But of course he could. Zander might be on life support, but he was, in effect, already dead. It was happening, whether they wanted it to or not.
‘So what happens now?’ Flo fought down the expanding panic in her chest. ‘Do you turn off the life support?’
‘Not just yet. The tests have to be repeated.’ The doctor, who was in his fifties, with steel-grey hair and heavy jowls, paused for a moment, then said, ‘And we also need to discuss another matter with you . . . I don’t know if you were aware of how Alexander felt about organ donation . . .’
‘What? Is that why you’re so keen to switch off the machine? Oh no you don’t,’ said Lena. ‘No, no, you’re not having his organs. He’s not donating anything to anyone.’
‘Lena, I know how you—’
‘No way.’ Lena was shaking her head, vehement. ‘Not happening. NO NO NO.’
‘He would want to,’ said Flo. ‘We talked about it a few weeks ago. He carries a donor card in his wallet.’
‘I DON’T CARE,’ bellowed Lena. ‘I’m not letting them do it. I don’t want them cutting him up.’
‘OK, let’s leave this for now. It’s fine, don’t worry, we’re not going to do anything you don’t agree with,’ said the doctor. ‘That’s a promise.’
Lena had the look in her eye of a cornered wild animal. ‘It had better be.’
‘This can’t be happening.’ Shaking her head, Lena pushed the mug of tea away.
It was midnight, and they were back in Zander’s flat. Friends and colleagues from his place of work had been contacted and informed of what was going on. Understandably, they were shocked and horrified; something like this was everyone’s worst nightmare.
Flo was exhausted but determined not to give up yet. ‘I know. But listen to me.’ She kept her voice gentle. ‘If you needed a kidney and the doctors said they had one for you, would you take it? Or say no?’
‘Don’t start that again.’
‘Lena, I have to, because there isn’t much time. It’s what Zander would want to happen. Refusing to let them take his organs isn’t going to save him. And I know it helps the families who give their consent. They’re always so glad, afterwards, that they let it happen, because it means that something good came out of . . . something bad. Just knowing that other people have been helped . . . well, it does make them feel better.’
Tears slid down Lena’s thin white face and she made no effort to wipe them away. ‘I don’t care about other people.’
‘I know, I know. But in years to come it’ll make you feel better, that’s what I’m saying. For now, the organs get used or they don’t get used. Either way, it won’t change what’s going to happen to Zander.’ Flo’s voice caught in her throat at the thought of it. ‘He’s still going to die.’
‘Stop it.’ Lena shook her head like a child in denial.
‘And if his organs aren’t used, it’s just such a waste.’
‘I don’t want his organs to be used,’ sobbed Lena. ‘I don’t want Zander to die. I can’t bear this.’
‘I know, I know. Look, I’m going now.’ Getting to her feet, Flo hesitated. But today had been the most unimaginably awful day of both their lives. At the front door, she turned and gave Lena a hug.
To begin with, Lena stiffened and leaned back; it was like putting your arms around a clothes airer. Then, with a huge gulping sob, she clung tightly to Flo and buried her face in her shoulder. For several seconds they stood together and held each other, both weeping for the man they loved.
After a while, Lena mumbled something unintelligible and Flo had to say, ‘What?’
‘The accident. It was my fault.’ Utterly bereft, Lena choked out, ‘If I hadn’t phoned him, none of this would have h-h-happened.’
‘Sshh, don’t even think that.’
The tears were flowing faster. ‘But everything would be all right if it wasn’t for me!’
‘Listen, you can’t blame yourself. I didn’t want him to get out of bed and pick you up,’ said Flo. ‘Don’t you think I wish I’d tried harder to stop him? Of course I do! But does that mean it’s my fault?’
Helplessly, Lena shook her head. ‘N-no . . .’
‘There you go then. And it wasn’t your fault either. It just happened.’ Her own heart breaking, Flo wiped away the tears sliding down Lena’s face; she wasn’t sure if she believed what she was saying, but she knew she had to say it. ‘That’s why it’s called an accident.’