Torn (Connections #2)(66)

I can see that Ben's reading something on his phone.

He looks up at me. "I have to find a facility to check Trent into immediately. Can you help me?"

"Sure, what can I do?"

He hands me his phone. "You could make a list of all the rehabilitation centers in Orange County and I'll start calling them. I haven't bought a new computer yet, but you can search for the numbers on my phone. It's the one thing besides my journal I brought back with me from New York City. I think you even know the phone number," he says with a weak smile.

Thoughts of him having to establish an entirely new life and then having to leave that life trigger something I never expected to feel for him again-sympathy. I haven't really spent any time thinking about how all of this impacted him; I've been so focused on how his leaving affected me. Coming back here and starting over can't have been easy.

We spend the next few hours trying to secure a spot for Trent. Once I've compiled the list, I leave Ben to the phone calls and go to check on Trent. I move my hand to his forehead and he stirs, mumbling something about money he owes. When I come back to the living room, Ben tells me he got Trent on six waiting lists at private centers.

Sitting on the couch, I throw my legs up, completely exhausted. Ben sits at the opposite end and stretches out his legs. Uncomfortable at the familiarity of the situation, I scramble to sit up. I pull my knees up to my chest and wrap my arms around my legs, resting my chin on them.

Smirking, he watches me as he absentmindedly rubs his arm.

"How bad is it? Did you go to the hospital?" I ask.

"Fuck no. Caleb just popped it back in place."

I roll my eyes. "Of course he did."

We sit in silence as I stare at the sling and then I have to ask, "When I checked on Trent he was mumbling that he owes people money again. Do you know who?"

Furrowing his brows he says, "I think he was selling and owes some dealers. When he's more coherent I'll find out who and how much and see what I can do to settle his debt."

I let out a long silent sigh because there is nothing I can say to that. Trent suddenly yells and Ben rolls off the couch and hurries to check on him. When he comes back I ask, "Are you sure he shouldn't be in the hospital?"

"Yeah Dahl, I am. I can do everything for him they can."

"What do you mean?"

Sitting in one of the chairs he tells me, "When I was in New York I taught drug management and volunteered at a rehab center."

"Really? What made you get into that?"

He looks at me, his blue eyes sad. "I had to find something to do that made me feel useful. I was looking for purpose and those kids needed someone. It worked."

"Have you thought about what you're going to do here?"

He props one elbow on his knee and hangs his head between them. Then he turns his head toward me. "No, I haven't. I can't do anything right now. First, I have to get my finances in order, reestablish my identity, and get through the legal proceedings. The frenzy will start once the press gets wind of the case and it will be hard to stay out of the public eye. I'm sure reporters will be hounding me. So until the trial is over, I can't even think about what I'm going to do."



       
         
       
        

At the glimpse of his pain, my heart sinks as I think of the life he has to rebuild and the hurdles he will have to jump to do so. I feel another sudden wave of sympathy. "I'm sorry, Ben. I had no idea."

He takes in a deep breath and slowly blows it out. "This isn't how I ever imagined we'd end up."

"I know Ben, neither did I, but . . ."

He stops me midsentence. "Stop Dahl, don't say 'but' yet," he says with a frown.

Rising, he moves over to me. He sits on the coffee table and faces me. He grabs my hand. "I don't know what I was thinking back then. Why I left you here. I want so much to take it all back. Do it differently. I know I handled everything wrong. But do you think you can forgive me?"

Pulling my hand away, I keep quiet, letting my silence answer for me. Just because I can have a conversation with Ben about his situation doesn't mean I can forgive his actions; I'm just not sure I am ready to do that.

"I know this is hard for you, but I feel empty without you . . . I want to go back to where we were. Do you think you could try?"

"Ben, I'm sorry, but no. I'm with someone else now. We can't change the events that led us to where we are."

He looks away. He doesn't say another word and neither do I. We both remain quiet for a few moments, and then when I stand up, he grabs my arm and bluntly asks, "Are you happy with him?"