There’s cheering and stamping. A very brief pause as the school waits for what might be first up to see.
Mr Morlis bids, “hush now. I have to concede that I wasn’t sure about bare bums in the street ...” and I smile as he waits for a second long beat, “but the girls in year 10 have convinced me. They’re here,” and he has to wait then for an almighty cheer, “The Bear Bums!”
The three girls, Courtney, Miss Mint and Rach are spot lit. The music begins and the first note is a hit with the entire school, ‘cos they all love Rihanna. But it’s the routine that blows them away.
“Oh my god,” Kai has crept up behind me. I jump. ‘Cos with Taff’s shape and size the enormous big lump in his trouser’s not quite what I want to be feeling before I go on.
Kai turns eyes to the ceiling. “Have you seen outside? There’s a storm coming close,” and we both fantasise for a minute, apart but together, ‘bout how if we swapped back there’d be no need for lies ‘cos we’re true with each other now. True, in disguise.
The dance ends. I watch Mum’s dress flash and whirl as she claps and claps for her fifteen year old girl and her friends. Next, she pulls out her phone, jabs it, then she’s away through the fire exit doors. Country Kitchen’s my bet. Martha’s known for being easier to deal with over the phone.
“A surprise still to come,” Mr Morlis booms out front, “but now ... a little light entertainment.”
The next thing I know, Ricky Moore’s walking out, with Olly Goddard dressed as two weird cub scouts. They do a strange comedy turn they’ve been hiding from everyone: Olly’s highlight is Red Riding Hood to Ricky’s grandmother. Then it’s unfunny improv. Instead of another loud ‘boo’ I gesture to Mr Morlis to cut short the act. It’s a shame ‘cos it means that what Ricky’s routine lacked mine has to make up for.
It’s half past two now. Half an hour to go ‘til three o’clock: the time that Miss Mint’s and my worlds were rocked by the crazy phenomenon that is our life swap.
I’ve got my wig, dress and my microphone. I’m about to step out when there’s a massive groan from the audience. Erin’s fallen off her chair. A space clears. There’s gasping. Courtney shouts, “it’s just air that she needs! Make a space!” and the sea of kids part. There’s a pounding and bounding in my lungs, chest, heart. I spy Alicia’s blue roses. Should I carry on anyway? Mr Morlis, across the stage frowns, shakes his head.
“We’ll do Shakespeare instead,” he mouths out to me. “She’s just fainted.”
Looking out ‘cross the crowds, Erin’s painted with shame. Her mum sprints across but Joe’s quicker. The same look I witnessed on Harry is there and he escorts her out. He’s determined to stare out her mother, who drops away and lets them go. Erin’s hair’s short, that’s true but Joe kisses her crown as he carries her through the hall and sets her down oh, so tenderly.
Mr Morlis is mouthing at someone, “Yes, yes, on with the show!” and I’m not sure whose figure it is takes to the stage but there’s whistling and shouting. A bit like a cage fighter’s just walked on up to continue his reign. I can’t believe it. James Payne. Dressed as Hamlet.
He waits for the clapping to end and then takes centre stage.
“My dear friend Mr Morlis, who gave me a great start in life and Miss Mint, where are you? They both ended my poor parents’ strife, ‘cos they told me it’s ok to dream and be me and, well, here I am. Hamlet. Out on the big screen in the summer next year. I’m sure you’ll all go.” And there’s nodding and chuckling and screaming and even the din-los look awe-struck.
I look at Kai standing behind, and he looks back at me and there’s some kind of binding agreement as James Payne commands the whole school to shut eyes, take a breath and “think Shakespeare’s cool. ‘Cos he is, to be honest.”
Then he starts. There’s a bit of rain drumming on the roof, which sounds good ‘cos it adds to the drama of what I know now from Miss Mint and a bit from year 8 is the Great Soliloquy.
“To be, or not to be ...” he’s off. I see some yawning but not much; not much. ‘Cos he’s such a great speaker.
“To pee, or not to pee ...” Kai whispers and I crack up. Yes, I do, then I stop, all confused. ‘Cos I haven’t done that pregnancy test. I look backwards. There’s hurt and confusion in Kai’s eyes. He wants answers and I’m under no illusions. “Found the test in the bathroom last night. Miss Mint must have bought it a while ago,” he says and then waits.