Thought I Knew You(83)

Friday afternoon, I waited at the bus stop with clammy hands and a racing heart. When Hannah got off the bus, Leah ran to her, and we began our daily walk home. Once inside the front door, Hannah threw her backpack down and ran for the couch, wanting her half-hour of television to wind down from the day.

I sat next to her and pulled Leah to my lap. “Girls, I need to talk to you. No TV today, okay, Hannah?”

She sat up straighter and eyed me warily.

“Remember how the policemen were looking for Daddy?”

They both nodded solemnly. Hannah’s face changed, and I knew at that moment that she knew what I was going to say. She looked at once terrified and excited.

“They found him, honey.” I spoke to Hannah directly, as I knew it would have the greater impact on her.

She shook her head, her mouth open in a silent O.



“Hannah, sweetheart, Daddy is alive, and we’re going to see him tomorrow.”

Leah bounded up from my lap and shrieked with joy. Being only two when he had disappeared, she had few memories of Greg and none of the heartache that followed his disappearance. To Leah, getting to see her daddy was simply joyful news. She had a daddy again! Someone to take her to the kindergarten Daddy-Daughter dance next year!

Hannah’s eyes were mistrustful, sullen, and cautious. Hannah guarded her joy, always, as though someone could easily snatch it away. “Where is he?” she asked.

“He’s in Canada. Do you know where that is?”

She shook her head. “But why hasn’t he come home?”

I had been weighing a response for that question that would be both truthful and age appropriate. “Daddy was sick, honey. He was in a hospital, and they didn’t know who he was, so they couldn’t call us. He was sleeping for a year, and that’s why he didn’t come home.” I pulled her against me. She resisted, but eventually fell against my side. We sat like that for a few minutes, and I let her digest the news.

When she sat up and looked at me, tears were streaming down her cheeks.

“I’m happy, Mommy. I’m just scared. What if he disappears again?” And there was the crux of all things Hannah feared. What if any of us left her? She bore a permanent scar, a never-abating fear of abandonment.

I hugged her fiercely and kissed the top of her head. “Oh, Hannah, we never know how long people will be in our lives. I hate that you have to worry about this, and you’re only six years old. But the best we can do is love people as much as we can while we’re together.” I had no idea if that was the right thing to say.

Leah had wandered into the corner and was reading books, already losing interest in the conversation. Her four-year-old mind couldn’t absorb the impact of my words. Leah would be fine, though. She welcomed change and challenge in a way that Hannah never did. I marveled at their differences—one reticent and wary, the other so tough, seeming to bravely confront life in every way. My lion and my lamb. I retrieved a globe from the playroom and I showed them Canada.



“Why is Daddy in Canada?” Hannah asked.

Good question. “I don’t know exactly, Hannah.” Then, I decided to tell her a small lie. “He went there for work, but made a mistake and told me the wrong place before he left. So I didn’t know he was there.”

“Will he come home and live here now? With you and me and Hannah and Drew?” Leah asked, and I almost laughed at the image. If it weren’t such a good question, I would have.

“I don’t know what will happen, Leah. We’ll have to see. Daddy is going to be in Canada for a while, but we’ll visit him every weekend.”

“And then he’ll live here?” Hannah pressed.

I sighed. “We’ll see, Hannah. We’ll see.”





The ride to Toronto felt significantly shorter than the one a week ago. Drew’s hand rested lightly on my knee, physically connecting what emotionally divided us. I drove faster than I should have, nervously tapping the steering wheel.

I tried to talk to the girls on the way about Greg. “You guys should know that Daddy was really sick. And he doesn’t look the same, okay? He feels a lot better now, so don’t be worried, but he looks skinnier.”

Hannah regarded me distrustfully. What are you hiding? she seemed to ask. Leah hummed and looked out the window, clutching Uglydoll and bouncing her feet. Drew remained silent next to me, an extra in the movie of our life. I caught his eye every so often, and he would wink or smile, making me think for the millionth time how lucky I was to have him. I could never give this up. I won’t do it. First things first. Get through today. Tomorrow I can worry about the rest of my life. My kids were about to see their father for the first time in two years.