"I'm not punishing myself," Ian says stubbornly.
"Yessyouarr!" I disagree. "Luv, luv is right infronna you and you won't ‘scept it!"
"It can't happen again, Kelli. I won't let it happen again," Ian says seriously.
"Wha? Wha canna happen agin?" I ask.
He looks at me like I'm an idiot, but try as I might, I really can't figure out what he's talking about. Shaking his head angrily he says, "Really? Really? You want me to fucking say it! Fine, I'll say it. Rape! Kelli. Rape! I cannot rape another woman!"
I draw in a shocked breath. Rape? He's worried about raping a woman? I'm at a loss.
"Why … why duyou think you'd rape agin?"
"Why wouldn't I?" he asks, and waits for an answer. When it is clear I'm not going to give him one, he continues. "I have no idea how I came to be raping that woman, Kelli. No fucking clue. If I can't remember how it happened, how can I be sure that it'll never happen again?"
I sit there staring at him, trying to process what he's saying. But …
"But, you werin war," I slur. "You had PDDST."
"Yes, and I still have PTSD," Ian says, somewhat more calmly. "It can still be triggered." He's quiet for a moment, looking at me gravely. "What if I did that to you, Kelli? What if I raped you? How could I live with myself after that? Fuck, I can hardly live with myself as it is."
"But … You couldna ... you couldna rape me," I say.
"You don't know that! You don't – " he starts.
"No! I mean … I mean... I always wannchu. I always wancchu, Ian. It'd never be rape."
He looks at me sadly. "I could still rape you, Kelli. Just because you love me doesn't mean you'll always want to have sex with me, the minute I want to have sex. I can still rape you." Tears have come to his eyes, and it looks as though even saying those words hurt him, as the act surely would.
I begin to shake my head fiercely, but have to stop as my stomach begins to roil.
He moves to sit on the coffee table in front of me, putting his hands on my knees.
"I can't take that chance with you, Sweetheart. I won't. I love you, and I won't chance that I could hurt you." Reaching out and touching my eye he says, "More than I already have."
"Ian," I begin, determined to say this as clearly as possible. Damn wine! "Ian. I know you could never hurt me." There, I said it. No slurring.
"You can't know that, Kel. No one can," Ian says sadly, shaking his head.
"I do know!" I say. "I am sure!"
He shakes his head again and leans forward, giving me a sweet, chaste kiss on the lips. "Don't go see my shrink again." With that, he stands. Walking to my kitchen, he pours a glass of water from my Britta on the counter and places it in front of me. Then he heads into my bathroom, returning a moment later with two Tylenol. Placing them beside the water he looks at me and says, "Take those. Drink the whole glass." Then he leaves.
I stare at the door long after he's gone. I try to make sense of what just happened, but I can't, and trying to is making my head hurt. I look at the coffee table and do as he told me; I take the pills and finish the glass of water. Then I turn my attention back to Harry and eventually fall asleep.
******
I have Tuesday off and I use it to nurse my hangover and lick my wounds. I text Rachel to set up a Skype.
Opening my laptop, I quickly answer her call and see her sweet face on my computer screen. A huge sigh escapes me, and I know I must look pathetic because she immediately cries, "Oh Sweetie! I hate that you are there and I am here; I want to hug you."
I nod, "I want you to hug me, too."
"You need some wine," Rachel exclaims. I can't help but laugh. Wine is Rachel's response to anything bad.
"Noooo," I moan. "I did that last night. A whole bottle, all by myself. I will NOT be drinking any more wine today."
"Hair of the dog," she says enthusiastically and I laugh again. She's grinning at me and I know she's trying to make me laugh, and it works … for a minute.
My laughter fades and I'm quiet for a minute.
"Ian?" she asks. I nod.
"We had sex," I say.
"WHAT?" she screams at the screen, literally standing up in her chair and getting so close to the computer that I can only see her eyes and nose. "WHEN?"
"Saturday night," I say.
"And you are just telling me now!" It wasn't a question - it was an accusation.
"Babe, I'm sorry. It's just … I can't … " I open and close my mouth a few times, no words coming out. Finally, I just shrug.
"Oh Sweetie," she's back to sympathizing. "Please, tell me what happened."
I take a few deep breaths and try and remove myself from the situation so I can give her a clear, succinct rundown of events.
"Saturday was Ian's birthday. I texted him to say Happy Birthday and inadvertently asked him out. Don't ask. He agreed to my non-existent offer. So we did. Go out. I took him to blow glass, something he had done a long time ago with his mom. It was great. Then we went to his place and cooked dinner. Then we had sex." I pause here for a moment and take a few more deep breaths. Rachel, shockingly, remains silent and waits patiently for me to continue. "It was just for his 30th, it wasn't supposed to happen again. When we finished, I cried and he freaked, leaving me in his house after he had fled the premises."
"What?" Rachel finally interrupts, unable to keep quiet at his treatment of me.
"I cried all day Sunday, but went to work and managed to be relatively normal. Yesterday, I woke up and had the bright idea of going and cornering his shrink." Rachel doesn't say anything but her eyes widen and she begins shaking her head, recognizing the train wreck I'm unfolding to her. "Of course, he wouldn't talk, so I went home and drank a bottle of wine. He told Ian, who came over to chew me out."
I stop there, nodding my head first, yep, this is a crappy situation, and then shaking it at how stupid I am. Then I grow still. "He thinks he'll rape me."
"What?" Rachel exclaims again.
"Yeah, that's why he doesn't want a relationship. He says he doesn't know how he came to rape that woman, and he worries it might happen again," I reply.
"Do you think it could?" Rachel whispers to the screen.
"No," I shake my head determinedly. "No, I do not think it can happen again. He was in a war zone. It was like eight years ago and he's been seeing a shrink basically ever since. Plus, he didn't know her. No, no I don't think he could do that to me. Ever."
Rachel nods, looking a little unconvinced but willing to give me the benefit of the doubt. "Well … well at least you know why now. Even if you disagree, at least it's a good reason."
I look at her pathetically and shrug.
"Kel, I hate to ask this, but have you considered coming home? I know you are looking for work there, but I'm sure you could find something at American, or one of the other universities. And you wouldn't be so far from your friends."
"Or so close to Ian," I say.
Rachel nods. "Yeah, that may not be such a bad thing."
"I know; I agree. It's just … I love him so much, Rachel. As horrible as I feel now, if I thought about never seeing him again … that's a pain I don't think I can endure. If I stay out here, I can still go to the pub every now and again. I can still see him, and hear his voice. If I move back home, that won't be an option. Plus, I'd feel like a failure. I came out here to start a new life. If I come home now, all I'll have accomplished is succeeding in getting my heart broken."
"You also learned how to make the best beef stew imaginable and can run a pub. That ain't nothin' you know," she says encouragingly.
I shake my head. "No, I can't come running home with my tail between my legs because I let some man take my heart and soul and shred them to pieces."
"Kel -" Rachel begins, but I cut her off.
"Rae, really. I'm going to be okay. I'm going to find a job that will fulfill me and I'll … " I stop again. "I was going to say, I'll put Ian behind me but I honestly don't think that will happen. There will never be a man I don't compare to him, and I can't imagine a man who could come out on top. But I was reconciled to being an old cat lady before I fell for him, so I'll simply return to that dream."
Rachel smiles sadly at me. "Well, then I think you need to get a cat. Get started."