Fantasy Is Better Than Nothing
My vision was hazy, the lights in the room too bright, but through the disorientation, I saw my father standing beside the bed. His mouth was twisted in displeasure, like it usually was. “Wake up, lazy ass. We’re not raising you to be slothful.”
I looked to the window and it was still pitch-black outside. The sun wasn’t even up yet. “It’s barely morning…” I mumbled.
My dad shook his head. “You were supposed to be up an hour ago, starting your chores, but look at you, wasting away the day…pathetic,” he told me in a condescending voice that I knew all too well.
Beside him, my mother was watching me with impassive eyes. “Why do you make everything so difficult, Kellan? We don’t expect very much from you, but you still never fail to let us down.” Her lip twisted with disappointment. I was all too familiar with that too.
My father sighed and I swung my eyes back to him. “I’ve already accepted that you won’t ever amount to much in life, but did you honestly think you’d be good enough for her, Kellan?”
I woke up with a start, panting, my heart racing. I scanned my room, trying to understand where I was, what was happening. I had a headache, a stomachache, and a sore throat. For a confused second, I thought my parents really were in my room with me, belittling me. I even looked around for them. But then I remembered last night, remembered the rain, remembered yelling at Kiera, remembered crying in her arms. I closed my eyes as the grief swept over me. Damn it. For once, I wished my nightmare was the reality, and my reality was the dream.
I’d called Kiera a whore. I’d considered screwing her in my car, whether she’d wanted it or not. God. I felt like I was going to throw up. My parents were right. I could never have her, because I didn’t deserve her.
I was still dressed in the clothes I’d been wearing last night, and Kiera was gone. I wasn’t too surprised about that. It wasn’t as if she could stay and comfort me all night. My boots were still on, and my bed was filthy. I felt filthy, but I didn’t want to change. Not yet. I needed to talk to Kiera. I needed to apologize for last night. I needed to clear the air between us, tell her the truth about her sister, beg for her forgiveness.
You’re not good enough for her…
No, I supposed I wouldn’t ever be good enough for her, but I could at least stop hurting her. I could end this. I could let her go. What happened last night would never happen again. I wouldn’t let it.
By the time I got my bereaved body out of bed, Kiera was already in the kitchen. Like she usually was when we had coffee, she was still dressed in her pajamas. She looked worn; last night had been hard for her too.
I stopped in the doorway, and Kiera looked me over with questioning eyes, like she wasn’t sure how I’d treat her this morning. I didn’t blame her for not knowing. She’d once teasingly called me moody, and on more than one occasion I’d proven her right. When it came to her, I was moody. This was just so difficult…Why did I have to love her so much?
With a heavy sigh, I joined her at the coffeepot. I needed to get this over with before I changed my mind. I held my hands up, showing her I was unarmed, physically and emotionally. “Truce?”
“Truce,” she agreed, nodding.
Leaning back against the counter, I tucked my hands behind me. I didn’t want to be tempted to touch her. I couldn’t meet her eyes, and I stared at the floor. “Thank you…for staying with me last night.”
“Kellan—”
She started to interrupt me, but I didn’t let her. “I shouldn’t have said what I did; that’s not who you are. I’m sorry if I scared you. I was so angry, but I wouldn’t ever hurt you, Kiera…not intentionally.” Finding strength in my admission, I raised my eyes to hers. “I was way out of line. I never should have put you in that position. You’re not…You are in no way a…a whore.” I looked away when I said that last part. God, I was a dick for calling her that.
“Kellan—”
Needing to finish my thought before all my courage left me, I cut her off again. “I never would have…I wouldn’t ever force you, Kiera. That’s not…I’m not…” I stopped my nonsensical jabbering and stared at the floor. Why did words fail me when I needed them the most?
Kiera’s soft voice filled the emptiness between us. “I know you wouldn’t.” She was quiet a second, then she added, “I’m sorry. You were right. I…I led you on.” Grabbing my cheek, she made me look at her. “I’m sorry for all of it, Kellan.”