I was shocked when the doctor loudly announced “Girl” before tossing her onto her mother’s chest. Not shocked enough to keep the stupid grin off my face. I named her Estella from Great Expectations. That night when I went home to take a shower, I pulled a box from the top of my closet. It had shown up in the mail a month earlier, with neither a note nor a return address attached. I was baffled, until I opened it.
I sliced the tape open with scissors and pulled a lavender blanket out of the box. It was so soft; it felt like cotton between my fingertips.
“Olivia?” I said softly. But, why would she send me a baby gift? I shoved it back in the box before I could overthink things.
I stared at it with a smirk on my face. Had she known Leah desperately wanted a boy and sent a girl gift to spite her? Or had she remembered how much I wanted a daughter? You could never really get a firm grip on Olivia’s motives. Unless you asked. But, then she’d just lie.
I carried the blanket with me to the hospital. When Leah saw me with it, she rolled her eyes. She would have done more than roll her eyes if she’d known where it came from. I wrapped my daughter in Olivia’s blanket and felt euphoric. I am a father. To a little girl. Leah seemed less excited. I chalked it up to the disappointment of the missing boy child. Or maybe she had the baby blues. Or maybe she was jealous. If I’d said the thought that my wife would be jealous of a daughter hadn’t crossed my mind, I’d be lying.
I held Estella a little tighter. I’d already wondered how I would protect her from the ugly things in the world. I never thought I’d be wondering how to protect her from her own mother. But, that’s the way of things, I thought sadly. Leah’s parents were emotional black holes for most of her childhood. She’d get better. I’d help her. Love fixed people.
She was in better spirits when we drove home from the hospital. She laughed and flirted with me. But, when we got to the house and I handed her the baby for a feeding, her back stiffened like she’d been punched between the shoulder blades. My heart dropped so deeply in that moment, I had to turn away to hide my expression. This was not what I had hoped for. This was not what Olivia would have done. For all of her decorated hardness, she was kind and nurturing. With Leah, I always thought there was good in her … somewhere beyond what her parents had done to bring out the bad. Maybe I thought she was capable of more than she really was? But as it was said, if you had faith like a mustard seed, one could move mountains … or soften hardness … or love someone into healing. God. What had I done?
Later that night, I’m going for a jog. When I reach the lobby in my building, my steps die. At first I don’t recognize him. He’s not as put together as the last time I saw him. What is it about men refusing to shave when their hearts are breaking? Fuck. How is this happening? I run a hand along the back of my neck before taking the necessary steps toward him.
“Noah.”
When he turns, he looks surprised. He glances at the elevator, then back at me.
Man, the guy looks ragged. I’ve looked like that a couple times in my life. I almost feel bad for him.
“Can we talk?” he asks.
I look around the lobby and nod. “There’s a bar on the corner. Unless you want to come up to my place.”
He shakes his head. “Bar’s fine.”
“Give me ten. I’ll meet you there.”
He nods and walks out without saying another word. I go back up to my place and call Olivia.
“Noah’s in town,” I say as soon as she picks up. “Did you know?”
There is a long pause before she says, “Yeah.”
“Has he been to see you?”
I feel the tension creep into my shoulders and spread to my hands. I grip the phone a little tighter as I wait for her answer.
“Yeah,” she says again.
“That’s it? That’s all you’re going to say?”
I hear her shifting things around, and I wonder if she’s in court today.
“Did he come to see you?” she whispers into the phone. I can hear her heels clicking as she walks.
Fuck. She is in court, and I’m dropping this on her.
“It’s fine. I’ll call you later, yeah?”
“Caleb-” she starts to say.
I cut her off. “Focus on what you’re doing right now. We’ll talk tonight.”
Her voice is breathy when she says, “Okay.”
I hang up first and head back downstairs. I walk along the crowded sidewalk, barely seeing anything. My mind has latched onto her voice — or maybe her voice has latched on to my mind. Either way I can hear it. And I know something is wrong. I’m not sure I can handle all of this at once. Estella is my priority, but I don’t think I can do this without Olivia. I need her.