside down on top of all the tables, but I can see a hint of light in the back, beyond the swinging door.
I know he's here.
He always is at this time.
The door is locked, not budging when I pull on it. Sometimes I wonder if he put the bars on the place because of me. I remember when he first opened it, when I was just a kid, when Vitale's hung prominently and the glass was exposed, open and friendly.
Everyone was welcome back then.
I was only eighteen the day my father told me to get out and never come back, the day he told me my kind wasn't welcome here anymore.
The bars went up a week later.
I've kept my distance ever since.
I round the corner, slipping down the small alley that runs behind the stretch of buildings. Dumpsters line the graffiti-riddled walls, the smell of trash and piss burning my nostrils as I pass. The back door of the deli is lit up from the inside, the door propped open a crack thanks to a cinder block.
My father stands just inside, in front of a long metal table, chopping vegetables with his back to the door. He stalls when he hears me step inside, his shoulders squaring, but he doesn't turn around.
Five. Ten. Fifteen seconds pass, as I stand just inside the kitchen, before he goes right back to what he was doing.
"Twice in one day, Ignazio," he says without even looking, the sound of the knife against the cutting board magnified as he expertly chops. I learned how to do that from him, how to use a knife gracefully like it's an extension of my limb.
I just use it differently.
"It's almost sunrise," I say, shoving my hands in my pockets as I lean back against the wall beside the door. "It's a brand new day."
He finishes that head of lettuce before moving on to another. "If you want to get technical, it's only been twelve hours since your last visit. That's half a day."