More tears flowed down her cheeks, and I carefully stroked them away. She looked like she might lose it at any second. I hated that we were piling this on her now, when she was still weak and recovering, but it had to happen, and sooner was better than later. “You knew he was going to break up with me today?” she asked.
I nodded. “I knew he was going to do it soon. When you woke up and he looked at me…I figured he wanted to do it as soon as possible.” The weight of what needed to be done crushed me, and I looked away. “Rip off the Band-Aid…” I murmured. Do it now. Then walk away. It will only sting for a second.
No. It won’t. This sting will last for the rest of my life.
I stared at the ground as I willed myself to let her go. Denny was right. It was harder than I imagined. I had to though. This limbo wasn’t good for us. When I noticed Kiera’s hand reaching out for me, I forced the words from my lips. “What are your plans now, Kiera?”
Her hand dropped as she stuttered for an answer. “My plans? I don’t…I don’t know. School…work…” You.
She didn’t say that last option out loud, but I heard it plain as day. He left me, so I guess I’ll stay with you. Since you’ll always be here waiting for me.
Not this time, Kiera.
Heat was in my eyes when I returned my gaze to hers. If I could hold in the anger, I could hold back the pain. “And me? Do we just pick up where we left off? Before you left me…again…for him?”
Kiera’s eyes fluttered closed. “Kellan…”
Tears stung my eyes as despair battered against my crumbling wall of rage; I couldn’t keep holding it back. “I can’t do this anymore, Kiera.”
She opened her eyes, and I could see the agony in them, but I couldn’t stop now. Rip off the Band-Aid. “I was going to let you walk away that night. I told you I’d let you go, if that was what you wanted, and when you said…” I closed my eyes with a sigh. “After that, I couldn’t even find it in me to lie to Denny when he found us.” Reopening my eyes, I focused on our hands. “I knew he’d attack me when he heard the truth…but I couldn’t fight him back. I’d hurt him so badly, I couldn’t find it in me to hurt him physically. What we did to him…He’s the nicest guy I’ve ever known, the closest thing to real family I’ve ever had, and we turned him into my…”
I closed my eyes as the memory of my father merged with my image of Denny when he was attacking me. I’d done that. I’d made him snap. I’d created a monster. “I think a part of me wanted him to hurt me…” I lifted my eyes to Kiera’s. “Because of you, because you always chose him. You never really wanted me, and you’re all I’ve ever…” I’d do anything for you. Why won’t you do the same?
Looking away, I swallowed a lump in my throat. “So…now that he’s left you, now that the choice isn’t yours, do I get you?” The heat returned to my voice as I pulled my anger around me like a shield. “Am I your consolation prize?” Is that all I’ve ever been?
Her mouth dropped open like she was shocked I’d come to that conclusion. What other conclusion have you left me, Kiera? She opened and shut her mouth, but no words came out. Truth was hard to argue with. “That’s what I thought.”
Releasing some of the anger, since it was pointless to hold on to it, I let out a long sigh. “Kiera…I wish…” I wish we’d run away when we’d had the chance. I wish Denny had never returned from Tucson. I wish you’d come out here without him, and I’d fallen in love with you in an honest way, with no regret, no guilt…no pain.
Knowing wishes were just as pointless as anger, I shifted what I’d been about to say. “I’ve decided to stay in Seattle. You wouldn’t believe how much crap Evan gave me for almost leaving the band.” I searched her face as I recalled Evan’s disbelief and his odd-sounding words. You’re irreplaceable. My gaze stopped on Kiera’s wounds, and I felt like I was in a daze as I studied her. “I never even thought about my band in this whole mess. I hurt them when they figured out I was planning on ditching town.” I hadn’t spoken to the others yet, but I could easily picture Matt’s shock and Griffin’s disgust. I was such an idiot. And it was time to be smart.
I exhaled in preparation. “I’m sorry,” I whispered. Leaning down, I placed a soft kiss on her lips, then trailed kisses across her cheek to the soft spot below her ear. I cherished the taste of her, the smell of her, the sound of her. This was probably the last time I’d be close to her. It was quite possibly the last time I would ever see her. The thought filled me with pain, dread, and a hollow ache that burned my insides. What will I do without her?