Thoughtful(41)

In a soft voice, I made myself tell him, “Evan, it’s not like that. I wouldn’t…” Wouldn’t what? Betray Denny? Make a play for Kiera? Hadn’t I already, just by allowing today’s events to happen? Feeling guilty and wanting out of this conversation, I gave Evan the response I knew he wanted to hear. “Don’t worry. Yeah, maybe I’ll drop in later.”

By the smile on his face, I could tell he was satisfied with my answer and he fully expected to see me tonight. “All right, see ya.”

He closed the door and I let out a long, cleansing exhale. I didn’t like what Evan was thinking, but I could understand why he was thinking it. I hadn’t always cared about other people’s relationships. Since every relationship was temporary anyway, there usually wasn’t a reason to let that little tidbit get in the way. But Denny and Kiera were different; they were supposed to be together. I needed to back off and just be Kiera’s friend, because she really needed one right now.

My mind spun and battled while I drove us home. I wanted her friendship, I wanted her arms around me, and I wanted her and Denny to stay together and be obscenely happy. The three desires weren’t compatible, even I knew that, and I also knew that if the physical side of Kiera’s and my relationship continued, it could lead to more. If left unchecked, it might lead to sex, and that would destroy everything, for all three of us. Unless I was strong enough to not let it go that far. Then, maybe I could have the closeness, the connection that I’d had today, but Denny and Kiera could still be a strong couple. Maybe. But it would require a lot of willpower, and ignoring my urges was not something I’d ever been much good at.

When we pulled into the driveway, I shut the car off and looked down at Kiera sleeping on me. She seemed so comfortable, so content. I wanted to stroke her hair, cup her cheek, kiss her forehead. A surging desire was building in me to put both my arms around her and hold her tight. To tell her how much she meant to me, that no one saw me the way she did, no one cared for me the way she did. To tell her I cared about her in a way that sometimes scared the crap out of me. She was comfort and pain, wrapped up in one beautiful package…that wasn’t mine.

I couldn’t say any of that though, so I simply stared at her and thanked whatever fates there were for bringing her into my life.

After a moment, she yawned, stretched, and lifted her head from my shoulder. It was nice to look into her eyes again, but an ache was already shooting through me with the loss of her touch.

“Hey, sleepy,” I whispered, resisting the urge to pull her in close again. “I was beginning to think I’d have to carry you.” I was hoping I would get to carry you.

The imagery seemed to embarrass her. Her eyes were dark in the minimal light, and they flicked away from me as she apologized. “Oh…sorry.”

I laughed as I pictured her cheeks flaming red. So endearing. “It’s all right. I wouldn’t have minded.” I actually would have loved it. “Did you have fun?”

A wide smile broke over her face. “Yes, a lot. Thank you for inviting me.”

The genuine sincerity in her eyes, in her voice was almost too much to bear. You would think I had done something spectacular from the way she was looking at me with such adoration. But I hadn’t done anything. Once again, she was the one who had lifted me up. That was the best afternoon I’d had in…years. “You’re welcome.”

“Sorry you had to hang back with me and miss all the moshing.”

She laughed as she said it, and I shared in her mirth as I looked back at her. “Don’t be. I’d rather hold a beautiful girl than be all bruised tomorrow.” Oops. I probably shouldn’t have said that. It probably wasn’t appropriate for me to call her beautiful, but…she was, and she should know it. Besides, today had been a day full of inappropriateness. What was one more incident?

Thrown off by my praise, Kiera looked down. Not wanting her to feel awkward or uncomfortable around me, I changed the subject. “Well, come on. I’ll get you inside.”

I turned toward my door to open it. In the edge of my vision, I saw her shaking her head. “No, you don’t have to do that. I can manage. You can go on to Pete’s.”

My head snapped around at her comment. How did she know about that? She’d been sleeping when Evan and I had been talking…right? If she hadn’t, if she’d heard Evan’s comment and my weak-ass attempt to defend myself, she might think…well, she might think I was just some sleazy guy who was trying to get in her pants, like Evan had implied. I wasn’t though. I just wanted…I just wanted to be near her. That was all. I wanted a connection with her. Sex was the last thing I wanted.