“She said not to give you this until today.”
With that, they walked off without goodbyes. They left me to the letter, and I was thankful for that.
I never thought handwriting could stir up emotion, but the tears that I assumed were gone and dried up returned. It was like an old friend you hadn’t seen in awhile—you thought they were gone, didn’t expect to see them, and then BAM.
The envelope crinkled in my hand as I gripped it, then loosened my grip, then tightened it again. I couldn’t tell you for sure, but I probably stared at my written name for ten minutes at least. There wasn’t anyone left by the graveside besides me.
Finally I opened it up, and if the tears hadn’t already come roaring back into my life, they would have returned as soon as I started reading. Knowing she had touched the letter, had hand-written it just for me...I was overwhelmed and overtaken with emotion. I laughed. I cried. Mostly I missed her.
Luke,
I was tempted to start this letter with “If you are reading this, then that means I am dead,” but that’s so cliché! (And look at me, I technically started with it anyway) I know this is stuff I have told you before, but you were always the writer, so I don’t think I ever put it down on paper for you. Better late than never, yes? I love you so much, Luke. I fell for you the day I saw you walking through the hallway on my first day at Lakefront, and I have been in love with you every day since then. You’ve been my best friend, my better half. I may have lived a pretty short life, but God let me have you to make the best life I could have asked for. If I had to do it again, knowing how this all would end, I would do it in a heartbeat. I could fill a thousand pages with memories, times we shared together that flow through my mind and heart all the time. But, we could have been eating spaghetti at the dinner table or pillow fighting in bed…it didn’t matter because it was with you. I cherish every moment we’ve spent together, and I am so grateful for who you are to me. You’ve been the love of my life, Luke, but now that’s coming to an end. It’s time for you to find the true love of yours. I know it won’t be easy, and I know you are probably shaking your head telling yourself there’s no one else you could love. You might even wish you could tell me to shut up. God still has great things for you, and I know He will bring you someone who can heal your hurt and give you the love you need. They will come along when you need them most. I know that, because I have prayed for it for months. The right one for you will probably have been in front of you the whole time. I know you, you won’t be paying attention. But, don’t let her slip through the cracks. She will never love you like I do, but nobody is perfect. ;-) Thank you, Luke. Thank you for every kind word and loving kiss and for making every day worth living and worth fighting for. I will love you until eternity stops. Or until the Cubs win the World Series. Whichever comes first.
Always,
Carrie
The days that followed Robin’s death were a blur. I went through bouts of rage and sorrow, like the Jekyll and Hyde kind of grief. Holly stayed with me through it all. I wasn’t sure I even wanted her there, but I was grateful that she was. She knew that I needed space, and that I didn’t want or need to be coddled and told everything would be okay. When I threw things, she picked them up without saying a word. I threw lots of things.
The funeral was going to be on Wednesday, and I had no intention of going back to work at least until after that. I didn’t want to miss a whole week with the kids, but I wasn’t dumb enough to think I could handle it. I sent videos, as much as I hated doing that. I was sure the kids wouldn’t mind a week of movies, since her death had certainly affected them as well. There were going to be counselors that the kids could talk to and be able to deal with their grief. Robin had impacted so many lives.
I visited Walt Sunday afternoon after one of my rage spells died down. I knew he needed support, and while I was the last person to probably be able to give it, I had to try. We basically just sat around and went between bouts of mourning and also sharing what we loved about her, what we would miss. I know it had to be therapeutic for both of us on some level. We hugged before I left, and I promised to be there for him like they had been there for me. I meant it.
Wednesday morning came, and I was dreading the funeral with everything in me. Holly offered to go with me to make sure everything would be okay. I told her how much I appreciated the offer, and it was true because I really did. But funerals were bad places for me, and I knew I would need space. She understood. She even told me I could borrow her air-conditioned car so that my clothes wouldn’t be drenched when I arrived at the church. Lately, we had become much more about the friends than the benefits. I could feel the shift, but I was okay with it. She really was a good person.