"Oh. My. God!" she says, her voice rising on each word.
"My thoughts exactly. He hasn't touched me in six weeks and suddenly he's grinding against me to this Irish metal band in the middle of his pub. It was very weird," I say.
"What happened? I mean, I know you gave him a BJ, but how'd it come about? Give me every detail!" she commands.
"You sure you don't need to get back to work?" I tease.
"Start talking or I'll get on a plane this instant and make you talk!"
"That's not a particularly effective threat, Rae. I'd love to see you," I say.
"I know, Sweetie, me too. But please, please, please, tell me!" she implores.
"Basically, I begged. I'm not proud of it Rae, but once he put his hands on me, and I felt his erection, I lost it. I got so turned on that I begged him to take me into the kitchen."
"He made you beg?" Rachel asks a little incredulously.
"Actually, not really," I say. "I just had to ask once and he took my hand and led me back. He sat me up on the table we used the first time he got me off, but I wanted to take my shirt off, so we went into the office. Oh my god Rachel, he's body is glorious beyond belief!"
"I can imagine. In fact, yes, I'm imagining right now. Ahhhhh," she says.
I laugh again and shake my head.
"So," she prompts, "what happened next?"
"We go into the office and get naked from the waist up. I can only stand it for a couple minutes before I'm begging again. He goes down on me and it was fucking incredible. Seriously Rae, it was the best oral sex I've ever had. But I keep thinking, where'd he learn to do that? He's always made it seem like he doesn't date, but the man had some mad skills."
"Kel, something doesn't add up. Why wouldn't he date much? The man is a god! I think there's something he's not telling you," Rachel says.
I sigh; I guess it's time I told her. I can't keep her in the dark forever and since I've made up my mind to be with him, she's going to find out sometime. IF he lets me in, that is. Grabbing my coffee, I walk outside for some privacy.
"Ian's a vet, he served in the Iraq War," I begin. "When he was over there, well, I think he suffered from PTSD or something. There were a few instances where he blacked out, lost time. During one of those times he came to and he was raping a woman." I say it quickly, like ripping off a Band-Aid.
"Oh my god," Rachel whispers.
Still barreling ahead, I don't give her any time to assimilate this information before continuing. "It's worse than that. Seems he shot and killed her husband before he started … " my throat sticks on the word, but I force myself to continue, "...raping her. And her little boy, he saw it all. He saw his mother being raped." I swallow, and finally finish. Unfortunately, saying it quickly didn't make it any less horrifying.
There is a long pause before Rachel whispers, "Oh my god."
"He told me all of this right after our night at the beach. As you can -"
"How'd he tell you? Did he just blurt it out?" Rachel's question interrupts my train of thought.
"No, he brought me to see his therapist," I explain. "He told it like it was something that happened to someone else, like he hadn't really experienced it."
"Kelli, how did you go this long without telling me?" Rachel asks.
I shake my head, even though she can't see me. "I don't know, Rae. I just, I just couldn't say it out loud. I had no idea what to do with the information. It took me a while to process."
"And you've processed it now?" she asks.
"Yeah, I think so. It was hard, but ultimately I decided that while those events shaped who he is now, they don't define him."
"Wow," she says. "I … I don't know that I could forgive him this. Really, Kelli, I don't know if I could."
"I understand," I say. "It wasn't easy for me, but I've spent a lot of time thinking about who he is, about what he does for the community, and how he treats people. Pappy said something, too. He asked if I thought the man I knew was capable of doing that again. The answer, which I feel deep down in my bones, is no. I don't think he's capable of that. And while I never knew him before, I find it hard to believe that he would have done that under any sort of normal circumstance. He was in war Rachel. It was his second tour with active combat. I think it fucked him up."
"You can say that again," Rachel says, irony lacing her voice.
"I guess a part of me didn't want to tell you because I didn't want you to judge him," I say.
"Oh, honey, I'm sorry! I didn't mean -"
"No, it's alright," I cut her off. "Of course you'd judge him. Hell, I judged him. It's just that I get to see him five days a week. I get to see the good he does, how he helps the vets in the park and is kind to his customers and people on the street. I see him interact with his father and his staff and know what a true heart he has. I also see how he struggles with his past. You know that tattoo on his forearm? It says ‘forgive me' in Arabic. What he did eats him up from the inside out and all of these things help me to see him as more than a rapist and murderer. But you've only spent a few hours with him. Of course you can't know what he's really like."
"But, I trust you," Rachel says slowly. "I trust your judgment and I'm just a little shocked right now. I know you wouldn't love anyone who didn't deserve it."
"Thanks," I say. I can tell she's trying to convince herself to believe her words, and in time I know she'll succeed. "At any rate, I don't think he's done much dating since he's been back and I think he enlisted pretty young, so I'm not quite sure where he got such skill with his tongue." I bring us back to the issue at hand.
"Right," Racheal says, still speaking slowly, trying to rejoin me in the topic at hand. "Right!" she says again, this time more quickly. "That is strange. But it's good for you! So, you went down on him, too?"
"Yes. I was pretty surprised he let me, especially since he refused the last two times. He did try and resist this time too, but I already had his cock out by the time he realized what I was doing and once I got it in my mouth, he was a goner."
Rachel laughs, "You have mad blowing skills, do ya? You always do excel at whatever you set your mind to."
I laugh too, "No, I think it was more like it had been a long time since he was in anyone's mouth and nothing was going to stop him. Well," I pause, "that, and I have mad blowing skills."
We laugh together for a moment before I'm quiet again. "Pretty much as soon as I finished, he freaked out. I got to see inside him for a second, got to see his anguish and desire, and fear. He looked so scared, Rae. Then his wall came back up and he sprinted out of the pub. I texted him this morning; no response. I went by the park but he had gotten there extra early and was already gone. Now I'm sitting at a coffee shop by the pub, waiting for him to open."
"Kinda sounds like you are stalking him," Rachel says, trying to lighten the mood.
"It's necessary with this man! He's really adept at pulling away. If I don't pursue him, I know he'll let me slip away. And I don't want that, Rae. I let him go once, and all light left my world."
"You didn't give yourself much time to heal," she says softly.
I nod my head. It's true, I didn't, but she's reacting based on the information I gave her today. She's not trying to be judgmental, but she can't see how I could choose to be with him. I shouldn't have told her. At least now I know not to tell anyone else, especially not my mother or sisters.
"You're right," I say, appeasing her. "But I'm all in Rae, and I'm hoping he'll come to his senses and let himself love me like I love him. We both deserve that happiness, no matter what he thinks."
"Kel, are you really sure about Ian? I just … God, I just can't believe he did that. I think it is the most horrendous thing I've ever heard," she concludes sadly.
Movement of the pub's door catches my eye. I didn't have a chance to see who it was, but someone just entered. At this hour, it must be Ian.
"I've gotta go. Someone just went into the pub."
"Kelli!" Rachel cries out. "Don't just hang up. We should talk about this."
"I know, but I can't right now, Rae. I'm really sorry you aren't getting to see your family for Christmas, but have a happy holiday, as best you can at least while working, and I'll talk to you sometime before the new year." Without giving her a chance to say goodbye, I end the call. I shouldn't have told her.