When he had fainted in front of the House of Lords, he had woken to find a shocked Lord Cumberland shaking him. The Duke of Villiers had actually slapped him on finding him in the library. Once he awoke in an armchair to find Fowle shouting in his ear. The butler had backed away, dull red rising in his cheeks.
But this was the worst.
Jemma’s face was utterly drained of color. Her fingers, wrapped around his wrists, were trembling.
“I’m so sorry,” he said, after a moment.
“Oh my God.” Her voice wobbled like a child’s.
“Please, tell me this is a bad dream.”
He managed a smile.
“It’s your heart,” she said. “Your heart…your heart is faltering, just as your father’s did.”
“I’m not dead, Jemma. I’m almost accustomed to these spells now. I could live for years like this, fainting occasionally.”
He lifted his hands, and her fingers fell from his wrists. She was kneeling by his chair, just where she must have thrown herself. Elijah put a hand on her hair and a small rose tumbled into his lap. Like the roses one throws into the grave at funerals, he thought with a wrenching twist of self-pity.
She still hadn’t moved. “Oh God, Elijah, this can’t be happening.”
“I didn’t know how to tell you.” Her hair was warm, thick and springy against his fingers.
“How long have you known?”
“Since I fainted in the House last year.”
“But—we—”
He wrapped a hand behind her neck and gently pulled her toward him. “Come.”
“Don’t exert yourself!” she cried, terrified.
“There’s no need to fear that. The attack is over.” He reached down and scooped her up, sitting back with his wife curled into his lap.
“I can’t believe it!” she said a moment later. “I won’t believe it. You’re so young and we were going to have children and grow old together.”
He put his cheek against her hair. “Life should not be measured by time. The only thing that counts is how one uses the time one has.”
“You knew before last year, before you summoned me home from Paris, didn’t you?” she asked suddenly. She was shivering in his arms as if a frigid wind were blowing through the room.
“My father died at thirty-four. I’d have been a fool not to question my ability to live much over that date.”
“When did you understand that?”
“When I was eight years old.”
“No, no.” She was moaning it, her hands clutching his shirt.
“It drove me,” he said. “It was a passion, to make sure that my life came to something.”
“Because your father’s didn’t.”
“He had no time. I hated him for a while. But then I realized that he hadn’t my advantage. He had no idea. He was young; he might have proved himself a man had he lived another forty years.”
“Life allowed him to be foolish. Oh, Elijah, you never had the chance to be foolish. I’m just so—so sorry.”
They were silent a moment. Jemma’s eyes were dry, and fierce, like those of a mother hawk. “If you die before me…Well, whenever you get to where you’re going, Elijah, you sit down and wait for me.”
He laughed at that. “What do you envision? A bridge?”
“I’m thoroughly unimaginative. But I want to find you waiting for me.”
“I will wait for you,” he said, kissing her again.
She swallowed. “Does it hurt?”
“You mean, when I fall asleep?”
“That was no sleep,” she said. “But yes.”
“Not at all. It generally happens when I sit down. It’s as if the darkness just gathers itself up and comes over me. There’s just a little pain when I wake up, that’s all.”
“Your heart?”
“It works hard to bring me back. And it does bring me back, Jemma. In that sense, the attacks are no worse than they were a year ago: I wake up every time.”
“Don’t be so brave,” she said, her hands moving quickly. “I can’t bear it; I can’t bear it.”
He put a hand on her cheek but didn’t know what to say. Words came to him easily when he was in front of the House of Lords. But he became tongue-tied at the most important moments of his life, and all of those were with his wife.
“There’s nothing to be done, Jemma. I shall just live until I can’t anymore. People die unexpectedly every hour.” Unfortunately, his attacks were always followed by a headache, and he could feel its iron grip tightening.
“I don’t believe you when you say it doesn’t hurt, Elijah. Your eyes are tight.”