Kiera let go. Her face confused, she said my name with a clear question. “Kellan…?”
I needed to get away from her. I sat up on the couch. “Excuse me.” My voice was rough and hard, but at least I still managed to be polite. I wouldn’t be if she kept approaching me with such indifference, like none of this bothered her at all.
She grabbed my arm before I could stand up. Fire burned through me. Stop touching me. “Wait…Talk to me, please.”
I narrowed my eyes at her. Get your fucking hands off me, leave me alone. Quit pretending you care. I see right through you. You don’t. “There is nothing to say.” Nothing that mattered, anyway. I had plenty of things to say. Shaking my head before I snapped, I bit out, “I have to go.” Brushing her hand away, I finally stood up.
“Go?” she said from the couch. She sounded confused and dejected. Was this really so incomprehensible to her? I’m in love with you. You gave yourself to me, then ran right back to him. You. Killed. Me.
Leaving the room, I told her, “I have to get my car.” I have a life without you. You’re not my entire world. You’re just the part I loved the most…
I dashed up to my room, slamming the door behind me. I leaned against the cold wood, shutting my eyes. Goddammit. Why couldn’t she see how much she’d hurt me? Why couldn’t she see that I loved her? Why couldn’t she love me back? Tell Denny to leave, Kiera…Stay with me. Choose me. That was never going to happen though. I had a better shot of getting my parents to return from their graves and apologize for the decades of abuse and neglect. That would probably hurt a lot less too.
I took my time getting ready. When I figured Griffin was just about here, I trudged downstairs to get my coat. I almost wished there was a secret door that would let me escape unnoticed. I really didn’t feel like another odd, painful confrontation with Kiera. Luck wasn’t with me though.
“Kellan…”
There was something in her voice that made me look over at her in the living room. Sadness, panic, I wasn’t sure. She stood up and walked over to me. I wanted to sigh. I wanted to beg her to let me go, tell her that all she was doing was hurting me, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t resist her, so I let her approach me, even though I knew I was going to get hurt by whatever it was she felt she had to say to me.
She started blushing, like she was embarrassed, and dropped her gaze to the floor. I frowned at her expression. She generally only looked that way when she felt stupid or silly. Is that how she felt around me now? I was heartbroken, and she was mortified? What was she going to say now? I really had no idea.
Not meeting my gaze, she mumbled, “I really am sorry about your parents.”
She peeked up at me and I relaxed. She was still worried about that? It was nothing. Water under the bridge. They were assholes, but they were gone. The end. But my parents were something not many people talked to me about. She was still trying to get to know me, trying to understand me, trying to delve deeper. Why? You already had me, Kiera; what more do you want?
Softly, I told her, “It’s okay, Kiera.” I’d give you everything, if you’d only take it.
We stared at each other for long, silent seconds. I wished things were different. I wished our time together had been different. I wished I meant more to her. I wished she loved me, like I loved her. I wished my heart didn’t pound when I stared into her eyes. I wished my lips didn’t ache to press against her skin. But wishing didn’t change anything.
After another second of silence, Kiera leaned up and kissed my cheek. It burned so much, I felt like she’d struck me. I looked away as waves of pain nearly brought me to my knees. Jesus…please let the torture stop.
Turning from her, I headed out the door. I needed space. And the ability to shut off my memories. That one tiny display of affection was rewinding every moment Kiera and I had had together. Holding each other, laughing, making her blush, making her happy, making her moan. It was all too much. I pinched the bridge of my nose as I felt a headache building. If I could forget, like she had apparently forgotten, then I wouldn’t be in pain anymore.
Griffin pulled up, and I walked around to the passenger’s side to get in. I glanced up at the house and spotted Kiera watching me from the window. Why was she watching me? Why did she keep approaching me? Why couldn’t she leave me alone? Why couldn’t I forget about her?
Shaking away my thoughts, I got in the car. I needed to do something before this grief consumed me.
Anger seemed my best option. When I was ticked at her, it didn’t hurt as much. And being angry with her was something I was good at. It didn’t take much to stoke the embers in my belly into full-on flames. I would push her away when we were alone together. Make her keep her distance, since she shouldn’t be near me anyway. Then I’d stay as far away from her as I was able to. Anger and avoidance. That was how I’d survive this.