“It helps me that you see things from a different perspective,” she replied. “Our sharing a love for God gives me a solid place to stand even when I’m not sure about the rest of . . . well, you and me. I’m confident about what you think about God and how your life revolves around your faith. It’s . . . reassuring,” she decided, looking for the right word.
“It is. We’re good for each other, Evie.” He let the silence return.
Evie wasn’t sure if or where to take the conversation further. This relationship had begun to dig deep into both their lives, and it was obvious in what they were willing to risk in discussions. She wanted to match Rob in candor, but she didn’t have things clear enough in her own mind yet to know how she wanted to reply.
“Shall I mention that I see where you struggle too?” Rob finally asked gently. “You’re not confident in yourself, Evie, and I don’t understand it, but it’s a constant in you and doesn’t seem to go away. It’s not so much a weakness as it is a vulnerable place. I can see its effects. It’s what creates that internal pressure to be worth the trust someone has placed in you. The task force, doing a good job—it’s not just to impress the governor, your boss, those working with you, but to reassure yourself you’re good enough to be on that task force. That sense of not being good enough is something I’d love to see fade away one day.”
Evie knew he had nailed that one. “You do see me pretty clearly.” She shifted away and fully turned toward him on the couch, grateful the conversation was honest but not putting her in tears. She loved that his smile was kind as he looked at her.
“I see a good life for us together if you want that, Evie. I’d like to marry you and build a home with you, a family. You can be a cop and have a life with me—goodness knows they need a good detective around here. I don’t mind the interruptions your job brings. My job interrupts life too. So long as we both can step away from work to be a couple, a family, it can be a good life.” He reached over and feathered his fingers through her hair and, after a moment of silence, said quietly, his smile a bit sad, “And still you hesitate to know how to answer.”
She understood that sadness and gave him back as much honesty as she could. “Rob, you see the threads of you and I twined together and making it work, and I just . . . maybe it’s that lack of confidence showing itself in another way. I feel the peace when I’m with you. I love how you laugh at my jokes, tolerate my distracted mind when work is still capturing my attention, and that you enjoy life with me. The fact I’m not in a cop’s world with you, and you’re not going to bring up a crime or lay something similarly heavy on me—that is life to me.
“I’m never going to understand the deals, the money, with the significance you feel. I care for you more than any man I’ve ever met. But I look at us together and figure I’m not pulling my weight. I’m not being the one you need. You’d do better with a wife who can relate to your world, can socialize with your partners, charm your potential clients, be an asset to your life. I can try, but people are going to sense that I don’t fit in. Your world is a game of skill, moving money and people and things around, and I appreciate that you’re gifted to do it well. Yet it really just seems like a game to me, not life and death, and no one is going to bleed when the day is done. And that reaction in me . . . well, it doesn’t feel right. You deserve better than that.”
He was starting to smile, so she hurried to add, “You need a wife who wants the ‘stuff,’ at least enough to appreciate what it is. I’m more puzzled and lost when it comes to material things. I enjoy a couch that’s comfortable, a home that’s spacious, and the security that’s reliable. I love being part of your comfortable life, but I wouldn’t put in the effort it takes to build that for myself. I’d rather go solve something that mattered to me. And that’s what bothers me. What you do does matter. But then I come into your world with its true pressures and headaches, and I’m thinking, It’s just stuff. What’s the big deal? That’s the last thing you need a wife to be thinking about when you’ve poured everything you’ve got into creating a comfortable life.”
His smile broadened and turned into a chuckle. “If only you realized what you’re saying, Evie. Do you really think I didn’t understand that about you the first day we met? You’re always going to think, ‘What’s the big deal? So you lost some money, go earn some more. So you lost the deal, there will be more.’ It’s actually one of the core things I love about you. You honestly don’t care about the outcome because there’s a world out there where if my deals work out or not, if I earn a bonus or not, the world spins on regardless. It really doesn’t matter. It’s a kind of vanity and striving after the wind. I like that you’re always going to ground me to the truth that my world is just not that big a deal in the larger picture of life and death, sorrows and problems I can’t even imagine.