I grab my keys and go for a jog. The air is thick with humidity; it pulses around me, distracting me from my thoughts. Drenched as soon as I leave my condo, I turn left out of my building and head for the beach. It’s peak hour for traffic. I cut through the bumpers, ignoring the agitated eyes that follow me across the street. Mercedes, BMWs, Audis — the people in my neighborhood are not short on cash. It feels good to run. My condo is a mile from the beach. You have to cross two waterways to get there. I glance at the yachts as I dodge a couple strollers and think about my boat. It’s been a while since I worked on it. Maybe that’s what I need, a day with the boat. When I reach the water, I make a sharp left and run along the shore. This is where I deal with my anger.
I run until I can’t. Then I sit in the sand, breathing hard. I have to pull myself together. If I wade in this sewer of emotion for much longer, I might never come out. Pulling my cell from my pocket, I hit the home button. My mother answers, breathless, like she’s been on her elliptical. We pass through the niceties. No matter what the situation, no matter how desperate my voice could be, my mother will politely inquire how I am and then give me a brief update on her roses. I wait until she’s finished, and then say in a more strangled voice than I intend, “I’m going to take the job in London.”
There is a moment of shocked silence before she responds. Her voice is overly happy. “Caleb, it’s the right thing. Thank God it came around again. You turned it down the last time for that girl — what a mistake that wa-”
I cut her off, tell her I’ll call tomorrow after I’ve spoken to the London office. I take one more look at the ocean before I head home. Tomorrow I’m going to London.
But, I don’t.
I wake up to pounding. At first I think it’s the construction going on in my building. 760 is remodeling their kitchen. I crush my head beneath my pillow. It does nothing to mute the sound. Swearing, I toss it aside. The pounding sounds closer to home. I roll onto my back and listen. The room rocks on its axis. Too much scotch — again. The pounding is coming from my front door. I swing my legs over the side of the bed and pull on a pair of grey pajama pants I find lying on the floor. I cross my living room, kicking aside shoes and piles of clothes that have been gathering for weeks. I fling open the door, and everything freezes. Breath … beats of heart … thought.
Neither of us says a word as we size each other up. Then she pushes past me and starts pacing my living room, like showing up here is the most natural thing in the world. I’m still standing at the open door, watching her in confusion, when she turns the full battery of her eyes on me. It takes me a minute to speak, to realize this is really happening. I can hear someone using a drill in the condo upstairs. I can see a bird making its way across the sky, just outside my window, but I tell myself that my senses are lying in regards to her. She’s not really here after all these years.
“What are you doing here, Duchess?”
I take her in; absorb her. She looks manic, her hair is braided down her back, but there are pieces of it that have come loose all around her face. Her eyes are lined in kohl, drenched in emotion. I’ve never seen her wear her makeup like that before. She throws her arms wide; it’s an angry gesture. I brace myself for the string of expletives that usually come with her anger.
“What? You don’t clean anymore?”
Not what I was expecting. I kick the door shut with my foot and run a hand along the back of my neck. I haven’t shaved in three days, and all I’m wearing is a pair of pajama pants. My house looks like a college dorm.
I edge my way to the sofa as if this isn’t my living room and I sit down, uncomfortably. I watch her pace.
Suddenly, she stops. “I let him loose. I put him back on the street. He’s a fucking psycho!” She slaps a fist into her open palm on the last word. Her foot touches an empty bottle of scotch, and it rolls across the hardwood. We both follow it with our eyes until it disappears under the table.
“What the fuck is wrong with you?” she asks, looking around.
I lean back and link my hands behind my neck. I trace her gaze to the disaster that is my condo.
“You should have thought of that before you took the case.”
She looks ready to punch me. Her eyes start at my hair, work down to my beard, linger on my chest, and scoop back up to my face. All of a sudden, she’s sober. I see it fill her eyes, the realization that she came here and she shouldn’t have. We both make our move at the same time. She bolts for the door; I jump up and block her.
She keeps her distance, tucking her bottom lip under her teeth, kohl eyes looking less sure.