But I refuse to give him a chance to say anything else, and turn around to leave. My heart skips a beat when I see River leaning against the doorway. His eyes are narrowed on Ben, but as they meet mine they immediately soften. Even here I can't help but admire his appeal. His lean body clothed in a black T-shirt and jeans that hang low on his hips. That strong natural stance. He holds his hand out to me and without giving Ben a second glance he asks, "Ready to go, beautiful?"
Smiling at him, I take River's hand and we go to find Serena before he leads us home.
Chapter 27
All I Want
Ben's Journal
A bottle of Jack later, and here I am. My life is a mess. I don't even know how to get my life together anymore. How fucking pathetic. One minute Mom was concerned about Trent and the next she was gone. There's no one to blame but me. I can't help but wonder if she'd still be here today if I would have stayed buried. Was the stress of my return too much for her body to take? I can't believe she's gone.
And now Caleb is leaving. He took a job with the FBI, so I have no one. Plus, my sister is pissed as hell at me. And Dahl-I've really lost her. I even tried to call Kimberly, but she shot me down. Before she hung up she told me to call her when I wasn't drunk and could tell her where I was. She never used to be so demanding.
My life is full of epic mistakes, one bad decision after the other. I don't even know which one came first anymore or which one was worse-chasing notoriety and paying the consequences, coming back and thinking I could pick up where I left off, or cheating on a girl who loved me unconditionally, a girl who didn't deserve it, and then watching her choose someone else over me.
After Mom died and I watched Dahl turn to him for support, I needed to get out . . . to forget everything. So I did. I don't remember much except that I drank until the pain felt like it belonged to someone else and then I went home with some girl. And just like it once used to-the sex helped me forget. Even for a little while.
I was so drunk that I passed out in her bed. Fuck, I never stayed the night with a chick that was only a fast lay. Then there was no need for the awkward morning conversation. But this time I woke up to my phone ringing. Still feeling drunk, I checked my messages. Listening to them, I instantly sobered up. My sister had left six messages. I was supposed to meet her to make funeral arrangements. I had no idea what the girl's name was, but I told her she had to drive me back to my car. I had to get there. My mom would want me to be strong. I couldn't disappoint her again-I had enough guilt.
Just as I thought she'd be, Dahlia was there. I apologized again but I no longer believe she will forgive me. I gave her the journal and I hope one day she'll read it and at least know I really did love her.
Chapter 28
Tears in Heaven
As the sunlight streams through the windows and the Hollywood sign is clearly visible, I move to slip on my pearls. Clasping the strands around my neck, I look at the image in the mirror and I know who I see . . . I don't have to look twice. I see a woman in control of her own life. A woman whose life has been guided by strong role models. And she's found true love and knows loneliness is far behind her. I stand tall and know I will make it through today and tomorrow and every day after that.
Grace was the one I wanted to be like-the one who always saw the world through rose-colored glasses, and who rarely let anything get her down. She was strong and independent, fun and loving, caring and nurturing, and I was lucky enough to have had her in my life. I owe her the comfort of knowing I will be all right-no, not just all right, I will be more than all right. I have learned to face the truth and because of it I will never have any regrets.
Today we have to say goodbye to her. Her body may be gone, but I know that her spirit will live on through me. I tuck the diary that Ben gave me in my mother's chest. Then I put my no-regrets bracelet in my purse with the screwdriver, muster up my courage, and make my way down the hallway to find River. He's sitting at the breakfast bar waiting for me. The very sight of him makes me smile . . . strong, resilient, soulful, loving-and all mine.
Taking a shaky breath, I tuck a piece of hair behind my ear. He stands and holds his arms out to me. His lips set in a soft smile as I approach him and hug him tightly. For a minute I rest my head against his neck, breathing him in. Whispering in my ear, he tells me I'm strong and I can do this. Then he leads me to the car and we make the long drive to Laguna Beach and to the church where I will say my goodbyes to Grace.