I could see she was afraid to let me touch her; maybe afraid of what she might feel. So maybe there's a chance for us. I think we just need more time to get things back to how they used to be between us. I thought when I finally got to talk to her for real, not just in the journal I was keeping for her, she'd listen and be reasonable, but she went off on me instead. Her rage intensified with every fucking wrong word I said and she didn't give me a chance to explain.
She might have left me on the beach, begging her to not walk out of my life, but I don't care. Yeah, she walked away from me, but in the end, despite the shitty conversation, I'm glad she came to see me-and she came alone. Although as soon as I told her the prick knew about her attack, she not only mentally checked out, she left.
I'll keep trying. I've needed her since the day I left. I wished I'd have told her that. I actually wish I had taken her with me. Maybe that was what she needed to hear. I did run after her but stopped when I reached the end of the bridge. He was there looking all kinds of smug and arrogant. Who the fuck wears jeans and boots to the beach?
But Dahl, she was pissed. She stormed right up to him and, fuck, did she go off. From the looks of it there are cracks in their relationship. Things he doesn't know or understand about her like I do. He didn't tell her what he knew. I know better. She's pissed as fuck at him and getting her to forgive him isn't going to be easy. That's exactly what I need-for them to be apart. Time for her to remember us and forget them.
If she breaks up with him like she did with me that one time, I'll have plenty of time to get her back. Fuck, she may never get back together with him. She broke up with me for what she thought was only the start of something with someone else, and I let her believe that. I had to. I couldn't tell her the truth. I knew if she had found out we'd be over forever. She would never forgive me; fuck, I still can't forgive myself. I made one slip in judgment, but I would never do that to her again. Not even if it's served right in front of me. The one time ate away at me.
Each time I thought about it I hated myself for being weak, but in all honesty I enjoyed every minute while it happened. For some reason that copper-haired girl got my blood pumping. I didn't want to know anything about her. I didn't even know her last name. In fact, every time she came on to me, I ran away. How fucking pathetic. Why couldn't I just tell her to back off? For some reason I couldn't. And I didn't the night I was shitfaced and she cornered me at the after-party. She did her usual come-on and I did my usual and hightailed it away from her but she followed. Trevor hadn't come back to school yet and the room was empty so I headed there. I went into the bathroom and splashed water on my face. When I looked in the mirror-there she was taking her clothes off. Yeah, her body was amazing and the way she offered it to me was fucking hot, but there was more. It was something in her eyes that drew me in. I felt like she got me. I couldn't stop myself, but I know I should never have fucked her. It could have destroyed my relationship with Dahl. Almost did.
We stayed locked up in Trevor's empty suite and I didn't just screw her once-but over and over again, all night long. She was kinky as fuck and we kept at it until dawn. I knew it was wrong.
Why am I even still thinking about her? Maybe it was her eyes? Maybe it was the way she blew me? Maybe it was the mind-blowing sex? I have no fucking idea . . .
But later when that girl e-mailed me asking to meet, I was determined to stay away. Fuck, I thought maybe she was going to tell Dahl or tell me she had VD. Eventually I agreed when she said it was really important. In the end I never met her because Dahl came home early. That was the last I heard from her so I figured she was just trying to get my attention and finally gave up-until she started calling again months later. By then Dahl had seen the e-mail and I knew better than to even talk to her. I wasn't taking any chances.
I still, to this day, can't believe I strayed from my girl. I'd like to blame it on being young and immature because, really, of all the things that I was-I wasn't a cheater. Or at least I wasn't until that one night. Hell, I was used to being pursued. I shouldn't have let her break me. Women have chased me my whole life-some relentlessly, but I never cared, not once before her and not once after her. Shit, back then I lived in a frat house and there was never a shortage of girls offering to have a good time. I always refused. I loved my girl and wasn't taking the chance of losing her.
Chapter 7
Your Call
It's still early in the morning when I find myself at the beach. I park a few miles from the house I used to share with Ben and remove my Converse so I can feel the grainy sand that usually comforts me, but once again it doesn't. As I walk along the shore, the tide rolls in and splashes of cold water prickle my skin. So many thoughts are running through my head. First and foremost: What the hell just happened?