She didn’t share my humor, so I stopped laughing. Nothing about this topic was really that funny anyway, I just preferred laughter to hard conversations. Her face straight, she told me, “I’ll understand. I won’t like it, any more than you probably like me with Denny…but I’ll understand. Just don’t hide it. Don’t sneak around on me. We shouldn’t have secrets…”
I was dumbstruck for a second. She was giving me permission to sleep around, so long as she knew about it. I found it difficult to wrap my head around that one. Would she really be okay with me having sex with someone else? I was sure that she cared about me, a lot, but maybe it wasn’t as much as I’d thought. I mean, if she wasn’t affected by the idea…But maybe it did bother her as much as it bothered me, just like she’d said, but she was going to allow it to happen anyway, because we could never be a couple. There would always be a Denny-sized wall between us, and she didn’t want to deny me intimate contact…because she was in love with me. She had to be in love with me.
I felt full of sadness as I nodded at her. I wish it were you that I could date.
“So, where do you go?” she asked.
I smiled, welcoming the change of subject. “Where do I go? Well, it depends. Sometimes it’s Matt and Griffin’s place, sometimes it’s Evan’s. Sometimes I drink myself into oblivion on Sam’s doorstep.” I had to laugh at that one. Sam was still mad at me for throwing up on his roses.
“Oh…” She seemed genuinely surprised that my answer was so simple. She must have thought some very nasty thoughts about what I’d been doing. And, at one point in my life, she would have been right. I would have forgotten my problems by flitting from bed to bed. But ever since she had entered the picture, things had changed. I’d changed. And random sex with strangers wasn’t as satisfying as it had once been. It wasn’t even appealing anymore.
Reaching up, she stroked my cheek. The contact sent a thrill straight through me. Why did I need sex when just her touch did that to me? “Where did you go after our first time? I didn’t see you all day, all night. And you came home…”
Shit-faced? Well, I was wandering the city, dreaming up ways to tell you how much I love you, then I came home to hear you screwing my best friend. That’s what happened.
Not able to say any of that, I stood up and held out my hand. “Come on. I’ll give you a ride to Pete’s.”
She took my hand and let me help her up. She wasn’t about to let the conversation die though. “Kellan, you can tell me, I won’t…”
I made myself smile, even though I didn’t feel it. I did not want to talk about this. There was no point. I’d been hoping for a future back then, when we’d made love the first time, but that was a fantasy. I knew the reality, and I physically couldn’t talk to her about this. I couldn’t get the words past my lips. I could barely do it when she was incoherent. Having her stare at me, completely alert, was too much. It was too hard.
“You don’t want to be late,” I told her. Take the hint, this topic is closed. She pursed her lips, annoyed. She hadn’t wanted secrets between us, but there was going to be at least one. Until I was able, until I was positive that saying the words wouldn’t put me in an early grave, I would protect myself the only way I could, the only way I knew how. I’d stay silent and keep my feelings to myself.
Boasting her independence, Kiera told me, “You don’t have to give me a ride everywhere, you know.” When I gave her a playful smirk, she pouted. “I managed just fine without you.” I didn’t let her see, but her words sent a chill through me. I know you did.
I stayed with Kiera at the bar instead of heading to Evan’s for practice. I was sure Matt would be irritated when I didn’t show up, which would only make him angry at me again. But maybe not. He was probably really hungover. Maybe he wanted a night off. I thought about calling him and finding out for sure, but I was afraid he’d tell me to get my butt over there. And I didn’t want to be there. I wanted to be here, laughing with Kiera and teaching her how to play pool. Sort of.
Griffin and Evan came in while I had Kiera bent over the pool table, helping her line up her shot, even though I had no idea what I was doing. I felt a little strange about having the guys see me in that position with her, but I acted like it was no big deal. Two friends playing a friendly game. Nothing to see here. Smiling, Griffin immediately grabbed a stick and started chalking up the tip, like he was playing the winner. Kiera and I were tied…we each still had most of our balls on the table. Pool just wasn’t my game. Kiera’s either. She was the first person I’d ever played who was just as bad as me. It was refreshing to actually have a chance for once.