“Are you going to take me home today?” he asked.
Dr. Goodman answered, “Greg, you still need therapy six to eight hours a day. You can’t go home yet. I’m sorry.”
“Greg, tell me how you remembered,” I said. Dr. Goodman had said that talking about remembering would help him remember more. He’d had no one to spoon-feed him memories, which were just foundations for more memories, so in his situation, it was a wonder he ever remembered anything at all.
“I had a card that had your name on it.”
I nodded, encouraging him.
“I stared at it, trying to figure out why that card meant so much to me. And then I remembered you. What you looked like. You were playing in the leaves with a little girl who had blond hair in a ponytail and wore a blue coat.”
“Hannah had a blue coat, light blue. It’s Leah’s now.”
“Who’s Leah?” he asked. He looked at Dr. Goodman, who jumped in again to explain that Leah was his daughter, the child I was pregnant with in his memory.
I tried not to scream. Instead, I said, “Tell me more.”
“And then I just knew. I knew you were Claire, and I was Greg. It took me a few hours, but then I remembered the little girl was Hannah. And Cody, our dog! How’s Cody?”
“Cody ran away. Actually the same day you… disappeared. Do you remember your accident?” I asked cautiously.
“No. I don’t remember anything. The last thing I remember is you being pregnant, I think, because I don’t remember the baby.”
“Leah,” I said, forcefully.
“Right. Leah.” He smiled innocently. “I’m glad you came, Claire.”
“I’m glad I came, too, Greg,” I lied.
That night, I paced my hotel room. I couldn’t relax. I was so incredibly tired, but I could not stop thinking. I called Drew, both dreading and desperately needing the call.
“Are you okay?” he asked immediately.
“Yes and… no.” I didn’t know how to answer the question, how to convey my emotions. I needed to hear his voice. I wished he was next to me. Then, I felt guilty. Drew is not your husband. How and when should I tell Greg that he’s not my husband any longer either? I sobbed then, the tears coming for the first time in torrents, soaking the sleeve of my hand holding the phone. My nose ran, and I let out a loud, blubbery cry like one of Leah’s. Oh, Leah, how will you deal with this when I can’t? After a few minutes, my crying subsided.
“Do you want me to come there?” Drew asked hesitantly.
I shook my head, but then realized he couldn’t see me. “No, please don’t come here. I don’t know what to do, how this is going to work.” I meant Greg, but I realized Drew would think I meant him. I was too tired to explain. All I could do was tell Drew the truth. “I love you. Don’t worry about that, okay?” Guilt sneaked back in, but I quelled it. Loving Drew was the one thing I was sure of, guilt or no.
“I love you, too, Claire. Of course I worry, especially right now, but I don’t want you to think about that, okay?”
We fell silent then, so much to say, to ask, the weight of words between us.
“Did you see Greg?” he finally asked.
I pictured Greg, small and childlike looking out the window, his back toward the door. Then I remembered the expression on his face when he turned. “Yes, I saw him. It’s definitely Greg. I… I don’t know what I thought. I guess I thought I’d come here, and it would be a mistake, that it wouldn’t be him.” I thought of Greg’s first words to me: I’m glad you came. I wasn’t sure you would. “Drew…” I had to get off the phone, but I owed Drew some kind of explanation. One I didn’t have. “I don’t want you to worry. I love you. That’s the only thing I know right now. But I have to go. I have to sleep.”
“Of course. I love you, too. Call me tomorrow.”
We hung up, and I lay down in the bed, fully clothed. Sleep would not come. I replayed every minute of the meeting with Greg, a dubbed tape on repeat.
Chapter 34
I got out of bed on Sunday, my eyes burning and my head pounding. I had resolved in the middle of the night to no longer be a victim of circumstance, to take charge of my life. I could not go back down the rabbit hole of grief. The children couldn’t go through that again.
I called Matt Reynolds, who had rented a room next door to mine. “Hi, Matt. I’m sorry to bother you so early. Do you know if Dr. Goodman will be at the rehab center today? Can I talk to her again?”
Matt said he didn’t know, but he’d find out and call me back. I hung up and waited. He called back a couple of minutes later and said that if we left immediately, she could meet with us.