“Two weeks back,” I say, ‘cos it was. Josh, Rach, Erin, me out in town, shopping for Courtney’s party. Like an eternity ago now. When we sat on the fountain, she came out of Boots with that bag and we’d joked but it was what we thought it was. And look at me, fatter.
So she lied. Miss Mint lied when she told me in the French room she’s not pregnant. ‘Cos here I am with an enormous great bump sticking out and a test and a few minutes to go ‘til we’re meant to swap back. If we don’t, it’s hello Miss Mint’s life for the rest of mine. And I won’t get to go and see Dad in Sri Lanka.
“I’ll go and pee now,” I say, snatching my bag up.
“You’re Marilyn Monroe!” Kai says, running to catch up.
James is now spouting about “sea of troubles.” If he only knew, I think. We edge past couples all holding hands, listening. It’s still and we go through the huge crowd quite quickly. We brush past Josh and Felix, fingers squeezing knees and so loved-up it’s a wonder I ever thought differently.
We’re out of the hall. I brush down my white satin dress and Kai and I look round the wide atrium, empty except for two people: Taff and Debono. They’re both coming in from the car park. Debono says,
“ Guys ! Hello there, Miss Mint! This young lad’s been making sure, in the headlights, we’re seen,” and she’s right: they’re both wearing fluorescent vests and as usual, Debono’s hair’s a real bird’s nest.
“That’s fantastic. Thanks, Kai,” I nod quickly at Taff, who takes in the scene, looking really quite baffled and like any teenager would.
“Are you going somewhere?”
I nod mutely. Kai says, “Miss Mint needs the bathroom.”
“Oh, so you’re the fiancé!” Debono’s so slow she’s, like, backwards, but we smile and I say,
“Got to go now, I’m sorry. I’m on stage in a sec,” and I leg it into the disabled toilet.
Kai keeps watch. I don’t think anyone’s going to fool with an ex-Olympic rower standing in school. I rip open the packet. I read the leaflet. I pull down my pants.
When it’s suitably wet, I wait for as long as I need to. I pace. Then reorder my dress and my wig and my face and I open the door and Kai looks for a trace of a clue from my frozen stiff, unseeing eyes and he looks down at my hands and then breathes in surprise,
“You’re not pregnant.”
No. I’m not. So Miss Mint didn’t lie. And there’s definitely rumblings now, in the sky and in Kai’s tummy.
There’s also a wonderful smell. Looking left, I see Mum and Martha doing well with a whole load of sandwiches, chocolate fudge cake and towers of éclairs. Mum’s started to bake again.
Thank god, I think. And also, what’s this? The first of the tasters is Mr Morlis. I watch him spring over to Mum in her/my dress that sparkles and glitters and lip read him saying, “wow. More sure is less,” and she laughs and she twirls in her/my strange attire and I think, if that’s grown up, then Mum, I aspire to be you, to be honest.
We hot-foot it back through the packed hall that’s nearly stopped hearing James Payne’s soliloquy. Kids are waking up, like flowers after rain. I pass Miss Mint. I stop. I bend down and I say,
“You’re not pregnant.”
“I know!” she whispers earnestly. “I told you the truth before. Didn’t you believe me?”
I just nod and smile. I can breathe again. Must be the wind that’s blown in through the windows. James Payne opines that,
“... conscience doth make cowards of us all,”
I slip up up to the platform and stand just as tall as I can in my Marilyn dress and short hair.
There’s a crack in the sky. The rain pours down on Fairmere. I look at Kai and he looks at me, and we look at the clock that reads just gone three, then I look for the chair Miss Mint’s been sitting in.
She’s not there.
She’s on stage.
And there’s laughing. Kids rattle and roll with the thunder: Miss Mint dressed as Marilyn Monroe! That’s so cool! And they love it. And it dawns on me that I love it too. I love it more as Lisi than I would have as her. As Phoebe I mean.
‘Cos my teacher’s on stage and I’m watching Miss Mint, singing Diamonds Are a Girl’s Best Friend .
I’m not sure I agree. But it’s her now, not me. Which is how it should be, to be honest.