"Yes," I confirm. "May I come in so we can discuss it?"
He moves to the side, allowing me into the room. The first thing I notice is my glass vase sitting on a shelf beside his orb. I take a quick breath and then notice how messy his place is. It's surprising; as long as I've known him, I've never seen anything of his out of place - not in his pub, nor his office, not even his truck is messy. I wonder briefly if it is an indication of his being half as miserable as I am.
I walk to the center of the room and stop. Turning to face him as he remains near the door, I cut right to the chase, "Wednesday I got a call from my someone at my old office. They'd like to hire me back. It's a promotion to a position I've wanted for quite some time, and a substantial raise, and I'm planning on accepting."
Ian doesn't say anything and he suddenly reminds me of an obstinate teenager, unwilling to offer his opinion even though he knows it's the reason I'm here. Well, two can play that game. I cross my arms across my chest, shift my stance throwing out my left hip, and raise my eyebrows. I'm one hell of a starer.
Feeling the might of my moxy, he succumbs to my gaze. "What is it you want me to say, Kelli?" His voice is tense, guarded, and it pisses me off.
"Oh I don't know Ian, how about what you fucking think about this? Do you want me to go? Do you want me to stay? What do you think? How do you feel?" I practically yell at him. All the way over, I prepped myself to be calm, to just deliver the news and leave. But the sight of him has me overly emotional and I can't seem to suppress my anger and pain.
His eyes are cold as he says, "I don't see how it's any of my business."
I let out a mangled cry of frustration at this. "Of course you don't! Silly fucking me! I just thought we were in love, that's all!"
"What the hell do you want from me, Kelli?" he cries out, his voice anguished. "We are not a couple. We are not together. Whether or not I want you to go is an irrelevant question. My opinion should not matter to you in the least!"
"But it does," I cut him off. "It does matter, Ian, because even though we are not a couple - and yes, I fucking know we are not a couple! I'm exceedingly aware of that little fact! - I still care about what you think. The thought of having a continent separate us kills me. Would it matter to you at all?" I ask the last question in a small voice.
A flurry of emotions pass across his face, most too quickly for me to identify. He turns his head to the left and I can't see his eyes. Talking to the wall, his voice flat, he says, "I think things would be better with a continent between us."
It feels like a slap across the face, and I'm momentarily shocked. I take a few deep breaths and try to regain my composure. Finally, at long last, it is done. My hopes are completely dashed.
"Please consider this my two weeks notice." With my face lifted, I walk past him, open the door, and leave, closing it behind me.
I have to pause on his doorstep, the tears I was able to keep at bay inside threatening to overtake me. Through the door, I hear Ian roar, followed by the sound of shattering glass. I can't hold it back any longer; the tears come now, knowing he just destroyed the physical evidence of his birthday - the day we made love.
Suddenly I'm flying off his porch, running down his street as fast as I can. I run until his house is out of sight and then stop, panting, by a tree. I throw up, or rather dry heave since I haven't eaten anything. I'm bent over, my hands on the tree in front of me, gulping in air and tears until I can manage to stand again.
Walking slowly, I go back to my apartment and begin my transition back to D.C.
******
I'm yet again amazed at how easy it is to pack up one's life and move to the opposite side of the country. Thank goodness for the internet.
Claude was overjoyed at my decision and said they were looking forward to seeing me first thing Monday morning, February 15th. I hope I'm not too hungover, races through my mind as I can't imagine Valentine's Day this year is going to be pretty. But Rachel is also thrilled at my return and has promised she'll spend the weekend before helping me get ready. This promotion will definitely require some new suits and she's excited to help me shop.
I get super lucky on the housing front: a friend of mine is going to Europe for six months on a job assignment and needs a subletter, and a cat sitter. I can get some practice with the whole cat thing. Here in Santa Monica it is never hard to find renters and my landlady accepted my proposed subletter for the remainder of my lease.
Everything is set. I just have to tell the McGregor's crew. In a follow up text, I had asked Ian not to tell anyone, and asked if Sunday night could be my last shift. I knew I couldn't stand any fan fare or long goodbyes, and I figured I'd tell them as they were winding down for the night. Their pattern is pretty set, and by 9pm Abby, Wilson and Jaye are out the door, with Tom and Ben following about 10pm. I asked Ian if he'd have Hal work, so I could tell him, and asked if he'd tell Sean and Tracey the next day. While we had fun chatting, Tracey was always so busy and we never developed a deep bond. I didn't think she'd care not hearing it from me, and I know Sean couldn't care less.
Of course, then there was Pappy. I told Pappy myself a couple days after I had given notice. We went out for one of those sweet lattes he is now addicted to, and I broke the news. He was quiet and accepted it well. He could tell I was a little surprised that he didn't fight, and he told me he knew it was coming. He thanked me for giving Ian a second chance. He told me I was a wonderful woman and he truly wished things could have worked out with Ian. But he could see that Ian wasn't budging, and that seeing each other every day was hurting both of us. He wished I was staying closer, but he was happy I had found a job that would make me happy, and that I was returning to a place where people loved me.
It was hard, but I got through it with only a few tears. Now, I only have this last goodbye scene left.
I emerge from the kitchen having psyched myself up for the big tell. The crew is discussing some random Star Wars theory, Hal is washing down the tables, and Ian is drying glasses. I squeeze past him to stand before the crew.
My heart is racing as a I clear my throat. "Guys," I say loudly. "Hal, can you come over here? I have something I need to tell you all."
All eyes turn towards me. Hal walks over, and I notice Ian slipping into the kitchen. I want to stop and think about what that means, but I don't have time. I have six sets of eyes on me. Go time.
Shifting my weight back and forth I finally blurt out, "Tonight's my last shift. I've accepted a job back in D.C. and I leave on Wednesday. I've really loved working here, and getting to know all of you, but this job is too good to pass up." I stop to take a breath and the room gets noisy.
"What?" Wilson asks, at the same time Abby exclaims, "You can't leave us!"
Jaye says, "Hey, congratulations. We'll miss you."
Tom says, "Tuesday night, you and me. If you are leaving the state, you gotta give me at least one date!"
Ben raises his pint in silent salute.
I turn to Hal, who has joined me behind the bar. Hal isn't a big talker, so I'm not sure how he feels about me. But he's walked me home so many times, and is always around, I'm kinda attached to him. True to form, he doesn't say anything, but he folds me into a tight embrace. His strength and warmth are comforting, and I almost start to cry, so I wiggle out of his arms and face the crew.
"I'm really sorry I didn't give you all more notice, I just … well, I knew I couldn't handle a long, drawn out goodbye. If you guys ever make it out to D.C., please let me know. I'd love to show you the city."
It gets awkwardly silent for a moment. That's really all there is to say. We all stare at each other until I can't take it anymore.
"Alright, well – " I begin but Abby cuts me off.
"Kelli, get your ass out here so we can hug you!"
I walk around to the other side of the bar and they stand up and gather around me.
"I'm really going to miss you. I loved having another girl around to deal with these assholes. But I'm happy for you. Keep in touch, alright?" Abby says, as she embraces me.
"Of course. Plus, I'll be sure to send you random insults you can lob at these guys on my behalf."
She laughs. "You're the best!" and moves out of the way to let Jaye come in for a hug.