Too Broken(31)

"Look, I know we'll never be a couple. I know that, alright? But I miss  you. And I miss Pappy and Hal, and Abby and Wilson, hell, I even miss  Tom. Plus, I was just getting some traction with the social media stuff.  We were up to 1,000 followers and counting on Instagram." I stop  talking because I know I sound idiotic and he's just staring at me.

I turn to face him. "I know it's crazy, but please consider letting me  come back. I promise, I'll stop throwing myself at you." I say this last  bit with a smile, but my heart twists at the words.

"Are you sure?" he asks, disbelieving.

"Yeah," I reply. "I'll focus my attention on Ben. I'm pretty sure he's secretly in love with me."

Ian laughs and I smile over at him. Pleasure fills me; I love his laugh.

He silently nods his consent. Here we go again.



******



My first shift back is surreal. I arrive at 6pm on Saturday night. All  the staff is accounted for, so I'm floating, doing a little of this and a  little of that. I come in through the back, grabbing an apron and  putting down my stuff. Tracey comes in with an empty tray and stops in  her tracks when she sees me.

"Oh my god! Kelli! Are you back? I hope you're back! We missed you so much. Please, tell me your back!" she says.

"I'm back," I say.

She let's out a squeal and rushes over to hug me, dropping the tray on the counter as she crosses the kitchen.

"I'm so excited. I can't wait to catch up. So much has happened since  you've been gone. Wait until I tell you about this commercial I got. It  was a total trip. But it's a little crazy out there right now, so I  suppose we'll have to wait." She moves over to the stove and dishes up  three bowls of stew. "Can you bring these to Table 3? Oh, and there's a  super hot guy at Table 2, so be sure to check him out!" She puts the  bowls on the tray and moves over to the sink to begin some dishes.

I grab the tray and head out. It's a busy night and both Ian and Sean  are behind the bar. The crew are on their stools and they don't seem to  notice me as I deliver the stew. I do a quick sweep of the room, bussing  a couple tables before heading back towards the bar.

"Kelli!" It's Tom who's spotted me first.

"Kelli!" A chorus of voices call out as Abby, Wilson and Jaye join in the greeting.

"Hey guys," I say with a smile as I move behind the bar and begin rinsing the glasses I had collected.

"I knew you couldn't stay away from me forever," Tom says smugly. "Just  couldn't go another day without seeing my beautiful face. Am I right?"

"I'd put money on your face having absolutely nothing to do with it," Abby says. "Needed the cash, did ya?"

I laugh, and nod, "Yeah, well, I'm not gonna lie. Money was a factor."  And it was, but only a minor one; I had been making enough to get by at  the Coffee Bean. I was back for Ian and while no one said it, I had a  feeling they all knew. They kept looking between he and I with furtive  glances, trying to gauge his reaction to me.

"Whatever the reason, we're glad to have you back," Wilson says. I smile at him. I love Wilson!



******



In no time at all, I fall back into the swing of things. My standard  week is Wednesday through Sunday where I work days on Wednesday and  Thursday, primarily doing marketing and helping out Pappy, and then  closing Friday, Saturday and Sunday, doing whatever needs to be done.

Abby makes a rare mid-week appearance one Thursday night and takes advantage of Ian being in the back to get a little intel.

"You were gone, what? Three weeks?" Abby asks, trying for casual but failing pretty miserably.                       
       
           



       

"Only two," I say. I don't really mind sharing with Abby, but she's going to have to ask; I'm not going to offer anything up.

"Take a vacation?" she tries again.

"Nope."

Looking at me, annoyance clearly written on her face, she says, "Kelli!"

I look at her innocently, and pull a beer for a customer down the bar. "What?"

"You aren't going to tell me what happened, are you?" she asks, resignation in her voice.

I finish putting the beer on the guy's tab and walk over to stand  directly in front of her. Leaning in, I say, "There isn't much to tell  Abby. Ian and I  …  we had a fight. I didn't think I could work here  anymore, so I quit and got another job. But, well, I was wrong. I don't  think I can't work here." I stop and smile at her. "How's that for some  double negatives?"

Abby laughs and nods her head. "I'd imagine he's pretty hard to quit."

"You can say that again," I affirm.

"For what it's worth, he was miserable. I've known him a long time and  I've never seen him like that. I don't know what's going on between you  guys, and I won't pry, I know Ian for one is pretty private. But you're  good for him Kelli, and I hope you can work it out. You'd be a great  couple."

I look at her then, sadness filling my eyes, "Don't hold your breath on  that one Abby. But I am hoping we can find a way back to our friendship  from before. I really miss that."

Abby takes a beat and then says, "Alright, cool. If you're relinquishing  your rights to him, I'm going to undertake a full court press to seduce  him. Think he'd like boudoir photos of me for Christmas? I've got an  adorable Santa negligée."

I can't help but laugh and Abby smiles. Ian comes back out then.

"There's a sink full of dishes back there," he says.

"On it, boss," I say as I head to the back.



******



I've been back to work about a week and things with Ian have mellowed. I  still get extremely anxious before each shift, and my heart nearly  beats it's way out of my chest whenever we accidentally touch, but for  the most part, we are doing well.

I wake up early on Tuesday morning and feel like going for a run. It is  extremely rare I actually want to run, so I jump out of bed intending to  get myself out of the door before the impulse leaves me.

I generally run on the treadmill, so I wasn't really sure where I should  go. I decide to head northwest and see where that takes me. I'm about a  half mile into my run when an odd thought strikes me: maybe I should  run by Anderson Park. I've never actually been there, but I know roughly  where it is. At this time of the morning, Ian might be there.

With each passing day it becomes more evident to me that my feelings for  Ian haven't truly changed from what I felt before I knew. Every day he  exhibits strength of character, generosity, kindness and intelligence.  Now, in addition to noticing those strengths, I can see his weaknesses  too. His shame, which he carries with him always, his insecurity, and  most especially his self loathing. If he were truly a monster, he  wouldn't feel those things. Isn't that how you can tell a psychopath?  They don't have a sense of right or wrong? Well Ian has a clear moral  compass and his transgressions into evil have left him permanently  scarred.

No, Ian is not a monster. Nor is he the saint I had painted him the  first few weeks I worked at the pub. He's just a man - flawed and fucked  up like the rest of us. Well, maybe a little more than the rest of us.

A block away from the park I see Ian's truck and my feet speed up,  matching my racing pulse. When the park comes into view I scan it,  quickly discovering where Ian is. Near the middle of the park is an area  with five or six picnic tables and standing beside one of them, his  back to me, is Ian. He stands tall and straight, easily spotted although  surrounded by homeless men and women.

He is handing out the stew slowly, talking to each person as he hands  them a bag. Some laugh and joke with him, others quickly accept the food  and move away. He seems at home, relaxed.

I near him slowly, staying behind him and trying to observe without being observed.

"Huntzinger's a total ass," a man exclaims loudly as he takes a bag from Ian.

"I agree. Try and get Tyrell if you can. He's pretty busy so will  probably say no at first, but keep at him. Catch him in the hall a few  times and he'll start to help."

"Thanks, brother," the man says. "Figuring out the VA is hard as fuck."                       
       
           



       

"I know. Took me about five years before I was getting all the services I  was eligible for. It's worth it though. The staff are great, if you can  just get through all the fucking red tape," Ian replies. "Let me know  if you need me to go with you sometime."

The man nods his thanks and moves away, making room for the next person.

"You lost, pretty lady?"

I'm startled to realize the voice is talking to me. I look down and see a  man sitting on the ground to my left; I've inadvertently wandered into  what seems to be his camp.