After a few more moments of making out, the blonde shot to her feet. “I love this song!” she exclaimed, holding her hand out for me. My other date slid off my lap to sit where the blonde had been, and I stood up. I liked this song too, and dancing sounded like fun. A good precursor to my evening with Kiera…the way we danced together was unbelievable.
Reminiscing about dirty dancing with Kiera, I moved behind the blonde. She was grinding against my hips as I moved against her. Kiera…I love the way we move together. Feeling playful, I leaned down to her ear and said, “I like the way your body moves. I like the way you feel against me. I bet you’d feel even better naked.”
She moaned and sagged against me. Pleased with her reaction, I glanced up into the kitchen. My heart nearly stopped. The real Kiera was home, and she was watching me with narrowed eyes. Grief washed through me. My two dates, who I was so eager to turn into multiple versions of Kiera, were nothing like her. I’d hand them over in an instant to walk into that kitchen and take her hand. But I couldn’t. My fantasies, although they paled in comparison, were all I had left.
I forced myself to smile at Kiera, my roommate, and then gave her a brief nod of acknowledgment. Then I ignored her. I had to. The other girl came up behind me, turning me into a Kellan sandwich, and I let myself get lost in them. This was my distraction, the only thing that took the pain away, and I had to take it. Knowing Kiera was watching, I leaned back and gave the dark-haired girl a kiss. Kiera had to get used to this, just like I did.
The girls and I danced for several songs. People started leaving, and I made sure to say goodbye to each of them, but my main focus was my dates…and ignoring where Kiera was. She was just the person I lived with. I had to accept that.
Our dancing trio eventually moved back to the couch, and eventually picked up heat. As more people left the house, the three of us got friendlier. At one point, their wandering lips turned toward each other. I took that as a sign that we were all ready for this to happen. Just when I was thinking of moving this private party upstairs, I happened to catch sight of Kiera dragging Denny away. She looked pissed, or hurt. Was this too much for her? Because this was what I was, and how I coped, and…it was all I had right now. I didn’t want to hurt her, but I needed this release.
While my dates made out with each other, I pulled my gaze away from where Kiera had disappeared. I needed to focus on this, not worry about her. The blonde broke away from the other girl and returned to me. I kissed her eagerly, but in my mind, I was touching Kiera.
With forced playfulness, I led the girls upstairs and into my room. The dark-haired girl stripped off my shirt while the blonde ran her fingers down my back. “Damn, you’re hot,” she said.
The other girl heartily agreed. She unbuttoned my jeans and palmed me as she growled, “I can’t wait to have you in me.”
The blonde giggled, then added, “I can’t wait to have you lick me. All over. I’ll be your dessert.”
The dark-haired girl looked over to her friend. “Great idea!” She returned her eyes to mine. “Do you have any whipped cream?”
I wanted to sigh, but I smiled instead. “Yeah. I’ll be right back.”
It was hard to picture Kiera with the way they talked, and it was difficult with two of them, but I was sure I could do it. I could clear my mind and feel a moment of connection with the love of my life…even if it was a fake one. Closing my door behind me, I tiptoed down the stairs and into the kitchen. Someone was still in there. Kiera. Her head was down and her back was to me; she appeared to be crying. She wasn’t okay.
“Kiera?”
I saw her shoulders slump. She hadn’t wanted me to find her like this. “What, Kellan?”
“Are you okay?” I asked, already knowing the answer.
She spun around to face me, then she stopped and stared. Her eyes glistened as she swallowed a lump in her throat. “What are you doing down here?” she asked, anger in her voice. “Shouldn’t you be…entertaining?”
Feeling stupid, I pointed at the fridge, then opened it and found the can of whipped cream. “The girls wanted…” It was obvious what they wanted, so I left it at that. Kiera looked mortified by my actions, and I supposed they were horrifying from her perspective. I should explain myself, but how? The truth was too much for me to say; a lie…too little.
With a loud exhale, Kiera rolled her eyes and looked away. Then she closed them, and I could tell she was fighting back tears born from multiple confusing, conflicting emotions. “Kiera…” Her name came out like a caress, and I had to pause to collect myself. When she looked at me, I continued. “This is who I am. Before you got here…this is me.” Once upon a time this was me, but I’m different now…because I love you…but it does no good to tell you that, so I won’t. I pointed upstairs to Denny, the man she should be with. “That, that is you. This is how it’s supposed to be…”