"Keep it real, Kel," Jaye says.
I laugh, "Always succinct, aren't you Jaye?"
"You know it," he says with a smile.
Wilson approaches next. "I have really enjoyed getting to know you, Kelli. You are a phenomenal woman and I hope you find all the happiness you deserve back in D.C. You will be missed." He says it with such heartfelt emotion that I get a little misty eyed.
"Dammit Wilson, don't you dare make me cry!" I yell, as I bury my face in his scrawny chest. I can't help a sniffle as he wraps his arms around me, but I manage to shake it off as I pull back.
Surprising me, Ben is behind Wilson, waiting for a hug. I give him a brief one and he says curtly, "Good luck out there."
I nod and turn to Tom who looks odd with a serious expression on his face.
"I know I've always given you shit, but I really do think you are special and if you weren't in love with Ian, I would have made a serious play for you." The whole group gets stiff at the mention of Ian's name, and Tom quickly realizes his mistake. They have no idea what has gone on between us, but they know whatever it was, it didn't end well.
"Anyway," Tom begins again, "I'll certainly look you up the next time I'm in D.C. I get out there occasionally for work and you can show me around. Maybe you can hook me up with one of your loose friends, so I don't have to pay for a hooker. They are so damn expensive out there."
We all laugh and the tension passes.
"I'm sure we can get someone drunk enough to sleep with you for free," I say smiling at him as I pat him on the arm. "You aren't a bad looking guy."
"Damn straight!" he says, puffing up his chest.
"Oh God, really? You had to say that?" Abby says with mock unease.
"Now we'll never hear the end of it. ‘Kelli thinks I'm gorgeous!' You know that's what this'll end up being remembered as, right?" Jaye asks.
"Oh, I doubt it'll stop there. Before long he'll be remembering how she was begging to sleep with him before she left and trying to … " Abby continues, but I stop listening.
I smile at them all and stand there, basking in the warmth and good humor of the moment. Another thing I'm taking from my time in L.A. is learning to live in the moment. I'm much better at it now than I've ever been, and it really does enhance one's quality of life. Being here, feeling the caring and wit and friendship of these five is something I'll remember for a long time to come.
After another ten minutes or so, the crew begins packing up. Ian is still missing, so I close out their tabs for the night.
The pub's now empty, except for me and Hal. I look at him and ask, "What do you say, Big Man? Walk me home one last time?" He nods, so I go in the back and get my stuff. Ian is stilling at his desk, staring at his computer. I get my purse and coat, and pause in the doorway.
"The place is empty. Hal's walking me home. Goodbye, Ian," I say quickly, tears threatening, and rush into the front. I don't know if he responds, but with that, my time at McGregors is over.
Chapter 12: Fairy Tales are for Suckers
I've been back in D.C. for about two weeks and things are going really well. The job is everything I wanted it to be. I'm challenged and pushed, yet appreciated and acknowledged. The hours pass quickly, which is nice because at night I feel every second. I can't close my eyes without seeing Ian and in every idle moment my mind turns to him. So I get in early and stay late, and everyone thinks I'm oh-so-dedicated to my new position.
A few minutes before noon on Tuesday of my second week back, I meet up with Sela and we head towards Tenley Circle for lunch.
"I hate the cold!" I complain bitterly as I shove my hands into some gloves. "The day I left L.A. it was like 70 degrees and sunny. In February."
"Wimp," Sela says unsympathetically. "You were out there what? Four months? And already you've already gone soft?"
"Six months," I mutter under my breath.
She laughs. "Oh, six, well then, that makes all the difference! Of course you're cold."
I laugh too and we walk on in companionable silence.
"Kelli!" a shout from behind causes me to stop. Turning back, I see Victor hustling towards us. Dressed in a long wool coat and grey scarf, he looks very cosmopolitan. About my height and compactly built, his dark brown hair and eyes used to make me swoon. Not any more.
"I think I'll meet you there," Sela says as she quickly continues down the street.
"Sela, wait!" I begin, but she acts as if she hasn't heard me and keeps going. Great. I have to face Victor alone. Fun.
"Hey, Kelli, so good to see you," Victor says as he reaches me and gathers me into an embrace.
"Hi Victor. Good to see you, too."
"So, how was L.A.?" he asks with what seems to be sincerity.
"I actually really liked it," I say. "The weather especially." I stamp my feet and rub my hands together, as if that helps at all.
He laughs pleasantly and gives me what I used to think was his "sexy" smile. "What did you get yourself up to out there?"
I had thought long and hard about what I was going to tell people. I feel a little foolish returning after only being gone six months. That's clearly not enough time to make a fresh, new start, which was the goal of the move. But I remind myself that I gained a lot from my time in L.A. and I need not be embarrassed. I learned what it felt like to stand with my feet in the Pacific Ocean. I learned to do a better job at living in the moment. I learned to push myself and reminded myself that I'm braver than I think. And of course, I learned to love. Truly love.
But none of those were things I was prepared to share with Victor.
"I drank margaritas on the beach and learned how to run an Irish pub. It was a blast!" My now-standard answer seems to work well, with most people remarking how much fun I must have had, and how lucky I was to have a break from the normal routine of life in D.C.
"And you came back because … " Victor asks.
"Claude called and made me an offer I couldn't refuse," I say with a shrug of my shoulders.
"I really missed you, Kelli," Victor says softly.
I look at him, my eyes wide and my brow furrowed skeptically. He shakes his head slowly.
"What? Just because I don't wear my heart on my sleeve doesn't mean I didn't care for you. It doesn't mean that I wasn't upset to see you go. We never really got the chance to see if anything was going to develop between us," he says.
I'm at a loss for what to say. Before Ian, I would have been jumping up and down to hear Victor say something like this. I would have been suggesting we grab a drink after work and catch up. But now I can only think of one man, and Victor's words mean nothing.
"No, I suppose we didn't," I say thoughtfully. "Hey, how have you been? Did I hear you got a promotion?"
Victor nods, smiling. "Yeah, I'm an associate professor now. And I have an article coming out in the Journal of Modern Literature next month. Things are going well. At work, at least," he says, leadingly.
I really have nothing more to say on the subject of us, so I decide to beat a hasty retreat. "Look Victor, it was great seeing you again but I have to catch up to Sela. I'll see you around, okay?"
I take off without giving him a chance to respond. I feel a little crappy about brushing him off like that, but I really didn't know what else to do. I have absolutely zero interest in picking back up where we left off.
Later that day I meet up with Rachel for happy hour and tell her about my run in with Victor. Being back in the same town as Rachel has been fantastic. Although, it probably hasn't been the best for my liver. I can't even count the bottles of wine we've been through in the time I've been back. I'm still shocked I didn't give myself alcohol poisoning on Valentine's Day.
For even with all the positives in my life, I cannot escape the fact that I'm heart broken.
In my quest to improve my life, I'm trying something new with this heartbreak. Each time I think of Ian, I allow myself one good thought, and then I change the subject in my head. For instance, when I saw a guy with a black t-shirt on in Whole Foods, I of course immediately thought of Ian. I allowed myself to remember how he looked the day we met - strong, confident, breathtaking. Then, instead of traveling down that miserable spiral about how much I miss him and how I can't ever imagine loving anyone other than him, I change my thoughts. I think about what I'm going to name the first cat I get. Or how much I love Ethiopian food. Or that the start of baseball season is only weeks away.