“Being popular or having a lot of friends?”
“Having a lot of friends,” I clarified, realizing how shallow I sounded. “I mean, I didn’t really care about the popularity part of it, but I liked knowing everyone, I liked being liked. You know? And I liked liking other people. When I say I had a lot of friends, I mean the friendship went both ways. I wasn’t just this two-faced person that everyone thought liked them while I talked bad behind their backs. I genuinely liked most people. That just came naturally to me. It’s weird now. Not having more than one friend, not being able to like people or trust them. I feel wrong about it. It goes against my nature. But at the same time, so does dying. And it feels like if I let my guard down for just one second I’ll regret it- something will happen and I’ll never be able to get my life back.” I paused and then added, “Not that I would exactly call this the life I want to live, but it’s better than nothing.”
“You have more than one friend,” Nelson promised. He dropped his head and ran his nose up the line of my jaw, from chin to earlobe. “You have my brothers. And Page. Page counts for something, doesn’t she?”
I smiled at that, “Page definitely counts for something.” His nose went from my earlobe down the line of my throat and he kind of played a back and forth game against my collarbone. My stomach clenched and tightened at the feeling and I resisted the urge to close my eyes and lean into him- but barely. “What about you? Are you saying you’re not my friend?”
“Mmm-hmmm,” he breathed against my skin. “That’s exactly what I’m saying.”
“That’s not very nice,” I tried to argue, but I was breathless and dizzy from the onslaught of his caressing touch.
“Sure it is.” He brought his head up slowly, so that he looked me in the eyes again. “I’m something so much better than a friend.”
I burst into laughter at the sound of his smooth charm and flawless arrogance. “Really? You thought I would be that easy?”
He laughed too, not even seeming embarrassed, “No, I guess not. And I’m probably glad you’re not that easy.”
“Thank you,” I said while my giggles tapered off. “Now that is a compliment.”
“But it’s true, Haley. I have no interest in being your friend.”
“I’m not a good girl, Nelson. I kill things on a daily basis. I would do anything to stay alive and keep those I love alive. A good girl would not do anything; a good girl would be able to find her moral compass. I lost mine somewhere between going on my first college trip with Reagan and when the Zombies invaded my home town. She’s probably out there, though. You just have to be a little more patient than the first girl that literally falls into your lap.”
He was silent for a minute as we continued to sway back and forth with the music. I couldn’t even tell you what had been playing for the last several minutes. The only thing my brain seemed to care about at the moment was Nelson. Consequentially, Nelson was the only thing my body cared about at the moment too.
“Do you really think that’s why I’m interested in you,” he asked in a soft kind of outrage.
“I think I’m a good option, if you had to choose one. I’m not ugly, I have all my teeth and plus side, I’m all the way alive. But I also don’t believe in love at first sight; and you and I haven’t known each other for that long.”
“I don’t believe in love at first sight either, Haley. Which is why I’m not in love with you,” his words were gentle and careful. So when I felt the pang in my chest when he said he wasn’t in love with me, no one was more surprised than I was. He held my gaze with his hypnotic dark blues and then confessed, “But I want to be.”
“I am not a good girl,” I echoed in a hoarse voice.
“Here’s the thing about that. When I was in college, I had this idea of what a good girl looked like and acted like. I have since changed my opinion about that.” Nelson was smiling again and I felt a little bit safer in this territory. I was much less vulnerable if he was laughing and joking. It was when he looked deep into my eyes and lowered his voice that I got in trouble. “I used to think a good girl didn’t smoke, she didn’t do drugs, she only occasionally drank and never acted out of control. She went to church, she cared about the homeless. She had a whole list of traits that could qualify her as a good girl. And while a lot of good girls do have those characteristics, I find that I am much more attracted to good girls that put others before themselves, that meet little eight year old girls and immediately adopt them as their little sister. In my newly formed opinion, good girls make the best out of a devastating situation by finding the best pieces of everywhere they go and not only enjoying the world we live in today, but somehow making it possible to remember the past without it being traumatic. You are a good girl, Haley. And if you fell into my lap, then it’s not by luck but by pure act of God that you’re with me now. So instead of looking at you like a fluke, I’m probably going to look at you like a gift. Like you walked into my life, not just as someone who will help my family survive, but as everything I’ve ever wanted in a girl- everything I’ve wanted for me.”