“I probably would have flirted my ass off.”
“I’m not even sure how to respond to that,” I said, laughing again. “I can’t say I would have flirted back, or that would make me a pedophile creep.”
“True. Creep.”
I turned around on the bench to face her. Her skin was so pale I could see the veins in her neck. She looked like a ghost in a red dress.
“Look, I’m going to be honest here...not that I haven’t been honest up to this point, but you know what I mean,” I started.
She just smiled and nodded. Her dark hair shifted around her face and for a moment I lost track of my thoughts.
“I loved Carrie.”
April immediately perked up at the mention of my late wife’s name. These were things she wanted to know about me. These were things Holly wanted to know about me. But, I so rarely shared thoughts or feelings related to that period of my life. I felt like I needed to say this though.
“She was controlling.”
April cocked her head to the side. “In what way?”
I rested my elbows on my knees and stared at the water. I wished I had a toothpick.
“I had this big—no, huge—movie collection,” I said. “I’m a movie snob.” I grinned and looked at her out of the corner of my eye so she’d know how serious I was.
“Surprise, surprise,” she said. I leaned up to kiss her.
“I added to it while we were married. She used to get upset sometimes at the movies I used to bring home. I always risked a lecture when I walked through the door with a new DVD. I started sneaking them in. It was pathetic. But, eventually she’d see them on the shelf and I’d get a lecture anyway. They were too violent, too sexually explicit, too immoral. She wanted me to be like her, I guess. Watch Disney movies…”
April groaned. I imagined Disney movies were the bane of a mother’s existence.
“Anyway, one day I came home and the shelves were empty. She’d thrown them all out. Years and thousands of DVDs.”
“Oh my god, Luke. What did you do?”
“Nothing.” I shook my head, even now disgusted at the memory. “I didn’t do a damn thing. Pretended like it never happened. I didn’t want the fight. I was hurt, but I just took it as my compromise. She wanted me to give up movies. I gave up movies. Because I loved her.”
I looked at April. “There is a point to all of this, believe it or not.”
She nodded and touched the back of my head, her fingers lightly running through my hair. I closed my eyes for a second and allowed myself to enjoy it. Holly and I fucked. All the ways we touched were sexual. But, a woman hadn’t touched me like this in a long time.
“I don’t think real love tries to change you. The movies were part of me. When a person tries to strip you of the things that make you you—only to make you more like them—it starts to make you bitter.”
Her eyes filled with tears. She tilted her chin toward her lap and one dropped onto her dress.
“I like you,” I said. “I don’t feel judged by you. I’m not trying to sound like a teenage girl and ask you what exactly ‘we’ are. But I want you to know that you make me want to get up in the morning. Seeing you every day at work gives me something to look forward to. And now, actually getting to spend time with you is messing with my head. You are married, and you have children. This is complicated any way you look at it. Truthfully, I don’t even know what you want out of all this. But, it’s only fair to tell you that the more time I spend with you, the more I find myself falling. Hard. I don’t just want to be a plaything to you.”
She had been looking at me, but now she turned and looked out toward the water. The moon reflected off the surface. The effect was eerie.
“I am happy, Luke. Right now. I am happy. The last twenty-four hours have been the best I can remember having in years. Maybe ever. And it’s easy to get caught up in them and not have to think. When I’m with you, even when we are just talking at the school, I sort of lose all worries about anything else. I focus on you and how you make me feel.”
She paused, and let the words linger between us. I knew there was a “but” coming, though.
I was right.
“But, then when I’m sitting in the classroom, or I’m driving around town, or I’m at home alone, I think about him. I think about the kids. I think about what would have to happen for us to ever be able to try something. And it scares me. It wears me down to even think about. “
She turned back toward me and took my hand.
“You aren’t a plaything,” she continued. “Although, I think I’m going to want to play with you all the time now. I find myself wishing I had known you before I married the biggest asshole I’ve ever met. I was young, and stupid, and knew in my heart I shouldn’t marry him. And now that I’ve found a man who makes me feel butterflies when he looks at me, I realize that I am going to have to pay for the mistake I made.”