“Ready,” I sighed.
But I did feel safer and maybe even braver.
The inside of the woods only borrowed enough morning light for us to be able to see where we were going, but it shrouded everything in the distance. There was a quietness that wrapped around us that felt like a double edged sward. We could hear anything and everything as it moved over the snapping dead leaves and sticks, but that meant we could also be heard without disguise. As light as our footsteps were, there was no muffling the crunch-crunch of our feet on the forest floor.
“Reagan?” Vaughan broke through the crisp sounds of our feet making a path. His tone was carefully thoughtful and pang of nervous energy hit low me in the stomach.
“Yeah?”
“I believe my brothers are fine, that they are alive and that they are well.”
“Ok.”
“I just wanted that to be clear before I asked you this question,” he held up a branch for me to walk under and when I had passed by, he continued. “If I didn’t think that, we wouldn’t have this conversation, yeah?”
“Yeah.” I nodded and then swallowed over the huge lump in my throat.
“This thing with my brother…. he’s really serious about you.”
“I know,” I laughed, trying to ease the tension.
He did not laugh.
“Reagan, there is almost nothing I would fight my brother over. I mean, nothing.” He paused, letting the weight of his words settle over us. “Except maybe one thing. I know he’s claiming you like a damn barbarian, but you still have a choice. You still get to decide what you want.”
“I know that.” I could barely hear myself so I had no idea how he heard me.
He cleared his throat and seemed to struggle a minute before continuing, “I need to know, Reagan. I’m not asking you for anything serious or a commitment of any kind, but I need to know before I let myself get invested. You’re independent and head-strong, so I’m not foolish enough to think you won’t drop Hendrix the minute you don’t think he’s right for you. But if you do think he’s right…. I mean, if there’s a chance you think he’s it, then I’m cutting my losses before I can’t.”
He left me speechless- completely without the ability to speak. Vaughan was not Hendrix. He did not attack my emotions the same way Hendrix did- like a full on offensive assault. Vaughan was laid-back and non-invasive. He was slow and steady and made me fall into him because I got caught up in his sturdy current- not because he demanded I face my feelings and come to terms with them.
Eventually he apologized, “I know it’s a lot to ask you. And I honestly hate myself for putting you in this position, but you are rare. And not just because you happen to be the only girl available in years. But because you are this incredible person and I’m drawn to you. And if this was a different world or life, I would fight for you; I would go up against Hendrix and let the best man win.” He paused thoughtfully and let all those thoughts and confessions settle in the air between us. Then he said, “I have to do what’s best for my family. I will always do what’s best for my family.”
After several more minutes of stomping through the muddy forest, I finally let out a breath of air. My chest felt constricted with too much emotion and oxygen and my stomach curdled with nerves. In the most honest part of my soul I knew I was not in a scenario where a love-triangle could be allowed to fester. It wasn’t right for either boy and it sucked for me. I had come to care for them both.
And so I was honest, “I don’t want to have to make a decision after only knowing you guys for a short time.”
I sounded petulant and angry, but I couldn’t help it. The worst part was, none of this attitude was directed at the Parker brothers. It was the Feeders who had ruined my love life- or at least changed it into something I wasn’t ready for.
“I’m sorry, Reagan,” Vaughan said sincerely.
“I like you Vaughan,” I whispered. “And I like your brother. But I don’t like either of you enough to decide who I want to be with for the rest of my life. And honestly I don’t know if I really want either of you at all.”
He laughed, surprised at my honesty.
“But it’s true,” I insisted. “How am I supposed to know who I’m compatible with? Or who pisses me off more?” I did crack a tiny smile for him after that one. “I can’t tell you that you don’t have a chance with me because I don’t know either of you enough for me to really have any idea. But I do care about you both. And I would never want to come between you and your brother. Never, ever. Sure, I like you both, but I also respect you both. And I think better of all three of us than that we could let something like this ruin our relationship.”