Thoughtful(147)

The desire to hold her overcame me, and I took a step. But then I stopped myself. If I caved now, if I touched her, we’d go back to that cycle of pain that had brought us to this point in the first place. No, I needed to keep the space between us. I needed to go upstairs and leave her. No good would come out of prolonging this agony.

I turned around to leave her, but stopped at the door. “Good night, Kiera,” I whispered, then I left before she could respond. There was nothing to say anyway. As quickly as I could, I rejoined the two girls waiting for me in my room, and I made a promise to myself that I would not cry out Kiera’s name. Not out loud anyway.





Chapter 24





Bring On the Pain




My days, afternoons, nights, and sometimes early mornings were a blur of random women. Even for me, I was exceedingly active. I was trying to stop thinking about Kiera, but she was all I ever thought about. Whenever I was with a girl, my mind drifted to her. I made love to her over and over and over again, with dozens of different bodies, but the scenario never changed in my mind.

Kiera was the one running her hands over me. Kiera was the one placing light kisses over my body. It was Kiera’s mouth I was pressing against, and Kiera’s tongue I was brushing with mine. And it was Kiera begging me to take her.

While my Kiera mirages were growing steadier, the real Kiera was growing icier. Every time I saw her after one of my dates, her glare practically seared my skin off. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say she’d figured out that I was making love to her on my many dates. But there was no way she could know that; I was careful to never make a peep when I was “pretending.” I couldn’t risk exposing my true thoughts, which was why I didn’t tell anyone what was going on. No one would understand.

My friends all sensed something was off though, and asked questions I didn’t want to answer. I always brushed off their concern and expertly changed the subject. Surprising me, Denny even asked about the tension in the house. Well, he indirectly asked. One night, when Kiera was at work, he stopped me as I was about to head out to the bar. “Kellan, wait.”

Adjusting my jacket, I looked back at him. He seemed uncomfortable, and I felt anxiety slipping into my calm façade. Did he know something? Scratching his head, he said, “First off, I’m cool with whatever you do here. It’s your place.”

I narrowed my eyes, wondering what he was getting at. He sighed and avoided looking at my face. “It’s just…noisier around here than it used to be and…Kiera asked if I would…I told her it wasn’t my place to say anything, and that you could do whatever you wanted with whomever you…” Stopping, he put his hands up. “You know what, I’m just going to shut up right now. It’s your home, mate. You can do whatever you want. We just both really appreciate that you’re letting us crash here. So, thank you. It means a lot to us.” With a smile on his lips, he clapped my shoulder, then turned and walked away.

All I could do was stare after him, shocked. Kiera had asked him to…what? Talk to me about my dating habits? I knew she was being frosty, but was she really so angry with me that she’d pull Denny into this? Because she had no right to be upset. None at all.

I tried broaching the subject with her a few days later.

I gave her a polite, friendly greeting when she showed up in the kitchen for her morning coffee. She completely ignored me. “Kiera?” Still ignoring me, she grabbed a coffee cup and started pouring a mug. Well, I guess we were returning to the realm of immaturity, where we both handled things badly. “Are you…mad at me?” God, she was cute when she was being stubborn.

With a glare, she told me, “No.”

“Good, because you shouldn’t be.” I’m doing this for you. To make it easier for you to let go of your…infatuation, which is all I am to you.

“Well, I’m not…” Her response was in a snotty tone of voice that really got under my skin. “Why shouldn’t I be?”

Did she really not get this? Did she not remember how volatile things had become between us? How awful? Did I need to call her a whore again for her to recall why us being apart was a good thing? “We both ended things, when it started getting…out of hand.” Severely out of hand.

“I know that. I was there.” Her voice was pure ice. Regardless of what she said, she was mad at me. For what? For living? For moving on? How could she blame me for that?

“I’m only doing what you asked. You wanted to know if I was seeing someone.” You didn’t want me, so I found something else to take away the pain. But now you want to take that too, don’t you?