Thoughtful(114)

Evan came over to the couch while I stretched out. “It’s pretty late. We ended up closing Pete’s.” He crooked a smile at me. “You missed Griffin getting shot down by a hot blonde. It was…amazing.” He laughed, then pointed to a notebook on the couch beside me. Yes, I’d brought props into my lie. “You finish what you were working on?”

Grabbing the notebook, I curled my fingers around it. “Yeah, almost.”

“Can I read it?” Evan seemed genuinely curious about a potential new song to start putting together, but I hadn’t written down anything.

With a frown, I lifted the notebook, but didn’t ease my grip on it. “It’s nowhere near ready. Soon though. I promise.”

Evan only nodded at my answer. He respected my process enough to not badger me about it. I appreciated that, and felt even guiltier. I’d have to scrap together a song soon so I wouldn’t be a complete and total liar.

Running a hand through my hair, I let out another yawn. “I’m beat. I better go home and get to bed.”

Clapping me on the shoulder, Evan let out a yawn as well. “Yeah, me too. Laughing my ass off was tiring.” He shook his head and started chuckling. “You should have been there, man. You missed out.”

Even though I didn’t feel like it, I made myself smile. “Yeah, sounds like I did.” I felt like I’d missed out on a lot of things. “Night, Evan.”

“Night.”

I took my time heading home. I stopped to get gas and picked up some groceries at a twenty-four-hour store. I even debated going back to that diner in Olympia. I didn’t though. Eventually, I sucked it up and went back home. Kiera and Denny were asleep when I got there. Not wanting to wake anyone, and being careful to avoid the couple of spots that always creaked, I put away my things and then tiptoed up the stairs. I couldn’t make sense of my life anymore. What seemed up was down, what seemed right was wrong. When did the world get so confusing? Or had it always been this way, and I was only now catching up?

Sleep was difficult. I kept seeing Kiera repeating over and over, “I’m attracted to you…but I feel nothing…” Then my father would appear. He’d laugh at me, then say, “I told you she was too good for you.”

I woke up after only a few hours and decided to get up. Having Kiera and my father reject me wasn’t exactly restful. I’d rather be tired.

When Kiera entered the kitchen, I was already at the table, sipping my coffee. She seemed relieved to see me, and guilty too. I wondered what exactly she felt guilty about—leading me on, or telling me the truth. Then I decided it didn’t matter. What was done was done. I’d never expected this to last anyway.

I watched her as she sat down across from me. She seemed nervous, like she wasn’t sure how I’d react to her. I didn’t blame her for feeling unsure. I’d been all over the place with her. Way up, and way down. Right now…I was just numb.

“Hey,” she whispered.

“Hey,” I said back. I set down my coffee cup, and an ache filled me to touch her. I just wanted to hold her fingers, stroke them. It had only been a day since she’d ended things, but I already missed her.

Neither one of us spoke again and tension filled the room. It was like we were both suffering from the stress of restraint. Or maybe I was just hoping that it was killing her not to touch me. Maybe she was fine, and I was the only one struggling. She seemed stressed though.

Suddenly, she blurted out, “My sister is coming in tomorrow. Denny and I are going to pick her up from the airport in the morning.”

I blinked, then nodded. I’d almost forgotten about her sister’s visit. “Oh…right.” Not wanting anyone to be inconvenienced by my presence, I told her, “I can crash at Matt’s. She can stay in my room.” Then you won’t have to feel guilty when you look at me.

“No…you don’t have to do that. It’s not necessary.” She paused, and her eyes grew heavy with sadness. “Kellan, I hate how we left things.”

I couldn’t keep watching her eyes, so I shifted my gaze to the table. “Yeah…me too.”

“I don’t want this…weirdness…between us. Can we…can we still be friends? Truly, just friends?”

Dark humor on my lips, I looked up at her then. “Are you really giving me the ‘let’s be friends’ speech?”

She grinned, and my heart ached a little. She was so beautiful, and so out of reach. “Yeah…I guess I am.”

Could I be friends with her again? What did that entail anyway? Weren’t we friends before she’d pulled the plug on us? No, we were never really friends. We were always slightly above that. And now, any sort of friendship was buried so far in our past, there was no way to retrieve it. I couldn’t be her friend when she was my entire world, it would hurt too much, but…what choice did I have? I’d take anything she’d give me. Anything. Even this.