Not past-tense, and not timidly.
Fully, fiercely, and very much in the now.
“I love him.”
My family is silent, their eyes all fixed on me.
My mother clears her throat. “You mean back then, right? When you were both too young to know what that means?”
I can feel my heart pounding in my chest, my breath coming in heavy gulps as I face the music I should have faced eight years ago. It’s the music I should have faced before I let him walk out of my life.
“No, that’s not what I mean.”
My dad’s eyes flash as he looks at me, his brow knitting. “What was that?”
“I said that’s not what I meant. Not past tense, not ‘back when I was young’.”
I look up, looking right into my dad’s eyes.
“Dad, I love him. I loved him back then, and I love him now, and that’s why we got married. It’s why we’ve been married for eight stupid years.”
My dad glowers at me as he turns away. “You knew how I felt about you seeing him, Ivy. We gave that boy everything, but there’s no changing some people from doing what they were always going to do, or from becoming who they were always going to become.”
“That’s not true,” I say through gritted teeth.
“I beg to disagree!” Dad says heatedly, his face going red.
Rowan is still glaring at me, his face tight, but I look at him pleadingly. He looks away, running his hand across his stubbled chin before dropping it to the knee of his bad leg and rubbing it.
The leg from that night.
Finally, he looks up at our dad.
“Dad, you know it was me who went that night,” he says gruffly. “As much as you want to blame Silas instead of me for it.”
Dad’s eyes narrow as he shakes his head at my brother. “Oh I blame you both for that night, but I also know you were only there because of him.”
“No, Dad.” He shakes his head. “I went. My actions. Silas was there to stop me, and you know that.”
“Ivy,” Dad exhales slowly, bringing a hand up to pinch the bridge of his nose before looking up at me.
“You know I thought of Silas as another son of mine. And I want to believe he’s everything you want him to be.”
He takes a deep breath, reaching for our mother’s hand before looking up at me. “But if he’s such a changed man, where is he now?”
I look away.
“Exactly my point,” he says softly.
“We know where he is,” Rowan mutters from the chair by the window, still staring at he floor and rubbing his leg.
He looks up at me with a strained look on his face. “And so does Agent Riley.”
My heart lurches into my chest as the color suddenly drains from my face.
No.
No-no-no…
I stand suddenly, stumbling, not knowing where I’m even going. I can feel the panic rising inside, clawing at my throat as the room starts to swim around me.
And then suddenly, my dad’s there - his large arms holding me, hugging me close before I fall completely.
“I’m sorry…”
“I’ve never been mad at you for following your heart, honey,” he says quietly, rocking me as I start to cry.
“I just never wanted to lose you because you did.”
My mom comes over and hugs me as well, and then the tears really start to fall.
“What can we do, honey?” Mom says, pulling me into her and stroking my back.
I shake my head. “I think I’m just ready to go home,” I say quietly.
“I think it’s time for me to leave.”
Chapter Thirty-Eight
Silas
“Here, take this.”
I look up from toying with the black ski mask in my hand to see Jerry, one of Declan’s “guys” looking at me blankly. I feel sluggish, my head still drowning slowly in my thoughts and my regrets - thinking of Ivy, and the way I just watched her run away from me.
Something horrible inside of me wonders if this time, it really will be the last time I watch her do that.
I blink at Jerry. “Huh?”
He frowns and gestures down with his eyes. I follow them, and something seizes up in my chest.
He’s holding a gun, handle towards me.
“What the fuck is this?” I growl, finally finding my voice as I shake my head and lean away from the offered gun.
Declan snorts from the front passenger seat. “It’s a nine millimeter, kid. The hell does it look like?”
I narrow my eyes at him. “You said no guns.”
“I lied.”
Jerry chuckles. “No guns? Who the fuck do you think we’re ripping off here, a pizza place?”
“You said no guns,” I say again, my voice cold and my pulse thudding in my veins.
“Look I know what I said,” Declan turns, pulling his sunglasses down to look at me. “Deal with it.” He nods at the gun. “Take the fucking gun, kid. You probably won’t have to use it anyways.”