Thoughtful(93)

My throat closed up on me and I couldn’t say any more. I was a little surprised I’d even gotten that much out. Speaking my feelings was difficult. Even when I was saying it at a nearly inaudible level, even knowing that she couldn’t hear me because she was fast asleep didn’t make it any easier. Judging by how hard that was, I was beginning to think that I was incapable of ever telling her how much I cared. I’d just have to show her, and hope that she could correctly interpret my actions.

I held her for an eternity while she napped. Then my arm started falling asleep, and I knew I needed to move. We had time before Denny was due home, so I didn’t want to wake her yet. I shifted my position as carefully as I could. Flexing my hand, I tried to regain blood flow. The brief movement was too much though, and Kiera stirred in my arms. “Sorry…I didn’t mean to wake you,” I murmured when it was clear she was awake.

She startled at my words and sat bolt upright. Staring at the front door, she whispered, “Denny.” She seemed terrified as she glanced down at me.

Sitting up, I hooked some loose strands of hair around her ear. “You weren’t asleep long. It’s still early. He won’t be home for an hour or so.” Hurt that our moment was over, that Denny was occupying her thoughts again, I looked away. I understood her reaction though. I didn’t want Denny to see this either. He wouldn’t understand. I barely did. “I wouldn’t let him…” I met her eyes again. “I won’t let him see this, if you don’t want him to.” But if you do want to be with me, openly, we could come clean to him.

She shook her head no, and even though I nodded at her, a slice of pain ran across my heart. No, she didn’t want to be with me. No more than the brief, “innocent” connections we had. I knew that. It was stupid to assume she wanted more just because I did.

Kiera seemed a little overwhelmed by the intense way I was staring at her. I didn’t mean to make her uncomfortable, I just couldn’t turn away from the sight of her. She blurted out a question, like it had just come to her. “Where did you go when you used to disappear? When you didn’t come home all night?” She settled down beside me, and we sat side by side. Remembering all the times I’d run away from her, hiding, I smiled, but didn’t answer. She took my silence to mean something scandalous. “If you were…if you are seeing someone, you should just tell me.”

I cocked my head to the side, surprised by her assumption. “Is that what you think? That when I’m not with you, I’m with a woman?” I suppose that would explain some of her frosty attitude toward me, if she thought I was stepping out on her all the time. Not that we were together or anything…

Kiera cringed. She knew she had no right to feel jealous, since she was the one who was actually seeing someone. “You’re not with me; you have every right…to date.”

She’d grabbed my hand while she’d said that, and I stroked her fingers. “I know.” But what woman on this earth could give me what you give me? There is no one else for me. “Would it bother you if I was seeing someone?” I asked, insanely curious whether she would have the same reaction I did when it came to her and Denny.

Clearly not wanting to answer, she turned her head and swallowed. Surprisingly, she did answer me though. “Yes,” she whispered.

With a sigh, I stared at the floor. So we were both going to be miserable with certain aspects of each other’s lives then. Great. What did I do with that information? I didn’t want to hurt her, far from it; I wanted to love her. But what she was saying was that I would be largely alone as long as we were “together.” I would sleep alone while she slept with Denny, never be able to show her affection in public, and never be able to tell the world that I cared about her. And I would never have sex with her while we were in our pseudo-relationship. I didn’t want it with anyone else, but it made me feel really lonely to think of being celibate for the rest of my life. Could I live like that? What choice did I have?

“What?” Kiera tentatively asked.

Putting an arm around her waist, I rubbed her back. “Nothing.” Don’t worry about me. I can do this…

She melted into my side. “I’m not being fair, am I? I’m with Denny. You and I are…just friends. I can’t ask you to never…”

She again cut herself off before saying the word, and a small laugh escaped me. The word “friends” hurt though, and I suddenly wished this painful conversation were over. “Well, we could solve this little problem if you relaxed your rules.” Even though I was somewhat serious, I gave her a playful grin. “Especially that first one.” Let me make love to you again…