Thought I Knew You(97)

I drove away, haunted by doubt. I felt selfish, choosing my happiness over Hannah’s and Leah’s best interests. What if Greg and I could be happy again, the new Greg, a secret-free Greg? What if I was making a choice that would scar them forever? Could I push the anger out? Counsel it away? Or would it always be there, a long-ago applied Band-Aid over a gaping wound? I had no idea.

By the time I pulled into my driveway, I was consumed with my thoughts, unsure of my choices, of my emotions. When I walked into the house, Drew sat in the living room, reading a book. A glass of wine stood on the coffee table, waiting for me.

I watched him for a second. His brow was creased in concentration, his foot gently tapping to some inner rhythm. When he looked up and met my eyes, he smiled broadly, and my breath caught. He patted the cushion next to him, and as I sat, his arm went around me.

He kissed my head and, without waiting for me to say a word, said, “Tell me.”

I knew then that he understood my doubt. Because he knew me and always had. As I rested against him, telling him my fears and confusion, I realized neither loving Greg nor loving Drew had ever been a choice.





Epilogue


1 year later


There have always been two men in my life. This has not changed. We’ve all somewhat adapted to our new patchwork family.

Greg has a new job; he went back to teaching. His short-term memory was too spotty to go back to giving lectures, but he found a position as an aide at a rehabilitation center, working with people like him. Some suffer from traumatic brain injuries; some have lifelong disabilities. He’s moving out of the group home and into his own apartment at the end of the month. This is no small accomplishment, and I’ve spent a lot of time organizing a surprise party in his honor. He’s developed an enormous support system; the guest list has over seventy people. New Greg draws people in, and the list of people he calls friends is longer than the list of people I know.

Sarah is flying in for the party; even she has formed a new friendship with Greg. They joke and tease each other with the familiarity of siblings, and I’m always grateful for the quickness of his smile, the ease of his laugh, the lightness in the air when she’s in the room. She finally decided to say yes to poor Owen, so in May, we’re all going out to California for her wedding, like the big, disjointed family we’ve become.

Drew and Greg have forged a somewhat tenuous friendship, partly out of necessity, but partly out of mutual respect. Drew has found it in his heart to take care of not only our family, but Greg as well. On occasion, he has even driven Greg to doctor’s appointments.



Drew and I sold the house and found an old farmhouse on the other side of Clinton. The new place was falling apart and needed more work than I would have liked. But Drew insisted he could fix it, even though he’s never fixed more than a leaky faucet in his life. The house is a constant project, but sometimes it’s a welcome distraction.

Our fixer-upper also gives Greg something to do. Somehow, in his sleep, he became adept at fixing things, when before he somewhat floundered with a hammer in his hand. I think it’s a result of his newfound patience and willingness to learn, more than any real acquired knowledge. He shows up unannounced on any day of the week, tinkers with this or that, tacks up a shutter, replaces a ceiling fan, repairs a squeaky board. His therapist says it’s great for him, and Drew pretends he doesn’t mind.

Leah and Hannah seem to have come through the ordeal, not unaffected, but at least unscathed. They are happy to have their daddy back in their lives. Greg frequently comes over to spend time with them. They hike in the woods behind our house, and ironically, Greg, previously so stoic, has become Hannah’s confidant. He now relates to her on a level I can’t compete with, and I find myself jealous when she comes home from school, upset or sad, and takes the phone into her room to whisper behind a closed door. Hannah still attends dance class, and the evening fights between her and Leah have stopped.

The girls have never appeared to be resentful of Drew, but I’m not so foolish to believe they won’t as teenagers. Drew is careful to love them without trying to replace Greg, and for big decisions, he defers to their father.

We have dinner together as an extended family on alternating Sundays. Generally, those gatherings are loud, raucous affairs. Deep down, I’m sure Drew wishes to have one family event without Greg’s presence, but you’d never outwardly know it. He is kind and friendly toward my ex in a way I could never have been had I been in his shoes. It’s on these Sundays when my heart overflows with love for Drew.



Drew and I have not married. We will someday. We would like to have a baby of our own, but I can’t in good conscience do that to Greg, not yet. I see Greg watching me when he thinks no one is looking, and sometimes it is with such open longing, it hurts my heart and twists my insides. It seems my role in life has not changed, but all the players have moved around me. My feelings for Greg are mixed. I sometimes remember Greg as he was, strong and sure, but for the Greg he is now, I have a parental, fiercely protective love.