"Let's get off the floor darlin'," he says as he helps raise me and walks me over to the office. He sits me down on the small couch on the wall across from the desks and takes the chair that faces his desk and turns it to face me.
"'Tis a surprise to see ye here, Kelli," Pappy says a little warily. Is he upset I came? I thought he was the one who told me not to give up on Ian! I begin to draw in my breath for a combative response but my eyes fall upon a picture of Pappy and Ian that's on the wall. They have their arms around each other in front of the pub and they both look happy. The fight leaves me as quickly as it came.
"I'm surprised to be here," I say.
Pappy is still for a moment so I ask, "What did you tell them?" I nod toward the bar, meaning the crew out front.
"Not much," Pappy says. "I said that ye had moved on."
"And they just accepted that?" I was a little shocked. Those were four of the nosiest people out there, Sean not so much, and I found it hard to believe that they accepted that I had moved on with no explanation or good byes.
"Well, maybe not," Pappy was thoughtful. "But considerin' Ian slammed a glass into the floor near every time your name was mentioned, they quickly stopped askin' questions and kept their musings to themselves."
I look at Pappy then, "How has he been?" I know the struggle I've been going through, but I cannot imagine Ian is experiencing the same thing. Pappy had said Ian was falling in love with me, but I had my doubts. While it is clear I meant something to him, I couldn't see how he could possibly feel for me the way I felt for him.
"Ye saw him."
"That's not an answer, Pappy," I snap.
"He's been in hell, Kelli. Is that what ye want to hear?" Pappy is angry at me. He's such a gentle, sweet man, but when it comes to defending his son, his hackles get raised easily. "He's miserable. He won't eat, he can't sleep, and worst o' all, he thinks he deserves this hell. He thinks ‘tis only right that he be miserable."
I nod. There is nothing for me to say.
"Do ye still think he doesn't deserve love, Kelli? Do ye really still think that?" His eyes are pleading with me to change my answer from a few weeks ago.
I shake my head but remain silent. I don't know what I believe any longer. I had thought that I was coming to terms with his past, at least mentally. I truly believed I could see him and maintain a level of emotional and physical distance. The fact that I clung sobbing to his back while he tried his damdest to rid himself of me, made it very clear that was not the case.
Seeing him had made it abundantly evident that I was still madly in love with him. But had I come to terms with his past? No, I definitely had not.
And did I still believe he should be denied love? Yes. I did. And no. No, I didn't. I look at Pappy and shake my head. "Whether he deserves it or not, I do love him Pappy. I just can't be in love with him."
Pappy sighs, but nods his head. He leans forward and pats my leg. "'Tis good to see ye, Kelli dear. No matter what, ‘tis good to see ye."
I decide to leave out the back door too. I want to see the gang, I want to catch up, but I'm emotionally drained. I walk home, get into bed, and let sleep whisk me away from my reality.
******
Morning dawns brightly and I'm already awake. I grab my phone and text Ian.
I'm sorry for stopping by unexpectedly last night. I just wanted to say Happy Thanksgiving to you all.
I don't really expect a reply, so I put my phone down and get up to go to the bathroom. Before I get there, it chimes. I fly back to the bed and read his response.
It was good to see you.
Wow, um, that's an unexpected response.
I'm sorry I upset you.
You didn't upset me Kelli.
Oh, no. Really? You normally throw up in the sink?
Yeah, it is pretty standard. It is how I keep my boyish figure.
I can't help but laugh. He's cracking jokes. We are both sitting here utterly destroyed, and he's cracking jokes.
There are probably easier ways … I hear diet and exercise work well.
Overrated. My way is easier.
I smile down at the phone and the urge to see him from last night engulfs me again.
I want to see you.
There is a long pause.
Ian, I want to see you.
Why Kelli?
I miss you.
And I do. I miss him so terribly.
I don't think that's a good idea.
Please. Come over. We need to talk.
I don't think that's a good idea.
Should I drop by the bar again?
It is petty of me to threaten him like this, but I need to see him.
OK, but not your place. I'll meet you in front of Cora's in 30 minutes.
See you then.
A thrill runs through me. I jump out of bed and start the shower. It is going to take me 20 minutes to walk to Cora's, so I make quick work of washing my hair. I don't have time to dry it, so I twist it up into a bun on the top of my head and throw on a little foundation and mascara. Although I don't look as badly as Ian did last night, depression shows on my face too. My skin is sallow and my eyes seem perpetually puffy. I put some gloss on my lips and throw on a pair of jeans and a cable-knit sweater.
I walk fast and spot him when I'm more than half a block away. He's wearing his standard jeans and a dark gray hoodie. His hands are stuffed into his pockets and his head is down. He's kicking at the base of a parking meter.
I slow as I approach and try to get a handle on what I'm feeling. There are so many emotions swirling around inside of me that it is difficult to identify exactly what I'm feeling. After a moment I give up; it's too early. Instead, I try to keep it simple. Am I more happy or more sad to see him?
The answer is easy. Happy. I'm more happy than sad to see him.
He notices me approaching and stands up straight, facing me. "They aren't open yet," he says.
"That's okay," I say. "I doubt I could eat anyway."
He nods his head in agreement. "Want to walk down to the beach?"
"Sure," I say. Immediately my mind flies back to our night in Malibu. The night I realized I had fallen in love with him, even if I wasn't willing to admit it to myself at the time. The night I basically forced him to reveal himself to me. The night I made everything change.
We walk the three blocks to the beach, just south of the Santa Monica Pier. I slip off my shoes and we make our way to the shoreline. Once there we turn south and walk in silence. I know I need to start, I'm the one who wanted to see him, but I have no idea what to say.
"Actually, can we sit?" I ask. I think I need to stare out at the horizon to keep me from getting too off kilter.
Ian nods and sits down where he was standing. I sit beside him. Not too close, but not too far either. Another five minutes goes by and neither of us speak. He turns to look at me, but I can't look at him. Not yet.
"Kelli," he says.
I look at him then and see the anguish in his eyes.
"I love you, Ian," I say. He draws in a sharp breath, his eyes snapping back to the horizon. He begins blinking furiously and I wonder if he is blinking back tears. I continue, "But what you did … I can't … " I stop. Words escape me.
He looks at me again, and I can see that there are tears in his eyes. He nods his head. "What I did proves I'm a monster and you can't allow yourself to love a monster."
"I don't think you're a monster," I say impatiently, surprising myself a little. I don't? No, I guess not. When I am face to face with him, when I see the pain and shame in his eyes, it is hard to think of him as a monster. He's a man. A man who did terrible things and who is horribly wounded as a result.
He lets out a huff, indicating he doesn't believe me. "Right."
"I don't. I'm very confused and I really have no idea what to do or how I should act. But I don't think you are a monster. And I do still love you."
He looks at me again, this time the slightest glimmer of hope in his eyes. That look slays me and tears spring to my eyes.
"But I cannot be with you," I say, shaking my head. "I see you and I think of her."
Ian nods. "I never expected that we'd have a relationship, Kelli. I tried to tell you that. I can't have a relationship because when I see me, I think of her too."
I look out at the ocean, trying to blink away the tears in my eyes. "I want to come back to work."
"What?" Ian says as his head whips around to look at me.
Yeah, what? I'm as surprised as he is at the words, but they are true. I do want to return to McGregors. I want to be with Pappy and the crew. I want to be with Ian. I know I cannot ever love him the way I had once hoped. I know he cannot be my boyfriend or lover, but it is very hard being without him and I think both of us would do better if we saw each other daily.