This All Happened(76)

            You want me to go.

            I want to go to sleep. I was asleep. Youre stinking drunk. I’m not drunk.

            It’s six in the morning and you wake me up and call me your wife when I’m barely your girlfriend and you want me to confess and it’s you who should be apologizing for saying that in front of everyone saying, Are you going down to the booze-can with Wilf? when I’m having a night out with Daphne and youve made it clear youre out with Max and I’ve come over to you to say I’m going down to the boozecan and you ruin it by saying that in front of Daphne and Max, man youre lucky I dont just leave you and then! you go to the boozecan and come here wailing to me that I talked to another guy.

            20 She’s mad at Max. Why are you mad at Max? Because he said that thing to you.

            What thing.

            Gabe, I dont know if I should say this, but she’s looking pretty absorbed in that guy. That is so rotten.

            Oh, Lydia.

            Do you see why I’m mad?

            He didnt say that.

            You said he said it.

            I was ... He might have made a joke about it.

            What did he say?

            He might have said Lydia’s got that fella’s attention. Pause.

            So it was joke.

            Yes. I took it badly. It was my jealousy.

            So you were an arsehole.

            I was upset.

            Why can’t you admit you were an arsehole? How I wish you could just say, Lydia, I’m such an arsehole.

            Can I say asshole?

            What?

            Can I say asshole. Arsehole is so hard.

            Say whatever you want.

            Lydia, I’m such an asshole.

            21 We’ve been invited for supper over at Max’s, but I decide to wait. I am standing under a maple for shelter. It’s been raining all night, a cold rain. The leaves are outlined in light and they overlap, like hands rubbing. There is Max’s house. Windows in red trim. Rain dripping. How I’d prefer to stand here and wait rather than be early and talk. A car pulls up and I recognize the sound of the exhaust. A car door slams, and it’s Lydia. But I want to hang on. I havent seen Lydia since yesterday morning and I was sooky on the phone. That I’d have to walk down to see her. I was home and I called her place but there was no message. It seemed like she hadnt tried to get me. So I was feeling sorry for myself. I so hate getting this way. Standing under a tree she would never do this. She is so unlike me. I urinate by the fence, it’s dark in this corner.

            She’d said, I’m at the Ship with Wilf. I’m not sure what I want to do tonight. I may just go home. She’d said, You can come down if you want.

            There is something so uninviting in that. If you want. I wanted her to want me to come down. I didnt want her to shift the want to me. I was home and I’d gone to the early movie so that we could be together later. But here she was calling me and saying this is what she’s doing. It’s raining and I dont want to walk or drive down there.

            I know when I walk in it’s going to be uncomfortable. That she caught my sookiness on the phone. Last night, when she phoned to ask me over. But I was, for once, content to stay. But she wanted me. And I liked telling her no. But she gave in so quickly. Okay, she said. And I wanted her to beg more. Like I do. But she resigned herself, didnt yearn. She ends by saying, Sure you dont want to come over? I pause, Should I? She says, No, dont come over, I’ll talk to you tomorrow, goodbye.