To Love Honour and Disobey(27)

As he had hurt her.

But he ducked and grappled. His hands wide, his body big-too fast, too  strong. He caught her wild, flailing arms, his hands tightly squeezing  her wrists as he yanked them down and clamped them to her sides.

But it didn't stop her.

'You signed them. You bastard,' she screamed in his face, her body banging against his. 'You signed them.'

'Yes.'

She breathed in fire. 'Today.'

'Yes.'

'You know what you are?' She kicked. 'You know what you are, Sebastian?'

'Tell me,' he asked through clenched teeth, his hands gripping her tighter.                       
       
           



       

'Heartless. Deformed. An emotional mutant. Not even human.' She spat. 'I  don't care how much of a mess your parents made of your life, it  doesn't give you the excuse to treat people like this. To use them so  callously.' She couldn't believe him. 'How can you live with yourself?  How can you go from being so tender with me, to tearing me apart?'

'Is that what I'm doing, Ana?' His face was white with anger.

'You know you are.' She twisted against him, trying to break free.

'No, I don't.'

'Exactly my point,' she snarled. 'You have no idea how I feel-how anyone  else feels. Or what they long for. You're so bitter, Seb. And you'll  never be happy. You'll just live your life with your little flings and  never know real satisfaction. Real love.'

'Well, aren't you as bad, Ana? Aren't you as useless as I am? You can't  handle love.' He thrust her away from him. 'You can't believe that  anyone could actually love you.'

It was like a punch in the gut. And she was knocked out with the one  hit. She staggered back. Her tears falling like diamonds cutting her  eyes.

'Don't you say that to me. Don't you dare say that.'

'Why not? It's the truth.'

And maybe it was. 'Well, who is it who loves me, Seb? You?'

'Yes!'

She laughed-a high-pitched, almost hysterical sound that cracked halfway. 'Yeah, you love me so much, you're divorcing me.'

'That's right.'

She shook her head. 'Oh, that's really the action of a man in love.' She cursed him, angrily wiping the rivers from her face.

He stood a little distance away, just watching her.

Finally she quietened, turned her face away. He was blocking the door; she couldn't escape this, the final blow to her heart.

And then he spoke. Quietly, calmly, cruelly. 'That day in Gibraltar I  stood in front of that official and I lied. I said I loved you. I said  I'd care for you. That I'd be your husband for ever. But I didn't mean a  word of it.'

'I'm well aware of that,' she said tonelessly.

'So we both know that that piece of paper is rubbish, then, don't we? Not worth a thing.'

She closed her eyes, but couldn't stop another tear from falling.

'Am I right, Ana?'

Why was he tormenting her like this?

Another tear fell as she whispered, 'Yes.'

'Ana, look at me.'

She choked. 'This again, Seb?'

'Please, Ana. Look at me.'

So she did. And even through her own pain, she saw his-his rough breathing, his wide eyes, the terrible tension in his face.

'Ana, I know I have my failings. But understand this. I do love you. And  you deserve far more than a quick, crappy, insincere wedding ceremony.'  He breathed in deep, seeming to steady himself. 'After we're divorced, I  want us to marry. I want to do it properly-for us both to mean it. And I  want you to have it all. The big rock, the dress, the first dance, the  bloody cake and the flowers and frills. Everything you've dreamed of.  Everything I short-changed you on last time.'

She stared, utterly unable to believe her ears.

'Did you hear me, Ana? I want us to marry again. Properly.'

'But I don't want that,' she said, shocked. 'I don't want the bridal array.'

'Oh, be honest with me, Ana,' he shouted, finally losing it. 'I know you  want that. I saw it in your face. You glowed at Dad's wedding. You  loved it!'

She was breathing fast, suddenly sensing that what she wanted most of  all might actually be within her grasp. 'What I loved was the way you  were looking at me. It wasn't the wedding-sure that was sweet, but that  wasn't what made my day. That was you. You couldn't stop touching me,  you wanted to be near me. You made me feel beautiful.'

She looked into his eyes now, saw the sheen in them.

'You are beautiful,' he said softly. 'I love you, Ana. And I want to marry you.'

'No, you be honest, Seb.' Her voice broke. 'You don't want to be  married. You don't believe in it. I saw how stressed your dad's wedding  made you. The minute you found out about it on Mnemba you shut down.'

He stepped closer, the faintest of smiles bursting through his pallor.  'It wasn't the wedding that bothered me. It was the timing of it. It  meant we had to leave the island and I wasn't ready to end things with  you. Then that morning on Phil's sofa you were right, I didn't want to  go. But that was because I wanted to stay with you. To be with you. But I  thought you were happy with it being over. Or, heaven forbid, you were  content with being friends with me, your exlover. So, yeah, I was  angry.' He lifted a hand. 'And then I saw you checking me out when I  went to iron my shirt. And I knew I was back in with a chance.'                       
       
           



       

The faintest of smiles stretched her lips then. And he saw. Took that first step towards her.

'What do I have to do, Ana? What is it going to take for you to believe that I love you?'

She couldn't speak, couldn't move, as for the second time that day he walked nearer and nearer.

'You listen to me, Ana. And you learn to believe what I say. I love you.  You deserve to be loved. You deserve everything. And we're going to do  it. We're going to be everything and have everything together. Piece of  paper or not, I am never leaving you. Do you understand?'

'Then … ' She tried to speak but she stumbled over the words. 'Then  maybe … ' She started to sob. 'Let's not tear up that paper. Let's just  keep it.'

His arms went tight around her. 'OK. OK. Oh, thank God.'

Her face was jammed hard into his chest, but she didn't care. She could  feel him shaking. Feel the kisses he was planting on her hair as he  clutched her even closer.

'I'm sorry,' he muttered. 'I'm so sorry.'

'You don't need to divorce me to make it right, Seb. Just stay with me. Please stay with me. I love you.'

He loosened his arms enough for her to lift her face to his. They  kissed. Hard yet soft, full of passion, pressure and need. Until he  broke away with a groan.

She gazed at him. Despair still shadowed his eyes. Her heart wrenched.

'Am I enough for you, Ana? Am I always going to be enough for you?'

'What do you mean?' He was everything to her.

'You wanted our baby, didn't you?'

'Yes, but-'

'I've never wanted kids, Ana. Made that decision years ago and never  thought about it again until the day you told me you'd lost ours. For  years I watched my mother suffer. She wanted more children but it didn't  happen. Secondary infertility-no reason they could give, no remedy. It  tore marriage after marriage apart. I don't want that to happen to us.'

'Seb, the person I want is you.'

He shook his head. 'But will I be enough, Ana? Won't there come a time  when you want a family? You wanted our baby-losing it nearly destroyed  you. So what if it doesn't happen for us?'

She pushed him away just a fraction. 'I've never thought of myself  having a family either. It isn't something I've had the best experience  with-'

'I know,' he interrupted. 'But isn't there a part of you that wants to create the kind of family you missed out on?'

'OK,' she whispered, scared he read her so well. 'But that doesn't have  to be with my own children.' She looked into his eyes. 'You and I both  know there are enough kids out there needing some kind of loving home.  We could adopt or foster. I want to do something like that anyway. I  want to make some kid's life better-give him or her what I missed out  on.'

'Are you sure?'

'Of course.' Her heart burst with that need.

'Then that's what we'll do.' He cupped her face with his hands. 'I long  to see you pregnant with my child, and I hope it happens. But no matter  what, we have each other and we will make our own kind of family. Deal?'

'Deal.'

They kissed again, colliding with such force and speed they had to break  apart, coming together closer, more gently, as laughter and tears  mixed.

'Now,' he breathed when he finally lifted his head. 'Are you sure about not wanting the rock?'

She shook her head, very slowly, just the tiniest bit. Because he was  reaching into his pocket and she knew there was such a thing as paradise  on earth.

'I never did get you an engagement ring. Better late than never, though, don't you think?'

When he opened the box her smile faded in shock.

'Not your shiny bling, but the real thing.' He lifted it out and it caught the last of the day's light.

'It's beautiful.' She stared at it.

'I found it this afternoon. Looked at hundreds of rings. But as soon as I  saw it I knew. It's not a sapphire, it's a blue diamond. So it's not  what it seems, like you. It's rare, like you. Precious, like you. Vivid,  like you. And it matches your eyes. Do you like platinum? We could get  it reset if you don't. And we can get it resized if it doesn't fit.'