Kiera leaned over and kissed my tear away. Her warmth seared me to the core. I need you…so much. As she pulled away, I turned toward her mouth. I didn’t mean to; it was an instinct driven by pure need. I need the pain to end…this is the only way I know how to end it.
Our lips brushed together, but neither one of us moved. Afraid to move, afraid to break this connection that was second by second depleting my grief, I held my breath. I wasn’t sure how long we sat that way, our lips pressed together, Kiera’s hands on my cheeks, but eventually I needed air. I needed to breathe, and she was the best thing I could think to inhale. Surely she’d fill the void in my chest better than oxygen ever could.
I opened my lips to suck in air…and Kiera kissed me.
Her lips moved against mine, and the tears nearly returned to my eyes…it felt so good. I returned her kiss immediately, and we softly moved against each other. I couldn’t believe she was letting me do this, and by the way she was trembling, I thought she couldn’t believe it either. The movement was warm, tender, full of depth and meaning, but it stoked a fire within me, and it wasn’t long before I wanted more…so much more. I wanted to feel her all over, kiss her all over, love her all over. I wanted all of her.
Grabbing her neck, I pulled her in for a deeper kiss. Our tongues brushed together and she groaned, then pushed me away. I instantly realized my error. I’d let it happen again, broken her rule about how close we could and couldn’t get. She was going to freak out on me, leave me. She’d be gone. I’d be alone. I couldn’t handle that, especially right now, when I still felt so vulnerable.
“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. I thought you’d changed your mind.” Please don’t change your mind. Please don’t go.
Kiera’s face was a mixture of confusion, guilt, sadness, and desire. “No…that was my fault. I’m sorry, Kellan. This isn’t working.”
All of my fears were wrapped up in that one sentence. She couldn’t end this. I didn’t know what I’d do without her. Leaning forward, I grabbed her arm. “No, please. I’ll do better, I’ll be stronger. Please don’t end this. Please don’t leave me…” Don’t ever leave me. I love you. I can’t live without you.
Kiera bit her lip, clearly troubled by my passionate plea. “Kellan…”
I couldn’t lose her. “Please,” I begged, searching her face for some sign of hope. Don’t leave me.
A tear ran down her cheek and she choked on her words. “This isn’t fair. This isn’t fair to Denny. This isn’t fair to you.” Her voice trembled. “I’m being cruel to you.”
Sitting up on my knees, I grabbed both of her hands. “No…no you’re not. You’re giving me more than…Just don’t stop this.” Please…I’ve never had anything even close to this. I love you so much. Don’t go…
She was dumbfounded by my response. “What is this to you, Kellan?”
I looked down. I couldn’t tell her. I didn’t know what she’d do if she knew the truth. If she knew what she really meant to me, she’d run away. She’d definitely end this. I needed to bring back the carefree, casual playfulness that we’d had before. I just didn’t know how to do that at the moment. “Please,” I murmured, hoping it would be enough.
She let out a sigh heavy with disquiet. “Okay…okay, Kellan.”
I looked up at her, relieved. I’d get to keep her. At least for today, I’d get to keep her.
The week continued on peacefully after the park incident. Kiera and I didn’t talk about it again, and I was grateful for that. We also didn’t talk about how things were surely and slowly escalating between us. I was torn on that problem. I wanted us to go back to friendship; I wanted us to steamroll right into a sexual relationship. I wanted both sides of the coin with her—passion and companionship. But she already had a partner on the flip side of her coin. A partner who was growing increasingly aware of his girlfriend’s distracted attitude.
I was in the kitchen with Denny one morning, finishing my coffee while Kiera was upstairs taking a shower. Denny glanced up at the ceiling, then back down at me. “I can’t wait anymore. I have to go…Will you tell Kiera goodbye for me?”
I froze with my mug to my lips. Denny looked sad, and wary, and…worn. I instantly felt a tidal wave of guilt building in my chest. Setting my cup on the table, I nodded. “Sure, no problem.”
He nodded in return, his eyes distant. “She used to always walk me out, no matter what was going on between us. I know I’ve been working a lot, but…it’s like she’s not even trying anymore, like she doesn’t care that we’re drifting…” he muttered, clearly talking to himself. I clenched my jaw as Denny’s comment cut right to the quick. Yes, Denny’s unyielding commitment to his subpar job was a kink in their relationship, but I was pretty sure I was the real reason Kiera wasn’t as attentive as she used to be. I was causing him pain by taking away a part of the person he loved the most. I hated myself for that. He didn’t deserve any of this, but I was incapable of changing anything; I needed her too much.