Torn(3)

“I think I can handle Clarence,” I said, even though I knew he was right. Yet another of the perks of my über- chick persona was immortality. And the idea of spending eternity awake but six feet under was definitely the stuff of my nightmares.

For that matter, if I came up against a demon with telepathic powers, I could also end up the victim of permanent brain-fry. And since Clarence had just such a skill set, I had to consider the possibility that he’d be able to whup my ass without lifting a finger.

“You’re important, Lily. Don’t risk yourself.”

The irony was inescapable, and I bit back a laugh. “Important,” I repeated. “I think Clarence once told me that very thing.”

“I’m not him,” he said. “And I’m not using you.”

I was about to argue but kept my mouth closed. The truth was, despite the inexplicable bond I felt with Deacon, I still didn’t trust him. For that matter, I didn’t trust anyone. I’d learned my lesson with Clarence, and until I had a peek into someone’s mind, I had to assume their agenda was their own, and I was only a pawn.

Needless to say, that wasn’t a role I much liked.

“You have to trust me sometime,” Deacon said. He was looking straight at me, and I could see my reflection in the black lenses of his glasses.

“No,” I said. “I really don’t.” I’d work with him. Truth be told, I’d do a hell of a lot more with him. But that didn’t mean I had to trust him.

“Dammit, Lily,” he said, grinding my name out like a curse.

That frustration in his voice irritated me, snapping the final taut string that had been holding my patience in place.

“No,” I snarled as I slid out from under Rose and moved across the small room to stand in front of him. I hadn’t taken off my knife, and the pressure of the thigh holster against my leg gave me a sense of confidence. Of power. “You told me you had a vision of the two of us closing the Ninth Gate. Well, good for you. But in case you’ve forgotten, I’ve already played the we-need-you-to-save-the-world game once, and I lost big-time.”

I’d been told my mission was to stop a demon priest from opening a portal to hell. Instead, I’d been duped into stopping a real priest from sealing that very thing. And in only two short weeks, that portal was going to be filled with incoming demon traffic, busier than a freeway during morning rush hour.

“I screwed up,” I said. “I’m not going to make the same mistake twice.”

“Trusting me isn’t a mistake,” he said.

“Since you won’t let me look in your head, I have absolutely no way of knowing if you’re bullshitting me or not.”

He stopped pacing and turned slowly toward me. Too slowly, actually, and I longed to see his eyes, to have a hint as to what he was thinking. Beneath the thin shirt, his muscles tensed. An animal readying for the kill.

I took an involuntary step back, my hand going automatically to my blade even before I realized what I was doing.

“You are not going inside my head again,” he said, his voice slow and deadly.

“If I want to, you can’t stop me.”

“Believe me, Lily,” he said. “I could stop you.”

“Wanna prove it?” I said, feeling pissed off and grumpy, and yeah, I wanted to hurt him. Wanted to pick a fight. The demons inside me were stirred up, gunning for some action. Violence. Pain. Sex. One at a time, or all at once in a singularly wild erotic moment. I didn’t care. I just needed the release. The catharsis.

“Back off, Lily,” he said, his jaw firm and his muscles tense. He turned and deliberately looked toward Rose. “Back off and get a grip.”

I exhaled, loud and long, frustrated and ashamed. “At the end of the day, I don’t know a damn thing about you except that you’re a demon. A Tri-Jal.” I knew that, and yet I also knew that I wanted him. Knew that I’d seen the two of us together, wild and naked, in his mind. But I’d seen blood there, too. And pain. And the promise of a redemption that he hadn’t yet achieved. “You’re asking me to take a lot on faith.”

“Yeah,” he said, “I am.”

“I don’t have a lot of faith left in me.”

“Lily . . .”

“Dammit, Deacon. Let me in. Let me see. Let me have one true thing in this completely whacked world I live in now. One thing that I can feel and touch and say, ‘Yes, I know this is real.’ ”

He moved so fast I never saw the hand that reached out and jerked me toward him. He slammed me back against the wall, his arms caging me even as my palm closed around the hilt of my knife. He was hot and hard and right there, and I could hear the blood rushing through me, could feel my body tighten in reaction to his proximity. I heard myself gasp and hated myself for it. At the same time, I wanted nothing more than for him to close his mouth over mine and make me forget everything else that was going on in this freaked-out world we were living in.