It looked like it took some effort on her part, but she shook her head. “No…Kellan.”
Hearing that word from her returned a small amount of reason to me. Closing my eyes, I pushed her away. I needed space if I was going to let this pass through me. If I even could. I was so ready for her, my unyielding denims were a little uncomfortable. I focused on the slight pain in my groin instead of the massive amount of pleasure. “I’m sorry. Just give me a minute…”
I felt Kiera move away from me, and I pulled my legs up and locked my elbows around them. I took three calming breaths while I thought about things that were in no way sexy: war, disease…my parents. When I felt more in control—no longer feeling like I needed to throw her on the floor and take her—I opened my eyes. She was intently watching me with a worried expression on her face.
Trying to ease her concern, I smiled. “Sorry…I am trying. But, maybe next time, you could not…uh, make those noises?”
Not realizing she’d been mimicking sex with her groans of pleasure, she blushed bright red and looked away. It was enchanting, and I had to chuckle at her reaction. God, what was I going to do with this woman?
Sometimes I really wasn’t sure, but as long as I could be around her, touch her, feel connected with her, I could handle anything. Even her having sex with another man.
“Will it bother you if Denny and I sleep together?”
Kiera and I were fully engaged in our morning routine—sharing a cuddle while we waited for the coffee to finish brewing. Denny was upstairs, sleeping. Kiera had her arms around my neck and was looking up at me with an expression of regret, pain, and curiosity. Her question cut right to the quick. I really wasn’t sure how I felt about them being together. I was certain they had been—Denny had been home for over a month—but I hadn’t seen or heard anything since that one time, so it was easy enough for me to pretend it wasn’t happening. The thought of them being together churned my stomach. It was making me feel ill right now, with her safely in my arms.
Not really wanting to answer her painful question, I smiled and said, “You sleep with him every night.”
My jackass response earned me a poke in the ribs. “You know what I mean,” she whispered, her cheeks turning a delightful shade of pink.
Being blunt, I rephrased her question. She really needed to get comfortable talking about sex, especially given our…complicated relationship. “Will it bother me if you have sex with your boyfriend?”
The rose color on her face deepened as she nodded. I kept my smile plastered to my face, but didn’t say anything else. How could I? What could I possibly tell her? Yes, I love you with all of my heart, so the thought of you being with him…when I can’t…kills me.
Raising her eyebrow, she gave me a gotcha smile as she said, “Just answer the question.”
I laughed that she’d turned my words against me. Looking away, I sighed and decided to be honest. Somewhat. “Yes, yes it will bother me…but I understand.” I looked back at her, my heart in my eyes. “You’re not mine.” But I’m yours…
Her eyes moistened as she stared at me. I wasn’t sure what she was feeling, but it seemed to be difficult for her. She started to pull away from me, and I clutched at her. I didn’t want her to go. “Just a minute…” she whispered.
Recognizing the words I’d used when I’d been too riled up to be near her, I released her. “I’m fine, Kiera.” You don’t need to pull away from me.
She met my eyes and she looked sad. I hated to see her sad. “I need a minute, Kellan.”
That surprised me. She was worked up enough to want to attack me? Because she felt guilty. It hurt that she felt that way, and at the same time, it warmed me. She wanted me.
We prepared our coffees in silence, then leaned against opposite counters as we sipped them. All the while I wondered what the hell I was doing with her. I should end this before Denny got hurt. But then her voice surged through my brain—Stay. Don’t leave me. Please—and I knew I couldn’t let go. She couldn’t release him, I couldn’t release her. We were all fucked.
I begged Kiera to let me walk to her class, and this time she conceded. I had a feeling it was because she still felt guilty over this morning, but I’d take her pity if it meant I got to spend a little more time with her.
Walking with her felt just like old times, and I savored every second. We talked about inconsequential things—her life, her parents—and I held her hand the entire way. It was bliss. After dropping her off, I went home and sat down to work. My phone rang while I was struggling to come up with a lyric that wasn’t sunshine and happiness. The song I was working on was dark, but Kiera filled me with light, and all I felt at the moment was amazing.