‘Kitty—’
‘No, please.’ She put up her hand, holding herself together with an effort. She felt so brittle that one wrong word and she might shatter. ‘Let us say nothing more now. I am sure you wish for my happiness, just as I wish for yours. If we understand that then there is no need to say anything more.’ She put up her head. ‘What a h-happy outcome after yesterday’s horrid events. I am s-sure we could not have expected anything half so good to come of it. Now, if you will excuse me, I should go.’
He stood silently, his dark head bowed as she left the room. She would not cry, she told herself over and over as she made her way to her bedchamber. There was nothing to cry about. She had made a splendid match—how could she deny Daniel the same good fortune? His family had made their money by honest toil: marriage to the sister of Lord Harworth would be a splendid alliance for him. She slipped into her bedchamber and closed the door, leaning against it, as if to keep out the world.
‘You see?’ she said to the empty room. ‘Everyone is happy.’
So why, then, did she feel as if something inside her had died?
Chapter Twelve
The succeeding days passed like a dream for Kitty. It was as if someone else inhabited her body and she was a mere spectator. She smiled and said all that was proper to the many visitors that came to Kirkleigh House, agreed with all her godmother’s suggestions for which gowns she should wear and spent hours with her smile in place, listening to Ann chatter on about her own engagement.
She had not seen Daniel since the announcement. He had left that day for Hestonroyd and had no plans to return until the ball. She could not be sorry, for without his presence she found it much easier to pretend that she was happy. And she must be happy, a letter from Mama told her it was so. The news of her engagement had been greeted in Fallridge with much rejoicing, although the invitation to Mama and Aunt Jane to travel to Kirkleigh and attend the betrothal ball was regretfully declined: Mama had not yet recovered from a bout of influenza. Kitty thought that the decision not to travel might also be due to her mother thinking that she had nothing fine enough to wear on such a grand occasion. That would all change: Lord Harworth had told Kitty he would give her an allowance to buy her clothes for the wedding, and she had already determined to send a portion of it to her mother.
‘So you see what a good thing your marriage will be,’ she told her reflection, as she prepared for the ball that evening. ‘Everyone will benefit, so you must look happy.’
She tried out a smile. The young lady smiling back at her from the mirror certainly looked well enough: Kitty’s dusky curls had been brushed until they glowed and were caught up in a bandeau of gold ribbon to match the embroidery on her white muslin gown. Emeralds glittered around her neck and from her ears, a betrothal present from Lord Harworth, purchased at the same time as the large diamond that now flashed and twinkled on her finger.
‘Are you ready, Kitty?’ Ann appeared at the door. ‘Shall we go downstairs together? Norris says that Daniel has arrived.’
With her eyes still on her reflection, Kitty saw her smile slip a little. She quickly pinned it back in place as she picked up her fan.
‘Yes, I am ready now.’
The noise and chatter from the drawing room drifted up to them as they descended the stairs. Lord Harworth had told her there were only thirty sitting down to dinner, but the idea frightened Kitty more than the thought of the hundred or so guests who would be arriving later for the ball. The first person she saw as she walked into the room was Daniel, his tall figure commanding attention. He was deep in conversation with a group of gentlemen but the flurry of movement by the door caught his eye and he looked across the room. For a moment he looked towards Kitty, his gaze fixed somewhere above her head, his face showing neither pleasure nor pain, then his eyes shifted to Ann and he smiled a little as he came forwards to greet her.
‘Well, my dear Katherine, you are looking magnificent, magnificent!’ Lord Harworth was beside her, leading her away from Ann. ‘Damn me if Blackwood wasn’t right about emeralds being the stones for you.’
‘M-Mr Blackwood suggested you buy these?’ asked Kitty, surprised.
‘Aye. He was with me in Leeds, you see, the day I bought ’em. We had been visiting one of his business acquaintances and afterwards I told him I was going to get your ring and a little something to mark our engagement. “Emeralds,” he said. “Buy her emeralds, to match her eyes.” And for Gad he was right! Come along, m’dear, there’s any number of people here you have to meet!’
Kitty accompanied him around the room, saying what was proper, smiling, always smiling, but Daniel dominated her thoughts. She wanted to look for him, she longed to hear his voice, but Bertram kept her by his side, presenting family and friends to her. Everyone wanted to congratulate the happy couple, the ladies wanted to gasp and sigh over the ring, the gentlemen winked at Lord Harworth and declared he was a lucky dog.
At dinner Kitty found herself sitting opposite Daniel. For once she was grateful for the mountains of silverware in the centre of the table. Much as she longed to look at Daniel she was afraid that thoughts she wanted to remain hidden might show in her eyes. So she kept her gaze averted, trying to concentrate upon what her neighbour was saying and to respond in kind. She had no idea what she ate, even less what was said during the protracted meal and she could only be thankful when at last they rose from the table.
Even then her ordeal was not over. Kitty stood beside Lady Harworth at the top of the stairs to receive the guests, then Bertram carried her off to dance with him. And all the time she was obliged to smile. She was grateful that Daniel did not ask her to dance: it was painful enough watching him across the room and when she saw him smile at Ann she felt sick at heart. Occasionally she was aware of Daniel’s eyes upon her, but when she looked up he would quickly glance away. It was like some bizarre ritual: they circled the room, painfully aware but always avoiding each other. And smiling. Constantly smiling.
A steady stream of partners had kept Kitty on the dance floor until late into the night but at length she had had enough and as the music ended she slipped away before her godmother or Lady Harworth could present her with another partner. She had been at Kirkleigh long enough to know the layout of the house and made her way to a small sitting room on the ground floor. It was used by the ladies of the house as a sewing parlour and, knowing it would not be occupied, she picked up one of the double candlesticks from a hall table and carried it into the room. The glow from the candles was not sufficient to light the room but it was enough for Kitty. She placed the candlestick on the mantelshelf and sat down in one of the worn armchairs beside the empty fireplace. As she clasped her hands together the diamond on her finger flashed, reminding her that she must not tarry long here or she would be missed.
A sudden flickering of the light made her look up. Daniel was standing in the doorway.
‘I saw you leave,’ he said, coming into the room and carefully closing the door behind him. ‘I wanted to be sure you are not ill.’
‘No, I am well. I needed to be quiet for a little while.’ She rubbed her aching cheeks. ‘I seem to have done nothing all evening but smile and exchange pleasantries.’
‘I know.’ He walked across the room to sit down opposite her.
She said, ‘Ann is very happy tonight.’
‘Yes.’
He sat forward, elbows resting on his knees and his hands clasped. He was so close she could have leaned over and touched him. Her knuckles gleamed white as she resisted the temptation.
‘Your betrothal was very sudden.’
‘Yes.’ She thought he would not speak again and berated herself for her remark. It was no concern of hers what he did. Exhaling, he straightened, saying slowly, ‘She came to me in the garden, the morning after you had announced your engagement to Harworth. She made it very plain that she would welcome an offer from me. I thought, why not? It would make Ann happy. You are going to marry Harworth. This way at least I shall know where you are, how you go on.’
Kitty’s hands went to her mouth. The knife that had been twisting within her all evening now cut even deeper.
‘You…you do not…love Ann.’
For the first time that evening he looked straight at her.
‘No. I love you.’
His image blurred as tears filled her eyes. She tried to blink them away. If only she had known.
You did know! the voice screamed in her head. You did know. Every act of kindness, every kiss…
‘Oh, Daniel.’ She had to breathe very carefully to keep her unhappiness under control. ‘Does it help to know that…that I love you, too? Only I did not realise it until it was too late.’
‘No, that does not help at all.’ His mouth twisted into a humourless smile. ‘I thought you had achieved your dream.’
She shook her head.
‘I realise now it was not really my dream, but my mother’s: she had such hopes for me.’
‘She is happy, then.’
She heard the bitter note in his voice and said quickly, ‘Please do not blame her; Mama’s life is very hard and she did not want that for me.’