Losing myself, I leaned over and kissed her, but just the very corner of her lips. I was shocked at myself for making a move that was clearly going too far, but Kiera was surprised too, and she didn’t push me away. I left my head there, breathing softly on her warm skin, and she did nothing. Nothing but hold her breath and continue to stroke my cheek.
As her thumb brushed my skin, subconsciously urging me onward, my resolve weakened. I wanted her so much. I needed her so much. I lowered my lips to her jaw and placed a light kiss there, then a light kiss under her jaw. She still did nothing, and she tasted so sweet…I needed more. My hands ducked under the covers and slid up to her waist, pulling her into me. My breath grew heavier, and with a soft groan, I trailed kisses down her throat. Yes. More.
My fingers clenched and unclenched around her hip. I wanted to rip the covers off, rip her clothes off, remove all the barriers between us. Breaths coming fast and shallow now, I pulled my lips away from her skin and rested my forehead against hers. I wanted her mouth on mine.
“Kiera…” I need you. Kiss me…or stop me.
I stared down at her, willing her to kiss me, praying that she didn’t. Would another taste drive me mad? She wasn’t saying anything, but her expression was a mixture of conflicting desires.
There was a connection between us, something beyond just physical attraction…I was sure of it. I saw the way she cared about me in her shy smile, felt it in the casual way she laid her head on my shoulder when she was tired, heard it in her laugh during the brief carefree moments when neither one of us felt guilty about what we were doing. Kiera was struggling under the weight of maintaining the barrier between friend and lover. She was torn, same as me, but I couldn’t stop myself anymore…
As my lips started lowering toward hers, her fingers on my cheek shifted over to cover my mouth, feebly trying to stop me. Groaning, loving the feeling of her skin against mine, I ignored her gentle rejection and closed my eyes. She didn’t move her fingers or try to stop me from kissing her, so I pressed my lips against hers, even though her hand was still between us. Pretending her hand wasn’t separating our lips, I kissed her fingers. Kissing them wasn’t enough though, and I started pulling her fingers away from my lips.
“I want to feel you…”
When her top lip was exposed, I pressed mine against it. Kiera acted as if I’d dumped ice water down her back. With a sharp inhale, she shoved me away and scrambled out of bed. That was when I truly realized what I’d just done, and what it might have cost me. Kiera didn’t want this with me; she’d said so a hundred times.
Out of breath and feeling panicked, I quickly sat up. “Kiera, I’m so sorry. I won’t…” I swallowed a few times, trying to calm down. Please don’t tell me this is over.
Kiera was struggling to breathe normally as she stared at me with wide eyes. “No, Kellan…this was a really bad idea. I’m going to go to my room. Alone.”
She pointed at me, and I felt like her finger was a dagger in my heart. No, don’t leave me. I struggled to move my body. I felt like my hands and feet had turned to lead. “Wait…I’m fine, just give me a minute. It will pass…” Please don’t go.
She put both arms up to stop me. “No…please stay here. I can’t…I can’t do this. That was too close, Kellan. This is too hard.” She backed up to the door.
No…please don’t say goodbye. I’ll be good. “Wait, Kiera…I’ll do better. Don’t…don’t end this…”
She paused as she took in my stricken face. I felt like my world was shattering as my utopia crumbled around me. I was an idiot for thinking tonight would be anything other than a gigantic mistake. I should let her go, I just couldn’t.
Her expression softened as sympathy washed through her. “I need to be alone tonight. We’ll talk tomorrow, okay?”
I couldn’t speak anymore, so I nodded and watched her leave. Like me, she was going to be alone tonight. Her torment would end tomorrow though, while mine would continue. But at least I’d had a moment of pure peace with her. Even though my heart was cracking and I was terrified she’d change her mind and stop this thing we were doing, I would hold on to the feeling of holding her in my arms. I’d hold on to it forever.
I love you, Kiera. And I’m sorry.
Chapter 18
I’m Not Yours
Much to my surprise, Kiera didn’t end things the next morning. Exhausted from a sleepless night of thinking about her, and about what she might say to me after the incident on my bed, I’d gone to her room as early as I’d felt I could. As painful as the prospect of losing her was, I needed to know if she was going to kick me to the curb or give me another chance. When she only gave me a brief reprimand, telling me to not take it that far again, a surge of relief washed through me. Right or wrong, she didn’t want to end this yet either.